#first day period puke for the winnnnns
Disclaimer 1: This will probably get a little NSFW.
Disclaimer 2: Symptoms of periods vary from period-haver to period-haver. It pretty much sucks for everyone, though.
Disclaimer 3: I have a high pain tolerance. Really high. If I say something is really painful, it is really fucking painful.
And now for the reasons why having periods suck and it’s worse for us to have it than for you to hear about it:
- There is blood coming from our vaginas. This is a very unpleasant feeling. We cannot “hold it.” Some people get a light trickling. Some, like me, get a Goddamn crime scene.
- The ways to keep from bleeding all over everything include a pad, which basically feels like a diaper, and a tampon, which is basically shoving a cotton pipe up there, is not as much fun as it sounds, and can be very uncomfortable if done wrong. And doing it right is fairly hard. Thanks to good old Catholic sex ed, it took me about five years to figure out.
- Cramps. I am lucky in that my cramps tend not to be THAT bad (thank you, high pain tolerance), but some get cramps so bad that the pain is comparable to appendicitis.
- Headaches. What I lack in cramps, I often make up for in headaches. And not just any headaches. Agonizing headaches. They can start up to a week before the bleeding starts, they last a few days into it, and they don’t go away. No matter how much aspirin you take. Seriously, when I get menstrual headaches, I could down an entire fucking bottle of Advil and I’d probably die but my ghost would still have the headache.
- Acne. I’m talking looking like Deadpool under the mask.
- Indigestion. It isn’t fun.
- Bloating.
- Sometimes my actual vaginal region hurts. A lot. Enough to have me doubled over on the floor.
- For some reason my anxiety gets worse sometimes around my period. Which is extra fun. There’s nothing like nearly calling the morgue because your dad was late from a basketball game, only to find out he was at Applebee’s.
- Fatigue. Because I’m doing everything I normally do while my body is staging a mutiny.
- Backache.
- Just generally feeling disgusting.
- This goes on for a week.
- This happens every Goddamn month.
- This generally starts around age twelve or so and lasts until maybe age 45.
16. Pads will dry out your vaginal regions and make them itchy. Really REALLY itchy
17. Tampons come in three sizes, too small to do any good, not quite big enough and i think this is a sheep
18, menstrual cups are brilliant if you get them in right, this will happen maybe once a period. You will not know if it’s right until you discover it’s wrong when it leaks.
19. you will run at least two degrees hotter, and up to four degrees hotter at night. Sleep is clearly for other people as you do the too hot too cold quilt exercise all night
20. you will sleep on your side because you are paranoid that you’ve put you cup/tampon in wrong and your pad won’t catch the flow
21. crime scene periods get more frequent as you get older
22. your period will not conform to any cycle, it will range between 2-5 days every 28-32 days, this will change for reasons - what those reasons are your body will not inform you
23. Fatigue for no reason is common - it might be because you’ve worn yourself out trying to get to sleep.
24. Period panties are a must, these are generally black cotton monstrosities that cover you from waist to crotch area, they’re black because they will get stained.
25. Paranoia is normal. No, you probably aren’t leaking but you’re sure you are.
26. The smell. Periods have a smell and you will be paranoid everyone in a mile’s radius will be aware of it.
27. you will shed more hair than usual, this can be up to three times as much. You’re not going bald, it will just look like it.
28. You will randomly dislike foods you previously liked and will like them again when the period is over
29. Chocolate does help, it’s not a myth, the darker the chocolate the better, and any threats to people who have stolen your chocolate are totally justified. Ibuprofen and a hot water bottle are also wonderful.
30. You will almost certainly, especially with cramps, feel like you really need to use the bathroom, you don’t, your body just makes it feel like you really need to.
17. Tampons come in three sizes, too small to do any good, not quite big enough and i think this is a sheep
And sometimes even the sheep will be too small to get you through the night.
31. When you DO use tampons, the overwhelming fear in the back of your mind that you’re about to suddenly develop Toxic Shock Syndrome because they told you about it in biology when you were 12 and have been terrified of it ever since.
32. Period poops. It is, in fact, possible to be both constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. It is very unpleasant.
33. Period pukes. Then having to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of the cycle :)
