#john mulaney
this whole thing is way too good to be giffed you need to expirience it
There are so many things that are TOP quality about this. The business with the mic rope. The bounding across the stage like an excited puppy or a newsie. The Voice™️ that is so synonymous with John, you know, the voice of a guy who sells ice cream at the soda fountain in the 50’s. The analogy itself.
It’s all so beautiful, such peak humor and content.
Les: People ask me if David gave me a sex talk, and I tell them “Yes … I think”
Jack [to Pulitzer]: YOU WANT MY 60 CENTS?
Jack: *chucks them the other direction*
Jack:go GET IT!
Jack, running off west to Santa Fe:S T R E E T S M A R T S
this whole thing is way too good to be giffed you need to expirience it
My parents had gone to the same college as Bill Clinton … and my mom tells me there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then, where late at night, if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied, male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home.
That sounds good, right? [chuckles]
So my mom tells me that Bill Clinton would be out in front of the library every single night, just being like: [imitating Clinton] “Hey can I walk you home? Hey can I walk you home? Hey can I walk you home?”
Post link
shadow and bone audio book but instead of “the darkling” it’s “ducklings” in John mulaneys voice
“I also think it’s weird in movies, when someone has amnesia, and they wake up in the hospital, a lot of times surrounded by friends and family, but when they open their eyes they go ‘WHO ARE YOU?!’ because that’s not how you act when you don’t recognize somebody. That’s very rude. It would be chaos out there if every time you saw someone you didn’t recognize you went ‘WHO ARE YOU?!’. I always try to be really polite in life, so if I had amnesia, you’d never know it! I’d wake up and they’d be like ‘Hi John, we’re so happy you’re awake’ and I’d just be like, ‘Oh, hey man… How’s it going? Oh hey dude, nice to see you again’ because that’s how you act when you can tell that someone recognizes you and you have no fucking clue who they are.”— John Mulaney
Excellent point.
John Mulaney woke up with amnesia once and never told anyone because he was too worried about being rude
When I was 21 I worked in a home for old people with dementia. One day I was helping this lady out while her son was there visiting. They made nice conversation and then he went to leave. As soon as he’d closed the door the old lady turned to me and asked “who was that?”. He had been there for over an hour.
Same energy
You’re laughing. We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you’re laughing.
One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.
And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”
He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.
during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard
When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”
She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”
He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”
Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”
ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid
i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”
Vanya: You could probably pour soup in my lap and I’d apologize to you.
White Violin Vanya:Do not fuck with me.
Anybody: Where do you see yourself in 10 years
Five:*flashbacks to the apocalypse*
the universe: you WILL have to see your ex gf seven days in a row AND you have four projects due this week
me:
I saw a potato being run over at school today
anḋ u stood there
I was over on the bench
haven’t had the time for any new tmnt edits for some time now bc of school so i give you this short Mikey edit (audio from a John Mulaney stand-up)
so i posted this on my twitter but like
john mulaney may be the white bread of comedy but i eat plain white bread without the crust more often than is healthy for me
Regardless of your opinion on John Mulaney- he did build a substantial part of his reputation on being Not Like Other Male Comedians/ Loving His Wife. I get there’s a mix of feelings about this whole situation or whether anyone should care, but from a logical standpoint, it’s kind of wild that he’s profiting off material he made based around the very concept of faithfulness to his wife. This why I propose that Anna Marie Tendler should receive royalties for every stream of John Mulaney content centered around respecting her, in this essay I will-
had an urge to make secrets of dumbledore but everything is explained by john mulaney so may i present to you:
