#gwyenth paltrow
Yes, we’re back with Goop-split 2014! The Telegraph has added to its collection of geographic reasons not to marry the person you love with The Pitfalls of Marrying an American Woman.
The pitfalls include: “swapping hands with cutlery,” “absurd conception of distance” and “the word ‘woo!’”
To marry an American is to accept the word “woo!” into your life. The word is not in any dictionary, but is written deep inside an American’s heart and soul. To an American, if anything vaguely good is happening, one must emit a “woo”. Perhaps a baseball team has hit a baseball. Or a tray of cupcakes successfully made it from the kitchen to a living room table.
Benefits: “Incredible teeth,” “down to earth” and “they actually enjoy sex.”
Advantage: Love
Though we all lose when love fails, Gwyneth and Chris’ conscious uncoupling might be the necessary lost battle in the greater war against Anglo-American relationships.
We American women have already been warned with the useful Is He Cute or Is He British? guide, but what happens to the American women who have already been ensnared by the charming accent and nice-fitting clothes of British men? The Telegraph’s Sally Peck has this warning guide: The pitfalls of marrying a British man:
From Gwyneth Paltrow to Madonna to Wallace Simpson to Jennie Jerome, American women have been crossing the Atlantic to find spouses since shortly after the Mayflower docked. They come over to the UK with bright eyes, toned abs, a wad of cash, bags of ambition and a romantic notion of marrying a dashing Darcy, a brooding Rochester, even a brainy Miliband (bad luck, Hillary; well done, Louise): an aloof but articulate man who will fall unconditionally for their energetic, healthy New World optimism.
And maybe it works. The strong silent type may enjoy the companionship of a woman who keeps up a running commentary from dawn til dusk.
But maybe it all goes awry when their husband fails to fall for Bikram yoga and macrobiotic diets, abdicates or gets syphilis.
(photo: rex features)
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