#first thing i’ve written creatively in like 6 months
I haven’t seen god
since I was 7, kneeling palms-together before the shrine, repeating words in a language I spoke but didn’t know
under my mother’s watchful gaze I pressed first sindoor then haldi then a single grain of uncooked rice to a golden forehead hardly bigger than my fingertip, and when my mother closed her eyes I
kept mine open and searched minuscule bronze pupils for some hint of otherworldly presence, transcendent benediction
asked: are you there; are you watching; can you tell me if I’m good enough; can you tell me how to atone;
and god said: why should I distill my essence into 100 grams of silver rather than the gradual carving of aquifers into bedrock or the ebullience of frolicking through air currents with the eagles; why should I have eyes only when you provide them; why should your sins weigh heavier upon me than those of the raging ocean or the mountains that will not bow their heads
and god said: you will not find me by making me in your image
and god promised: seek the slivers of me dispersed among the infinite entities under my care and lay them one atop the other and in the amalgam you will discover the shape of me
two decades later my search has barely started and I will still be looking when I’m on my deathbed and if I am granted another life to continue paying penance my search will go with me
some days I think that must be the point
