#cynical

Ahhhh. Just realizing who I want in my life and who can just get the fuck on. I love when people show you their exact intentions. Whether it be actions, words or the lack thereof, I’m discerning more and more every day!! Discerning who is true and who is full of shit. People can think whatever they want about themselves, but more of the time their visions of who they are, particularly in relation to others and the world, is muddied up by their ego image of who they believe themselves to be which is directly invalidated by their actions and words. LOL people can’t handle their precious little image of themselves being torn down by reality. Luckily for me and more so for their sanity, I don’t give a shit to try and convince em. As they say, “do you boo” hahahaha

Look, here comes my Archangel!

Story of my life.

those moments when you scream to yourself “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE HAPPY I’M DOING SOMETHING I LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG CAN’T YOU FUCKING BE HAPPY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”.

and then you wait, looking at the watch, to be finally happy. 

“…and I don’t even have my emergency flask!”

-me approximately every two days

npd-and-proud-of-it:

the more damaged you are = the more you despise your birthday

it’s mathematical. 

to me (one of the) problem(s) is that my birthday is 2 days after the birthday of one of my only 2 friends. the fact is that she doesn’t have only 2 friends, she’s a very social person, and always sets up a big party with lots of people. which is bad, obviously, because I don’t handle social situation very well. 

but also because I, usually, am pretty fine with being alone and not having friends. It’s something I’ve accepted because my mental set doesn’t allow me to mantein friendships (NPD makes difficult to care about others and compromise, ASPD makes difficult showing empathy and often makes me feel angry at them, and I am generally an introverted\misanthropist person, and that doesn’t help), and I kinda accepted (and like) to stay on my own. but trust me, when you see how a neurotypical normal person behaves, how is to be normal and have friends and parties and all of that shit that you will never have…

well, you don’t feel kinda good.

the more damaged you are = the more you despise your birthday

it’s mathematical. 

This morning I started to sleep while sitting on the table drinking the morning coffee.

This day didn’t start so well, did it.

Inside hospitals you can physically perceive death as a concrete creature, basically standing bere beside you, watching silently, and waiting.

It’s here, breathing, polluting the air like a contagious virus, and suddenly you feel it infecting you as well.

You feel death.

You can even touch it.

And suddenly, it can touch you too.

Woke up at 6.am (and I didn’t for months, so I’m definitely not used to it)

It’s raining, I have no umbrella.

I’m late due to traffic.

The bus is crowded with some of the people I hate the most: teenagers.

When I arrive at university, the handle of my bag gets stuck into a chair and it literally falls off.

After the lesson I rush to work just to stay there 10 minutes staring blankly at my boss because there’s no shit I can do. They send me to do a pointless chore in a different part of the town. I take my dose of rain again.

I have to explain to the security guard who I was ( and trust me, it wasn’t easy) so they would give me the key.

The key does not work, the door won’t open.

After 5 minutes of failures, I turn my head slightly to the left.

Wrong door.

After this, I have to bring my brother to a hospital for a surgery.

Now I’m sitting here in this abandoned creepy storage thing drinking a coffee machine- tea, just accepting that some days you just can’t fight the universe.

You have to accept that everything will go wrong.

Somehow, acknowledging this fact, makes me feel at ease.