#i felt safe for the first time

I know death is complicated.

I tried to plan for it, for the eventuality of grandparents aging and dying. I tried to prep myself for my mother’s death my entire life; planning what I’d need to do and how to navigate the pain I’d be in. It’s something I’ve always tried to do. Plan for every possibility.

In the early hours of the morning, however, I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t truly predict how I would feel or act in these situations at all.

I never planned for Eve dying.

It was unexpected. Sudden. Mid conversation about apple trees. I thought she’d be okay.

I didn’t expect my life to have formed so much around her, for her to be that strong bond holding it together. And now it’s… frayed.

And because my life was so wrapped up in hers, everything around me is something tied to her. Everything we were working towards. All my plans, all the little things I want to share with her, all the investments she made, Siamese cats, accounts I follow that she shared with me, the home I live in. There’s ‘thanks’ I didn’t say often enough. There’s words and emotions gone unexpressed for fear of my eternal awkwardness ruining things.

I don’t know how to talk about her properly. I wasn’t done learning about her, or knowing her.

It’s complicated.

It’s simple.

She was here, and now she’s not.