Stuff like this hit’s really close to home with me because I had an abusive paternal figure growing up.
It’s easy for you to assume that this is an outrageously extreme example that someone’s prolly just blowing out of proportion; don’t. Abusers often use tactics like this. It’s about control and taking control away from their victims. This also means controlling the narrative, and controlling who the victim can talk to about their issues.
The thing is, over issues like this, the best response is to assume the victim is being legit. Even if they’re not, wishing them well won’t have anywhere close to the same repercussions as assuming a legitimate victim of abuse is lying.
I’m only saying this bit here because there are people in the notes of this post trying to play this entire post off as a hoax. I am talking to them personally now. You are not helping anyone except the abuser. The best-case scenario here is that you are a child who’s never had to live with abuse. Because the worst-case scenario is that you yourself are an abuser. Either way, the best thing for you is to stop.
this this thiiiiis AND adding to clarify, one of the biggest signs of abuse is that it sounds fake. which is bizarre, i know, but it’s part of the control.
it’s hard to take abuse seriously even when it’s happening to you. abuse is terrifying, it’s seriously fucked up, so victims don’t want to think it’s real. this happens to everyone. it’s how the brain protects itself.
OP wants to believe that of course their husband is a rational good hearted person who just needs to understand tha water and lights cost money, they’re not hurting the OP on purpose, this is a misunderstanding. no one would do anything so bizarre deliberately, right? it’s unbelieveable. sounds fake.
and it sounds fake to other people, too. OP can’t tell the story without sounding like a crazy lying bitch. i guarantee you if she brought it up in front of a third party, her husband would deny that it’s happening.
that is the abuse. that is gaslighting. he is changing her perception of reality to one that he controls. he is saying, Bizarre and crazy bullshit will happen to you and you have to fucking accept it as normal, and if you dare to talk about it no one is gonna believe your story.
The only thing I can imagine that could explain this is that he’s deliberately trying to make her think she’s crazy. And it’s working.
She needs to get out.
This is sometimes referred to as the “Trunchbull Method”, yes, like the horrifically abusive principal in Matilda.
She does it on purpose, and actually explains why in the book.
Essentially, if you are going to be abusive, she says you should go 150%. Really commit, be as wildly over the top as you can… that way, if your victim ever does get the courage to tell someone about it, what you did will sound so outlandish that no one will believe them.
“Our principal doesn’t like pigtails, so she picked a girl up by her hair and threw her over the fence.”
No parent would believe that… it’s too far. Surely no one would do that. (But if you know the story, you know it happened.)
“My husband leaves every light in the house on and every faucet running all day, and says that it’s literally impossible not to… and when I’ve tried to explain why it’s a problem, his excuse is that I’m not a mechanic, so he doesn’t have to.”
It sounds unbelievable… no one would be that stubborn and off-base, right? And most people who hear that won’t believe it. Which is how her husband wants it.
If he can break her down and make her doubt her own sense of reality and logic over something as trivial as a lightbulb, that leaves her wide open to manipulation on major issues like money, pregnancy, property.
The Trunchbull Method is insidious, especially when there’s no physical abuse and it’s just emotional/verbal. With the right conditioning, most of the victims don’t even see it as abuse.
Notice how she’s the sole member of the household with a job, that he’s mooching off her and has been for some time, and has been gaslighting her (while wasting hundreds of dollars, if not thousands) for months, to the point where she is genuinely wondering if she is insane…
…and even when people point out the abuse, she still firmly believes that it’s not? She wants to reach out for help, but she still feels guilty, because he tells her it’s her fault… and a part of her believes it.
This is exactly how this method of abuse works. When someone tells you what’s going on, and it sounds like abuse, calling them a liar or saying you don’t believe it will only ever help their abuser.
Believe them. Help them. Make sure they know you support them. Help to ground them in reality if you can, assure them that they aren’t crazy. That their thought process is rational.
example: “You’re right- turning off lights when you leave a room is very easy. And small children learn to turn off faucets when they’re done with them. You’re correct. His behavior doesn’t make sense, and neither does his excuse.”
Make sure they know you’re in their corner and will stand by them.
On average, it takes seven tries to leave an abusive relationship. Seven.
The more support a victim has, the faster that number goes down.
Update: as of 4 days ago (today is 11/19/2021) she left him and is trying to get her life together… but knows that she is struggling with the loneliness.
She goes into a lot of the things he did (tw: he body-shamed her, insulted her, and hit her regularly) but here’s her update. If you can and feel up to it, please offer her some support and love. Let’s do what we can to make sure she doesn’t feel alone.
“that is the abuse. that is gaslighting. he is changing her perception of reality to one that he controls. he is saying, Bizarre and crazy bullshit will happen to you and you have to fucking accept it as normal, and if you dare to talk about it no one is gonna believe your story.”
