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Do you remember the way you used to be three years ago? I do.

I remember 2014

I remember March 2014.

And I remember perfectly March 28, 2014

That day I achieved one of my biggest dreams since I my teen memories . That day I screamed so hard till I couldnt hear. I jumped till touched the sky, I felt down and sprained my left feet (untill today, its still that way), I cried till I run out of tears, I moved my arms with fury, I crawled in the floor beacause I couldnt believe what was happening. That was the first time for me in an Arcade Fire show.

I remember that year, because it was also the year that I had my first anxiety attack. Since then I was fighting against the bad thinking, the fear, the insecurity, the bad thoughts about everything. I dont know exactly what was the hardest thing about that, because everything about it sucks. Sincerly there was a moment when I truly thought that the problem was me, that I had no “cure” and all my life I would keep fighting against that.

Now that I think about all the things that made it worst, all are mistakes from my teenage years. I mean by itself my anxiety problem was horrible but combined with the everyday struggle, it made it ten times worst. I dont know If I could have changed something, something from the decisions that I made that put me into that situation, maybe yes, well that would have made the things easier in those years… but in the end I know that the answer is no.

Why?

Because I wouldnt be here right now.

All the good and bad things throught the past 3 years made me the person that I am today.

NOW Im living with my girlfriend

NOW Im stronger

EVERYTHING NOW makes sense: all the pain, all the joy, all the suffer, all the tears, all the fear, all the screams, all the nights without sleeping, EVERYTHING.

Im so proud of “me” at 19 in 2014; because he never gave up, he moved forward again and again and again. I never was alone of course, my beautiful girlfriend Mariana my brother Santiago and my mother Lidia make me strong everyday.

NOW Im about to see Arcade Fire for the Second (Nov. 29) and Third (Nov. 30) time in my life, and I can’t wait to scream, cry and sing as hard as I can. I always will say that for me Arcade Fire is the place where I go when Im happy or sad, lonely or lovely…

Yes, the anxiety will always be there. It is part of us as a humans, but its never going to put me against the floor again. Never. An Arcade Fire live show? Of course, its my best weapon against everything (and what a better way to do it than with Mariana)

Thanks to the life, to the universe, to god for letting me stay here once again in front of the most beautiful humans on Earth, I promise that I wont dissapoint you.

- Israel -

A recent conversation.

“It’s unreal!”

“Unreal is right.”

stop pretending you’ve got a everything now

everything now ~ arcade fire

day seventy eight: a song by a band with more than five people in it