#how to stay

dirtydaddythings:

Lessons from Daddy:

How to stay “Daddy” when your boy is the top.
This lesson is simple, in my opinion, because it has more to do with a misconception about power being balanced in favor of the top rather than the bottom. Being in ‘control’ does not mean being active nor does being submissive mean being passive. A lot of these issues get mixed up together because there are some really toxic images of ‘being a man’, where you fuck, get blown, and are this borderline (or worse) neglectful or abusive person. In this situation none of these things are appropriate. A Daddy is a role, as a son is a role, one both choose to take and help to mutually define together. It “normally” (read: in common understanding)  means that the Daddy is older, and the son younger, that Daddy is fully Dominant and the son is fully submissive, but those things are ENTIRELY negotiable as there are mixed age couples where the roles are not in that way (the younger is the ‘dominant’ partner and the older is the submissive) and many switch or reversed roles from the ‘standard’ idea of what a Dad/son relationship is. There are too many variations to cover, but all of them are valid so long as they are mutual in nature and shared maturely together. If you are a Daddy who is at least versatile, if not fully a bottom, and find it hard to feel like a “Daddy” in that position so to speak, then there are a few things you can do to change that.

1: Stay in control.

This means being active, not passive, while bottoming for your son. You can do this by using positions where you maintain control over the action yourself, or if that isn’t possible, you use verbal cues and guidance to keep that control element. It is truly not difficult to be in control as a bottom, no more difficult than as a top. You need self control, clear communication and a steady hand in guiding his efforts and his learning. Daddy is the mentor teaching his boy. The rest is all variations of flavor when it comes to how Dominant and submissive you are to each other. If you are a sub daddy these things won’t’ normally apply to you but as a boy is generally less experienced he will still need to learn proper skill and that may mean setting standard ‘roles’ a side in part for both of you so he can improve and become a great top.

2: Teach him how to do it.

That means teaching self control while demonstrating it yourself, in both your tempo and muscle control keeping the action hot but making it last. Talk him through the process the first time, remind him in later encounters and use your own skill to be the best bottom for your boy while teaching HIM to be the best top for you. Show him the spectrum from passive bottom to active bottom and teach him what cues to pay attention for to know that he’s on target without being told. Through teaching you keep that “Daddy-ness” that’s part of what he craves. Use of cues and, in general, relying on that level of obedience he has to tell him to stop, control his tempo and properly guide him from being an amateur to a master in the art of fucking his Daddy. The goal is to help him reach a level of skill and understanding that means you can relax and let him do the work as you’ve taught him to just like any other sexual activity. Remember your Role and help him maintain his role while being able be yourselves sexually.

A lot of boys learn from porn, and porn is a BAD teacher when it comes to learning how to top. Porn sex is often violent, aggressive and careless, and while that can be exciting LATER on during sex, it shouldn’t start that way as its disrespectful to the bottom in the situation. Teach him to be patient, to control his movements, to go slow when you tell him, fast when you tell him, and most of all to stay still when you say. Sometimes the best way is to show him, but if he is willing to learn you can easily teach him to be the greatest kind of top: the kind who knows how to please his bottom (especially when its his daddy).

3: Knowing what positions to use.

This is another area of training for a boy and so the choices of position should remain with Daddy initially. It’s still your job to teach him self control and the skills you know a good top should have. Wild abandon is great, but your son needs to become an expert top and that means everything from rimming, to fingering to choosing the right position to have sex in. It’s very important to demonstrate various positions and explain why and how they feel how they do but equally important is how useful thy are to a top. Some positions are far better for fingering and rimming than for penetration and vice versa. Good positions can be used for all three, but being caught in a rut where only one position is used leads to boredom and that’s never good.

It’s also important to teach him HOW to change position when he needs to and when his bottom needs to. Once he’s learned the value of different positions for his pleasure and his Daddy’s then when you are comfortable with his skill, patience and self control you will want to let him take the lead in choices to help him establish greater confidence in his skill as a top but don’t forget you can use verbal and touch based cues to keep control of the action, even when he is doing it all himself.He’s your boy so your reinforcement and expressed pleasure are important to his own.

Closing thoughts:

The thing about this idea, that of the bottom daddy, is that it confuses issues, mixes up all kinds of machismo and masculine ideas up and in general wind up limiting potential pleasure that can be shared between a Daddy and his boy. The best thing you can do is talk about things together, unplug the bullshit that makes you 'less a man’ for bottoming, and accept that being a man is exactly why you two are fucking one another. If you want to internalize homophobia and turn your life into a toxic mess of misplaced ideals, go right ahead, but it won’t help you ever have a good sex life, just a short one. If you are in bed with a man, you are in bed with that man for a reason, namely that you want to have sex with him. If he is going to get fucked by you, respect that he has chosen to, and don’t confuse being a man with being on top, because that is not the case. “Man” is an image, male is a gender, bottom is a position and Daddy is a role. They can all coincide without being reduced down into little boxes. As a Daddy who bottoms for his boy when the need arises, I know full well how to stay 'Daddy’ while my boy is on 'top’.