#homesickness
For My Friends, in Reply to a Question
Safia Elhillo
after David Ignatow
I’m okay. And, of course, I’m not,
but I go through the motions. I wake up
to the alarm’s howl, even when the word
in my body is no. I dress in livid colors.
I blacken the hairs of each eyebrow. I bake
& braise & pickle. I write & read & lose
hours to the blur of the television. I sit
for hours in the bath, my skin puckering.
I don’t know if I’ll ever go home again.
I don’t know who I’ve seen for the last time.
The Arabic comes back to me in streaks
of paint, verb forms & vocabularies
I may never again have occasion to use.
My days smudge into one another & it’s not
that I am afraid. It’s as if I am watching it
all happen below, & I am somewhere above
the room, wondering if the rice is burning.
I am somewhere above the room, watching
my new aches, watching the news as if
I am reading it in a novel. I look up
the names of people I knew in childhood,
learn their new & angular faces, their
faraway lives. My grandfather pixelates
into a smile & I work my creaking muscles
to replicate it, I do not ask if we will ever
meet again, I do not ask him to read to me,
or for anything that will make me long.
I dull it with sugar & oil, with cooking shows,
with sleep. I sleep twelve hours each night
& in my dreams I am fleeing a war, in my dreams
I am touching the faces of my friends, we are
each one of us touching, & even in the dream
we are afraid.
==
Today in…
2020:The Conditional, Ada Limón
2019:Dorothy Wordsworth, Jennifer Chang
2018:A Small Needful Fact, Ross Gay
2017:What We Need, David Budbill
2016:Husky Boys’ Dickies, Jill McDonough
2015:Why Some Girls Love Horses, Paisley Rekdal
2014:The Fox, Faith Shearin
2013:You Can’t Have It All, Barbara Ras
2012:Road Trip, Kurt Brown
2011:Onset, Kim Addonizio
2010:February, Margaret Atwood
2009:Domestic, Carl Phillips
2008:A Birthday, W.S. Merwin
2007:Words for Love, Ted Berrigan
2006:At the Trial of Hamlet, Chicago, 1994, Sherman Alexie
2005:The Waking, Theodore Roethke
Bought a reminder of where I’m from #love #homesweethome #glassware #vintage #souvenir #homesickness
Hiraeth
She belonged to me as I did her, do understand,
My sanctuary, my saviour, my land.
I hear her in my cry, I feel her in my breath,
And I took a piece with her when I left.
You’ve no idea how much she meant to me,
And how that I miss the mountains, if only you could see.
My longing is not only for my lover, but my home,
now that Im left to wander this cruel world alone.
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Day 1 of ZevWarden week 2021: Homesickness
An unintended sigh escaped Nelka’s lips as the foliage above fully concealed the sky.
“Are you alright over there?” Zevran asked, glancing at Nelka.
They’d been on the road for weeks, searching for a cure to the Taint. Nelka had wanted to go alone, to let Zevran remain in Antiva to finish up any lingering Crows, but – naturally – he insisted on coming along. Though she would be lying if she said she wasn’t grateful for the company.
“Yeah,” she replied. She stared at the tree-cover above for a moment, and then continued, “I’ve been on the surface for years, but I still feel better when I can’t see the sky. When there’s some kind of ceiling above me.”
Zevran took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “Don’t worry, I still won’t let the sky gobble you up.” His tone was joking, but he never dismissed Nelka’s fear.
“Is it strange that I miss Dust Town sometimes? It was a horrible, horrible place, but…”
“It was home.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not strange at all,” Zevran said. Their hands remained clasped between them, and neither gave any indication of letting go. “I still miss Antiva. It is full of many good memories and many bad memories, but it’s always going to be a home for me. I do hope I get the chance to show it to you someday, without assassins stalking us the whole time,” he added, a smile on his lips.
“I hope so too.”
“If you do want to go back to Orzammar, I’m sure we can make some sort of arrangement. It’s not as if they can turn away the dwarf who defeated the Blight, no?”
“I’m sure some of them would find a way.” Nelka rolled her eyes, and the brand on her cheek seemed to burn a little bit as she thought on it. “Thanks, but I don’t think I really want to go back. I hear from my sister often enough, and she’s all that’s left for me in Orzammar. Thinking about Dust Town, about tons of stone above my head… It’s as if I feel nostalgia for good times I never had there.”
Zevran nodded. “I understand. But once we fix the Taint, if you change your mind…”
She held onto his hand a little tighter. “I think I’d rather you show me Antiva.”
“We’ll have plenty of time.”
Nelka glanced up at him and smiled. “For what it’s worth, Zevran, as much as I miss living underground sometimes, my home is wherever you are.”
He stopped dead in his tracks, tugging Nelka toward him with their clasped hands until he could hold her tight and press a long, slow kiss to her lips. He kissed her forehead and caressed her cheek, showing no sign of continuing on their trek any time soon.
“I feel the same,” he breathed. “Nellie, you aremy home. You gave me a chance so long ago to choose what I truly want, without answering to anyone else, and every choice has led me to you, over and over again.”
A few tears started to form in Nelka’s eyes at his confession. Damn, she was going soft; she never used to cry, but Zevran had a way of tearing down her walls with a few words or a gentle touch.
“I love you,” was all she could manage to say.
“I love you too, mi amor. And no matter how far apart our travels may take us, I will always come home to you.”
