#friendly neighborhood spider man

cipheramnesia:

fxvixen:

goddd i just want spider-man’s identity to be his own worst but new york city’s best kept secret. like i want him unthinkingly taking off his mask and like 20 people see, but if you ask them if they did? no they didn’t.

the rule is unwritten, but very enforced. like, there are online communities dedicated to erasing any trace of the spread of his identity. a tourist takes a photo of him and posts it online? it’s gone in minutes, and people send DMs to the poster anywhere from “hey, i’m sure you were just excited, but….” to “ill kill u if i evr c you, fuckin bitch”.

any information on spider-man is only spread via word of mouth, and only spoken in hushed, awed voices. after several years of spider-man, everyone knows someone who encountered him:

“he saved my cousin. caught a falling billboard from underneath with his bare hands…”

“wow… i’ve never seen him myself, but he talked to my coworker’s daughter for an hour after he stopped a guy from getting a little too handsy. apparently, his smile is ‘dreamy’.”

these secrets are freely given if you’re kind, trustworthy, and show respect for the little guy. but the moment you demand information on him… “i don’t know what you’re talking about, buddy. he’s just an urban legend the news likes to blame the city’s problems on so we don’t unionize or worse”

so as many times as spider-man ends up with out a mask, or accidentally introduces himself with a name that starts with 'p’ and rhymes with 'meter’… on the record, they don’t know a thing. because he does his best to help as many people as he can, so it’s only fair if they help him a little in return.

Every time I see a beautiful post about how Spidey collectively brings out the best I have to imagine the inverse of Venom just idiot disastering his way to the same result. His identity is so openly known that no one cares. Villains roll into to town prepared to “ruin his life” and just stop inside his apartment, looking around in horror, before turning to leave “I can’t do anything worse to this guy than life already did.”

“Venom saved everyone on the bus when it nearly went off a bridge, but he hung around for an hour caging spare change. He’s just going to buy tater tots.”

“My store was almost robbed but that weirdo ate the robber and now once a month he steals all the barbecue pork rinds.”

Someone comes into try and take Venom into jail but gets nowhere not because everyone is protecting him but because everyone just doesn’t want to know where he is. “Eddie? Ugh, I don’t know. I try to avoid him at every possible moment. Why don’t you fire up the tater tot signal that oughta bring them.”

i come up with a lot of odd au ideas but this spiderman one will continue to be the best fucking thing ive ever come up with. I shit you not ive peaked, its all down hill from here