nancy drew characters as john mulaney quotes

nancy: was there ever even a ghost, mother, or was the dead victorian girl you saw just me all along?

george: I think emily dickinson’s a lesbian

bess: i just wanna sit here and feed my birds

ned: my wife is a bitch and i like her SO MUCH

mr drew: One Black Coffee

hannah gruen: this is an on fire garbage can. could be a nursery.

helen corning: i think, like, in heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out and it was like, ‘you marked that one gay, right?’ and it was like, ‘oh no! was I supposed to?’

chief mcginnis: you kids get yourselves a money clip. okay, you can get these at any haberdashery. you put a $50 bill in the money clip then when a guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘you want my money? go get it!’ then you run the other direction