Didn’t Have the Heart (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: Invisible to the Naked Eye

And you thought I was done with my crusade of defending Kaidan for his behavior in Horizon… Ha!!!
Well, here comes the angst!

I swear I don’t have anything against Liara (well, maybe a little, but that’s because she can’t avoid being an asari lol). Anyways, don’t freak out by what I do at the beginning if you really like her, I promise this ends well for both of them.

Summary: After going to her cabin, Shepard and Liara argue about the commander’s choice of partner to, in Javik’s words, have sexual intercourse with.

Words: 2617
Rating: Teens and up
Warning: Language, and I mean it.

Read in AO3 -> [link]
Previous Chapter -> [Link]
Next Chapter -> []
Through Hell and Back series -> [link]

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“So?” Shepard inquires with an incisive tone of voice but, despite her wearingness, she waits patiently as Liara rearranges all her thoughts in her mind in order to find the right words to give them life.

“Let me ask you something…” Liara fidgets as she begins to speak, trying to gather the courage for what she’s about to go into. “There was one more person with you, Garrus and James last night, wasn’t there?”

Shepard smiles and nods at her friend.

“The one that you… Erm… Had…” Liara stops for a second, feeling more nervous than anticipated. “By the Goddess… Why is this so difficult to talk about?”

Shepard nods again, perfectly understanding what she wants to say even before she’s been able to put it into words.

“Anything else?” She replies to the asari, more annoyed by the second at her friend and the switch of course the conversation is gradually taking.

“Well, erm… Having in mind your previous history, and the fact that I haven’t seen him around the common areas for almost two days now, I must assume… Kaidan? Kaidan is the one you… Ejem… You…”

Shepard stares at Liara for a couple of seconds, wondering if her friend will be finally able to say out loud what she already knows the asari wants to ask her.

“You…”

“I…?” She says back to her, pretending she doesn’t know what her question is.

“How does one refer to this in a term that’s not devastatingly embarrassing?”

“Well… Javik called it sexual intercourse. So, whatever it is the term that you end up using, I’m sure It’ll be way better than that one.” Shepard laughs at her own comment, amused by the fact that she managed to get an eye roll from Liara because of it.

“And did… Did you? With Kaidan?”

Shepard gives up on her privacy dreams and nods a third time, this time with a wider and deeper smile on her face than the two first.

“…”

She waits in silence looking at the asari, who has become frozen in front of her.

“If that’s all you wanted to know Liara…” Shepard says, trying to find an excuse to end the conversation and having a very bad feeling about where the whole thing it’s leading. “I really need to go to the bathr…”

“Are you out of your mind?” Liara barely whispers as her friend stands up.

“What…?” Shepard asks confused, getting closer to her, knowing perfectly well what her friend just said but unable to process the true meaning behind her words. “I must, yeah… I think I must have misheard you.”

“No… No, no you haven’t.” Liara answers right away, doing all in her hand to control the tone of her voice, but failing miserably as the anger and the concern start to build up in her sentences, making it impossible for her to camouflage her feelings. “I… I don’t understand, Shepard… The only logical explanation is…”

“What?”

“That…” Liara hesitates for a second, noticing the quick change of Shepard’s mood after sensing her disapproval. 

In the end, she doesn’t need to add anything else, for her friend already has a pretty good idea about what she’s trying to imply without hearing the rest of her phrase. 

“That I’ve gone mad?” She asks in a displeased tone, finishing the sentence the asari is not able to fully form on her own.

“Yeah!” She finally admits, putting aside all her tact. “That you’ve gone completely mad!” 

“Completely mad!?” Shepard asks in disbelief, a part of her not truly believing what is happening in front of her eyes. ”For what!?” She basically screams, tired of having this conversation with everyone she cares about, but her massive headache quickly reminds her to lower her tone.

She grabs her head in pain with her left hand and spends a few seconds in complete silence,  needing to hold this posture for a little before being able to continue what she was trying to say.

“Yeah, I had sex with Kaidan… What’s the big deal?”

“Shepard… Are you really going to fall into that again? Really?”

“I…” She laughs and stares at her in incredulity, not knowing what else to do, feeling way too much pain to be able to control all the anger bubbling up inside her body. “I really don’t know where this is coming from, Liara.” 

“He broke your heart, he abandoned you! And now… What? He’s welcomed back into your bed like nothing ever happened?” 

“Liara…”

The asari finally decides to speak freely, convinced to say what’s on her mind no matter what, even if, to do so, she has to engage in an argument she knows her friend doesn’t want to have.

“No… You need to hear this. He’ll do it again, and…”

“Liara…” Shepard attempts to interfere one more time, but Liara seems determined to finish her sentence.

“…and then I’ll have to ensemble the pieces back together…”

“Liara…”

“Please, let me fin…”

“No!” Liara finally stops talking after her interruption, and Shepard turns away, staring at the wall for a few seconds, trying to calm down before she speaks but failing miserably to do so. “No.” She says again, this time in a way lower and serious tone than before.

Shepard faces her one more time, taking a few steps to close the distance between them.

“Ensemble the pieces back together? Are fucking kiding me? You have no right. No right…” Her voice starts to get thinner as she speaks as she starts to lose herself into her own words. “To say nothing of what you just said, Liara.” 

She takes a deep breath before continuing, counting to ten in her mind before resuming her statement. 

“But… Because I know this comes, or at least that’s what I think, from a place of concern, so… I’ll let it slide… Now, please, leave me alone… You already know how to do that.”

Liara looks at her, not sure how she should react to the last thing she just said, a little shocked by the subtle attack hidden in her friend’s words.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Shepard tries her best to hold back her feelings, which she usually very good at, but against all odds, maybe because of her current state or because of the importance of the subject they are about to discuss, she completely loses the control of her emotions, exposing a part of her mind she’s been too careful to keep away from anyone else for the longest time.

“You’re so quick to judge Kaidan, and for what? For not being willing to let everything behind and follow me? Well… Guess what? You did the same exact fucking thing!“ Shepard stomps her foot on the ground as she says this, letting her heart take full control of her mouth for the first time in her life. ”Well at least he did it because of his ideals and not because he was power hungry or trying to fix his mommy issues by pretending to be something that he’s not! 

She laughs before closing up her rant, way too deep into her own storm of feelings to be able to notice the effect all her words are having on her friend.

“And now, please, stop talking about things you don’t know a shit about and leave me alone, would you?” Shepard brings her hand to her head, suddenly remembering how much everything hurts now that her anger has faded a little, dissolved into most of her hurtful words. “I’m way too hungover to be diplomatic right now, and this will only get worse. So please… Go away.”

Liara stares at her for a couple of seconds, in complete shock after seeing this side of her and, just when she’s about to turn away and leave, she convinces herself that to keep falling into this argument is the right thing to do.

“He’ll hurt you again, and you know it…”

Shepard takes a drink from her bottle, wishing that, despite how awful she’s feeling, there was something stronger than water inside of it right now.

“You are wrong.”

“No, I’m n…”

“Liara!” She interrupts her, mad enough to ignore her headache once again. “You don’t know anything… Anything! So please stop it.” 

“Oh, don’t lie to me with that whole he did what he had to speech… You’re not fooling anyone!”

“I’m not fooling anyone?” Shepard closes her eyes for a few seconds before continuing. “Let me put it in a way you can understand, so we can be over with this…”

“Kaidan…” The asari tries to intervene but she doesn’t let her.

“Kaidan has never hurt me, okay!? Never. In his entire life. Don’t you get it!?”

“In Horizon…”

“Holy shit, he did what he had to do! And guess what? I would’ve done the same damn thing if I had the freedom to do it… But I didn’t. I couldn’t… I was trapped! Trapped…“ 

Her voice starts to quiver and, with every word that comes out of her mouth, the anger gradually evolves into a deeper emotion, more similar to guilt and sorrow than to rage. “Trapped in the worst of my nightmares. Reliving it again, and again, ang again… Can’t you see it?” 

Shepard’s breathing begins to fasten, feeling her eyes starting to water by the second as all her feelings finally unravel. “I was forced to work… To work… For the man responsible for the death of my whole unit… Of my best friend, of my… my…” The tears start to fall as the memories quickly flood her mind, feeling echoes of her past crashing against her heart and streaming down her face. “Don’t you understand it?  I am the one who was wrong! Not him… Me. Only me… And he… He’s the one crazy enough to forgive me… To… To…”

Her words get stuck among her tears as she tries to say them, giving Liara a window of opportunity to say something, but the view in front of her eyes is so heartbreaking and harrowing that she wastes most of it completely petrified, coming to terms with everything that just happened.

“Shepard… I…” Her eyes start to mirror her friend’s, unable to hold her emotions inside of her any longer. “I’m…”

Shepard stops crying the second Liara starts, quickly closing the distance left between them while clearing the remnant of her tears to bring her into a deep hug, not knowing what else to do, feeling a massive regret building inside her body after lashing out on her friend with all she’s been keeping to herself through all these years.

They spend a long minute like that, in complete silence, waiting for Liara to calm down as the embraze continues, both of them hating themselves for everything that just happened.

“Forgive me…” Shepard finally says, taking a step back to look at her. “I shouldn’t have… I… I think I just screamed at you a lot of things that should’ve been aimed at a different target… Or that maybe should’ve been directed to a mirror.”

“No… I… ” Liara shakes her head. “Your aim was flawless, as it always is.” She takes a step back too, looking around as she puts in order her thoughts. “It’s my fault, afterall… I gave them your body… I…”

“No.” Shepard interrupts her, using the same assurance and certainty in her voice that she wielded when she was defending Kaidan. “You saved my life, Liara… And I’ll always be grateful for that.” She takes a moment to breathe before continuing. “I’m the one that’s sorry… You… Your job… Is going to be the key to win this damn thing. I shouldn’t have said all that… You made the right decision. Both of you did. But… That didn’t make me miss you less. So please forgive, for saying… ”

“Forgiven.” Liara smiles at her. “I’m sorry too… I should have known better than…”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Liara hufs and, after taking a second, she takes a step forward and grabs one of Shepard’s hands. “You were right. I was assuming things and… Kaidan does not deserve what I said about him. He is a wonderful man and, deep down, I think I’ve always known that, so please forgive my words, Shepard, for, as much concern as there was in them, I must admit, there was a bit of jealousy too.” 

She stops for a second after reaching that realization, finally understanding where most of her feelings were coming from the moment she put them into words. 

“As much as it pains me, Shepard… I’m going to have to assume that… Your heart made its choice a long time ago.” Liara smiles melancholically, taking a moment to breathe before talking again. “And… I’m so sorry… That I let my feelings get in the way of our friendship, so please forg…”

“Forgiven.” She interrupts her, grinning from ear to ear as she does it.

“Thanks. I…” Liara smiles one more time, although now the sorrow seems long gone from her expression, replaced by the relief and happiness formed as a result of sharing all her feelings.

Shepard sits on the sofa again with Liara next to her, and both of them spend a long minute staring at the fish tank, letting the mood go back to normal on its own as they reflect on their whole conversation.

“I must admit… It all makes sense now, Shepard.” Liara finally says, breaking the silence that reigned all over the room. “You are truly happy, am I right?” She asks, turning a little to face her. “That’s where all the smiles, and the songs… Where all the strength has been coming from lately. Because of him.”

“The whole universe is in flames Liara…” She turns to look at her friend, who waits patiently for her to finish. “…and I’ve never felt happier in my whole entire life.” Shepard lowers the top of her body a little, resting all her weight on her knees. “To be honest with you, I’m starting to feel a bit guilty about letting myself spend my time like last night, when there’s so many people…” 

She cuts herself mid speech and starts to laugh, reflecting on what she just said. 

“This is the part of the conversation when Garrus usually tells me to shut up and assume the fact that I deserve to have this kind of moment more than anyone else.”

“Wise man…”

“Ha.”

Shepard smiles again as the silence invades the room once more, and the two friends go back to look at the turquoise water for even longer than before.

“I should leave.” Liara says, standing up right after. “You must be dying to take a shower and go back to bed.”

“Yeah… I should do that.” Shepard walks her to the door, once again in complete silence,  both of them replaying in their mind what happened in the last few minutes.

“Hey Shep…” Liara says as they wait in front of the elevator. “You know you did too, right?”

“Did what?”

“The right decision, staying with Cerberus…” She smiles as she says this, trying to put herself in her place. “And the toughest one. I don’t know if anyone else in your position…”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it.”

“I know…” Liara starts to walk but Shepard stops her from leaving, grabbing her arm in a quick motion. “Really… Thanks. I…” Her words start to quiver, but she manages to finish her sentence after a small pause. “I think I really needed someone saying that out loud.”

Liara smiles and gets into the elevator, replying to her comment at the same moment the doors begin to close.

“Then I’m glad I did.”

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I’m not gonna lie, I’m really loving this one… Although I feel terrible after writing it lol
Next one will be softer (and Kaidan focussed!!! yaaaaaay~~)

Didn’t Have the Heart (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2: Walk of Shame

I should be writing LBIG lol But here I am (There’s a part in that fic that needs to be written before one in this one so… Wish me luck catching up with the prequel or I’ll have to put a halt on this one before finishing the other)
Btw, don’t mind me… I feel like no one reads these things, so I mainly use them to vent or for my future self to read and have a good laugh

Summary: Shepard goes for a cup (or ten) of coffee after getting out of Kaidan’s room but, unfortunately for her, she doesn’t think of drinking it in private. Unable to escape, she finds herself forced to establish conversations while she regrets the large amount of alcohol she consumed the day before.

Words: 1766
Rating: Teens and up
Warning: Language.

Read in AO3 -> [link]
Previous Chapter -> [Link]
Next Chapter -> [Link]
Through Hell and Back series -> [link]

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Shepard spends a couple of seconds frozen on the hallway, trying her best to calm down, fanning herself with one hand and feeling her cheeks blushing as her heart pounds with the strength of a hammer against her chest.

For the love of every living creature in this universe, Mio. You’re thirty two years old, not some giggly teenager crashing hard for the prom king. Stop blushing.

She reprehends herself, shaking her head a couple of times as an attempt to go back to her normal self.

He wasn’t even awake when you said it… So go back to your usual self and forget about it for the time being.

She starts walking towards the kitchen, in desperate need of a cup of coffee, and one she’s got hold of the whole pot, she follows her usual ritual and sits alone to drink one cup after the other until the whole jar is almost empty.

“Shepard!” Liara calls her from afar, distracting her a few seconds from her cup of coffee. “See, I told you she’d be here.” The asari says to Tali, who is walking by her side, both of them headed in her direction.

“Someone died?” Shepard asks, massaging her temples with her fingertips. “Any emergency?”

“No, no… Just wanted to catch up with you.”

“We’d been meaning to do so since yesterday, but you’ve been hard to track.” Liara adds, with a hint of concern on her face.

“Yeah! Which is so out of character for you, Shepard… We were starting to worry.” 

Tali and Liara stare at her for a few seconds, suddenly noticing the messy hair, the dark circles under her eyes and the overall destroyed posture she has, gripping the cup of coffee like it’s the only thing keeping her from falling off her chair, which, to be honest, probably is.

“Are you alr…”

“I’m fine…” Shepard cuts Tali before she’s able to finish her question, but both friends look at her in disbelief, so she tries one more time. “I am!” 

Shepard stops talking for a few seconds, grabbing her head with her free hand as she curses herself for raising her tone of voice so much.

“I’m fine.” She repeats, almost whispering.

“You don’t seem fine…”

Shepard chugs the rest of her coffee and pours some more.

“So…” She tries again, ignoring their concern. “What did you want to discuss?”

The two friends share a worried look and, after a second of hesitation, they decide to follow Shepard’s lead and ignore her current state, sitting down on the chairs placed in front of her.

“We wanted to talk to you about Garrus and James…”

Shepard lowers her head fearing the worst.

“What have they done now?”

“Huh?” 

“Sorry… You were saying?”

“Well… They went for drinks yesterday, to relax a little I suppose.” Tali starts explaining. “But they’ve been whispering and obsessing over something since then… And we don’t know what.”

“Shit…” Shepard says, mainly to herself, remembering what happened the previous night.

“We’re starting to worry about them… Maybe, with all the alcohol, they said something they shouldn’t have?”

“No, no… I… Well, fuck.” Shepard huffs and takes a sip of her coffee trying to put all of her thoughts in order. “I did… Not them.”

“What?”

“Just… Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.”

“But…” 

“Please trust me, I know how to fix it.”

“Okay, if you say so…” Tali is not very sure about it, but she knows her friend well enough to know when she’s telling the truth. “Thanks, Shepard.”

“My pleasure.”

They’re about to leave when, out of nowhere, Javik pulls up a chair and sits next to Shepard, doing it so smoothly that it would’ve scared Shepard to death in any other circumstance. But, lucky for her, to feel frightened one needs, first and foremost, to feel alive.

“Commander.” He salutes her, nodding a little to greet her two friends a second later. “I’m glad to see you took my advice… Although I must admit I didn’t think the process would be this harmful for you.”

Shepard smiks, already knowing what it’s about to happen if she stays there for any longer.

“Well… If you excuse me.” She says as an attempt to run away, but Liara quickly grabs her by the hand, forcing her to stay in place.

“What advice? You say you were fine, Shepard.”

“And I’m fine… In fact, never better.” She smiles, trying to erase the concern on her friends faces as Javik ignores the whole conversation. “Well, except for the war and all that, I mean.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah. Totally.”

“Shepard, please, stop lying to us! We know when…” Liara raises her voice at the same speed as her worry grows.

“Please!” Shepard hits the table with her free hand, regretting doing so the moment the loud sound starts to echo in her ears. “Liara…” She says, taking a second to calm herself and breathe. “I really appreciate the concern… But I’m riding a major hangover right now, which, if you’re still interested to know about, is a result from the same alcoholic baptism that caused Vega and Garrus to act so weird. So could you, please, if it’s not much to ask, lower your voice a little bit?”

“Sorry…”

“You. With a hangover.” Tali says, finding it hard to believe. “How?”

“Ryncol.”

“Ryncol!? Shepard are you cra…” The asari covers her mouth after seeing her friend’s expression, smiling a bit before resuming what she wanted to say, trying her best to lower her voice this time around. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to be so loud. But Shepard, really? Ryncol?”

“What? I was having a fun time.”

Liara laughs and gives up, relieved she was wrong about the whole thing.

“Was that Javik’s advice?” Tali inquiries. “For you to loosen up a little.”

“Yeah, kinda…” Shepard tries to deflect, but Javik quickly comes back to the conversation just to sink her back again in her misery.

“I actually told her to have sexual intercorse with someone before she imploded.” Tali and Liara stare at the prothean for a few seconds and then turn to see Shepard letting her head fall to rest her forehead against the table. “Is ‘loosen up’ supposed to be another term to say it in this cycle?“ 

“This isn’t happening.” Shepard says to herself, wondering why she stopped there to drink her coffee instead of stealing the whole pot to hide inside her cabin. 

“On second thought, I actually don’t care that much about your primitive terms. I’ll go back to my thoughts.” 

And, just as he arrived Javik quickly disappears, not even aware of the depth of the situation he’s just created for his commanding officer.

“Shepard? Wait… Is he right?” Liara asks, patiently waiting for an answer as Shepard sits up to keep drinking her coffee.

“Ahhh…” She sighs, assuming her defeat. “Yes… Yes he is.”

“And who…?” Both friends freeze at the same time as Tali finishes her line of thoughts. “Wait… Is that why Garrus and James are acting so weird?”

“Kinda…” Shepard admits, feeling a bit guilty about how the evening ended. “One has her priorities.”

“What?” Liara asks, confused, feeling like she’s missing something. “Then, I assume… You and the lieutenant…”

Shepard’s eyes wide open before she shakes her head a couple of times.

“Vega? Are you kidding me?” She tells them, surprised they would think that could ever happen. “Of course not.”

A terrified quiver travels through Tali’s body after eliminating James from the equation.

“Oh no…” She states, almost panicking.

“Nor Garrus. Of course!” Shepard reassures her, failing to hide her smile as she completes her sentence, knowing all too well where her friend’s fear comes from. “Plus, I think Vakarian already has something going on with someone…” She adds before raising her eyebrows, doing her best to avoid developing that smile into a full on laughter. 

After the quick commotion, and a few seconds to go back to normal, both Tali and Liara are ready to hear the rest of Shepard’s explanation.

“We just got mega drunk and I ended up saying something I shouldn’t to get them to leave, that’s all.” She clarifies.

The quarian quickly accepts the explanation, silently thanking Shepard for not airing her romantic life and determined to do the same for her. The asari, on the other hand, who is still blind to the whole affair and, above all, fairly worried, has no intention of stopping the interrogation.

“And the whole deal about the sexual intercorse?”

Shepard laughs a little and rests all her weight on her chair, taking another sip of her drink.

“And here I was… Thinking you’d let me off the hook.” She shrugs and looks at her friends, taking a moment to find the right words to explain herself. “Well, affar from what Javik may think, I do consider this to be a private affair and, even though I really appreciate the concern Liara, I’d like it to keep it that way for as long as possible.” She adds before stopping for a second to think. “Which won’t be long, given the fact that Vega knows everything now… But, if I’m lucky, I’ll have a day or two more of peace before I have to deal with it.” 

Shepard stands up and finishes what’s left of her drink.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to shave my tongue and pass out in my shower.” She smiles, lowering her head as a goodbye, and prepares to walk away. “Ladies… I’ll see you again later. Well… If what’s left of me survives what’s left of my hungover.” 

And she starts to walk away.

Shepard makes it to the elevator faster than she imagined but, just when the door is about to close, she sees Liara, who has followed her from the kitchen area, getting inside of it to stand right by her side.

“Shepard…”

“Not now, Liara.” 

Despite her warning the asari tries again.

“We have to talk.”

“Liara…”

“It’s for your best interest, Shepard, believe me.”

Shepard sighs and moves her head up to stare at the ceiling.

“I don’t really think this is going to end well, but… If you insist…” 

The elevator stops at the top floor and Shepard walks into her cabin with Liara following one step behind her. 

Once they’re in there she grabs a bottle of water and lets herself fall onto the couch, staring at the asari as this one tries to find the appropriate words to approach what she wants to say. 

“I’m all ears, Liara… Talk.”

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You gotta love Javik. I only write about him here and there in my fics… But every time I write him something it truly makes may day lol
Next one will be angsty (for my standards at least) Hope you’re ready for it!!

(Preview) Ch.2 Didn’t Have the Heart / WIP

“You. With a hangover.” Tali says, finding it hard to believe. “How?”

“Ryncol.”

“Ryncol!? Shepard are you cra…” The asari covers her mouth after seeing her friend’s expression, smiling a bit before resuming what she wanted to say, trying her best to lower her voice. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to be so loud. But Shepard, really? Ryncol?”

“What? I was having a fun time.”

Liara laughs and gives up, relieved she was wrong about the whole thing.

“Was that Javik’s advice?” Tali inquiries. “For you to loosen up a little.”

“Yeah, kinda…” Shepard tries to deflect, but Javik quickly comes back to the conversation to sink her back again in her misery.

“Well, I actually told her to find someone to have sexual intercorse before she implodes.” Tali and Liara stare at the prothean for a few seconds and then turn to see Shepard letting her head fall to rest her forehead against the table. “Is it ‘loosen up’ a term in this cycle to describe sexual relationships?” 

“This isn’t happening.” Shepard says to herself, wondering why she stopped there to drink her coffee instead of stealing the whole pot to hide inside her cabin. 

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I’ll try to finish this one tomorrow XDDD Wish me luck

Oh! And check chapter 1 here if you haven’t already

Didn’t Have the Heart (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1: Sleep Talking

I decided to start posting this one because the follow up chapter of Listen Before I Go is longer than usual and didn’t find the will to edit that one ehehehe so here we are.

Btw this is a direct continuation to Never Have I Ever, but if you don’t want to read it (I mean… you could… is one of my best fics ehehehehehe) But if you don’t, you only need to know that this starts after both of them got mega drunk, Garrus and Vega discovered their relationship and then they went to have amazing sex in Kaidan’s room (I think that sums it up pretty well lol)

Summary: Shepard wakes up after a long night of drinking and she does her best to stand up without waking up the person sleeping next to her.

Words: 934
Rating: Teens and up
Warning: Language.

Read in AO3 -> [link]
Next Chapter -> [link]
Through Hell and Back series -> [link]

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The stars glow bright in the distance. Different colors, different intensities… Random flickers of light trying to brighten the galaxy and defeat all the darkness.

She stares at them for a while, letting her gaze travel through every single star a couple of times.

Right…She says to herself, trying to find a reason to get up. Back to the real world.

But she stays right where she is, as all of her being starts screaming at her, the moment she attempts to move.

Shit…She brings one hand to her head as the images of what happened last night start to flood it in a never ending stream of embarrassing and blurry memories. Urgg… No more rynchol until the war is over, Mio. She orders herself before trying to move, failing miserably yet again. Ahhh… Or maybe until my next life.

She’s about to attempt one more time when, all of a sudden, something distracts her, and a quick shiver recovers all her body the moment a rogue arm wraps slowly around her waist.

Shepard closes her eyes for a few seconds, taking in the sensation caused as she’s dragged closer to its owner, concentrating on the way he is breathing as he sleeps and, with a great deal of effort and trying her best to not disturb her companion, she manages to turn, little by little, until she is able to have him face to face.

She stares at him for quite a while, enjoying the view of him sleeping peacefully next to her.

His hair is messed up and going in every single direction, except for the one he usually styles it, and there’s a prominent five o’clock shadow that has grown out in just the few hours they got to rest, and that she sometimes wishes he would let grow longer instead of shaving it the next morning.

Every few minutes, he moves a little and opens his mouth ever so slightly, which is always followed by a subtle sigh, making him look even more adorable in her eyes.

She examines every single detail about him, turning her gaze to all the little differences that weren’t there three years ago.

There’s a few gray hairs and wrinkles where there didn’t use to be, and way more scars and injuries that she didn’t have the time to pay attention to before.

But all those details seem to suit him quite a lot. In fact, she finds herself trapped for longer than she would ever admit to anyone, mesmerized by the man in front of her.

Is he even real? A part of her wonders, not truly believing that they’ve managed to fix all their problems after everything they’ve been through. How can someone… Her line of thought is interrupted for an instant, as she gets momentarily lost in the big smile forming on his face. How can someone… Be this perfect?

His smile gets even wider and, still lost in his dreams, he strengthens the hug even more, burying his face inside her neck area.

“I mean it…” He mumbles, completely asleep. “I…”

He cuts himself with a quick giggle, tightening the embrace even more.

Ay… Only the universe knows what you must be dreaming ab…

“Mio…”

Her mind freezes for a second not expecting to hear him say her name all of a sudden. I… I can’t believe he’s still passed out.

She slowly shimmies her way out of the embraze to sit next to him but, once she’s made it out successfully, she can’t bring herself to wake him up, seeing him sleep so happily next to her.

She isn’t accustomed to this yet, even after all this time, and she doubts she’ll ever be.

How could she, even after all these years, get used to this feeling of having her heart attached to his, like there is some kind of invisible string joining them into one. A sort of force field that brings them together wherever they are and that yanks her heart out if they are apart.

Shepard stares at him for minutes deciding what to do next, wondering if she should wake him up.

I should go… He needs to rest.

She finally decides, standing up in order to leave, but finding quite quickly that she’s unable to do so, so she just stays frozen next to where he is, looking at him.

Oh my… How right you were. She smiles, having a quick flashback of what he told her when he convinced her to stay the night. I’ve never slept with a better view.

After taking a deep breath, she lowers her head and kisses him on the forehead before starting to walk towards the door.

“Mio?” He mumble once again in dreams, although this time around she decides to answer.

“Yeah?” She asks, right in front of the door, ready to leave the room.

“I love you.” He confesses, still completely asleep, smiling and humming a little after he says it.

Shepard looks at him for a couple of seconds before turning around to open the door and leave but, just when she’s about to cross the threshold, she stops dead.

“I…” She starts saying in the lowest tone of voice possible and staring directly at the hallway, knowing that she’ll be completely unable to finish what she wants to say if she turns to look at him. “I…”

Shepard curses herself for a second, musters all the courage she’s able to find in herself and, before leaving the room behind, takes a deep breath and finishes her sentence.

“I love you too, Kaidan.”

——————————-

I won’t lie to you… I’m flying without a plan here and every chapter has a mood way too different from the others.. But I can tell you this: there will be some sort of smut at the end.

If anyone ends up reading this please feel free to suggest changes or prompts for the future.

Btw I’m from Spain, I’ve checked everything a thousand times but if something is wrong please forgive me.

So does Clone!Shep say something similar to Ashley about how she would’ve picked Kaidan instead or does she only say she would’ve picked Ashley because of Ashley’s *cough* questionable and less then favorable *cough* comments about the aliens on the ship and how it sorta kinda almost aligns with Clone!Shep’s “We need to help humans, not aliens !” Ideology ?

Remembering when I pissed two older Mass Effect fans off because I put Kaidan on a pedestal (even though I was making a joke and observation about Garrus and Liara) and tbh, it just made me appreciate Kaidan more and put him on a higher pedestal.

He’s such a good man and is the only character who hasn’t pissed me off at least once. The most I’ve ever gotten with him was fustrated, but that’s not even his fault, it was Bioware’s because I wanted to see him more but Bioware didn’t let him rejoin the Normandy until waaay into game 3. The Horizon moment doesn’t make me mad, at the most, it just made me feel sad and work harder to get him back by putting a chastity belt on Shepard and rushing through game 2 so I could see him again.

I don’t see what’s not to like about him. There’s only complaints that he’s “boring” but he’s not boring. He’s human. He wears his heart on his sleeve, let’s you know exactly what’s up when he’s thinking about something, his emotional reactions when he sees blatant wrongdoing, how he felt as though he couldn’t trust the woman he loved because she did something that went against his strong morals and values and couldn’t just blindly follow her, but still couldn’t stop himself from loving her. He then learned to trust her again and waited for her, asking her if she’d still have him again, as a crew member and a lover, despite what happened, and told her he’d never doubt her again, seeing her in action again and seeing for himself that she never lost herself.

He’s just such a great man.

you know what my favorite thing is about kaidan and his story ark?

he undeniably follows shepard loyally through the first game no question. he admires her for her title and the medals she single-handedly won. he had no reason to doubt her authority.

another note is that you have missions pertaining to every one of the crew members, exceptkaidan. (or ashley if you so choose). wrex, with his family armor. garrus, with dr. saleon. tali, with the geth data. and even liara, on noveria.

mass effect 2 is about loyalty. earning the trust from your crew, even garrus and tali need a loyalty mission before they can perform their best on the mission.

what im trying to point out is, you don’t just go somewhere and fight someone or something for kaidan to think better of you after mass effect 2. you earnhis trust. through being exactly who he remembers you to be, through showing him that you still care by visiting him at the hospital after mars.

kaidan never neededanything from shepard. he just wanted to know that she was real. that her feelings for him, everything that happened between them was real.

and it was.

it’s going to hurt figuring out how kaidan took/handled shepard’s death again. the way he talks about the thought of losing her and the way his voice runs low and sad when he talks about it. he really can’t lose her again and i really hope bioware puts that kind of content in the next mass effect. if they don’t continue shepard’s story at least. it’s hard to imagine kaidan just moving on when they were finally together and they finally had things where they wanted them to be.

“i can’t bury what i feel for you anymore”, that scene on the citadel is one of the most tender moments between them because to them, in that moment, they’re the only people that exist. they love each other so much. they’vefinally moved past the complications of the past, shepard came back to the alliance, kaidan re-interpreted her reasons behind joint cerberus. rather than it being a betrayal. the council simply just wouldn’t provide the authorization of a mission so uncertain because they’re keen on looking an enemy dead in the eye before taking the shot. shepard had to do what she had to do.

they quite literally deserveto have a happily ever after. as unfair as the real world is, the galaxy is much more unfair. they deserve better. they deserve peace.