A flitting, fleeting idea that I have is Bernie expecting something from her grief over Cam. In the days after she waits, for the numbness to receed, for it to hit her. Makes it all the way to Spain and the only visceral reaction had been in those split seconds after her son had died, as that scream had torn her in half, wrenched itself from the pit of her stomach like Cam had, around 30 years ago.
She waits and expects anger. She knows the grief after losing a child. She’s seen in up close and destructive, when Elinor was taking from Serena. Whether it’s naive or shock or hope, she expects and anticipates acting in the same way. Bernie braces herself to rage against everything and everyone.
But she doesn’t. She does nothing out of the ordinary. Serena tiptoes around. Perhaps those first few weeks without Elinor are on her mind as well. The crushing weight of an absence that should never have happened.
Cam never leaves her mind, but she just can’t muster up much of anything and if she stops to think about it, to talk about it…
Bernie feels like she can BREATHE. When Cam died, horrifically, Bernie doesn’t feel that compressing ache that made Serena all twisted up and hateful. She feels like she can BREATHE. Cam was the last piece of the puzzle in setting herself free of Mogadishu. The person left to tell that had to be told. The person she couldn’t face, couldn’t live with hating her. The last thing holding her back and now…? Now there are no more secrets. No shadows or explanations or justifications to make on how she’s spent the past few years.
So Bernie breathes. Air fills her lungs. The weight leaves her shoulders. In and out. Until it’s too much. Till it leaves her so light headed that her eyes prick with tears and she can’t stop *breathing* because her son in gone and it’s awful and wrong and she shouldn’t feel like this and her head swims. Did she ever know her son? Did she allow him to know her? Is she saved? Did he save her?
And then Serena is by her side, reaching out, but she twists like wind and can’t stop breathing in and out, pushing Serena away as Serena tries to hold on. Her fingertips graze her elbow and Serena’s touch is the only tangible thing about her, the places where her fingers sweep the only part of her that feels real and solid… Bernie lets all the air in and out in sobs and whimpers now.
Bernie isn’t consumed. Bernie is weightless. And Bernie has always been one to rely on the certainty of gravity.
Well, I am so very soft for the s8 dropping in just a few hours so I guess I will just put it here for the record, and maybe, future animatic/cover or whatever. Or maybe one of you guys would like to do something with this. In that case, I’m more than welcome and definetely would love to see people doing something with it! I had this Man up song (from The Book of Mormon musical) version since two years. And I’m quite proud of it so I really wanted to share it with people out there. There’s the audio And the lyrics are here:
PIDGE: What did brother do When they expected him to fight Did he try to run away? Did he just break down and cry?
No, brother dug down deep Knowing what he had to do- When surrounded by alien ships Brother knew that he had to…
Man up. He had to man up. So he get on that ship and flied ahead And he manned up. Damn, he manned up And taught us all what real manning Up is about!
And now it’s up to me And it’s time to man up! Brother has his time Now it’s mine ta MAN UP!
I’m taking the reins, l’m cutting my hair! Just like brother I’m bearing my fate! I’ve gotta stand up, Can’t just clam up, It’s time ta- MAN UP!
HUNK ‘Cuz there’s a time in your life When you know you’ve got to MAN UP. Don’t let it pass you by, There’s just one time to MAN UP.
LANCE Watch me man up like Nobody else!
HUNK I’m gonna man up all Over myself!
LANCE I’ve got to get ready, It’s time ta, Time ta!
What did Shiro do When they kidnapped all his crew? Did he scream like a girl? Or did he take it like a man? When some one had to fight He was right there to help Shiro said “I’ll do it!” And he took it on the chin!
HUNK He manned up! He manned up, He inspired both me and you That’s man up. Real man up. And now it’s my time ta…
LANCE DO IT DUDE!
SHIRO Time to be a hero And beat the galras! Time to battle Zarkon I’m not your prisoner! I’m gonna time ta, just watch me go! Time to stand up and blow up his reign Time ta! Mine ta! Time ta! Time ta! TIME TA.
ALLURA: Altean city A place of hope and joy…
CORAN: MAN UP!
ALLURA: And if they want to get here They just have to find that lion!
CORAN: Time ta!
KEITH: Can you please tell me Why did the Garrison expelled me?
CHORUS: Alternian city…
LANCE: Hasta la later, Keith!
KEITH: More to the point, What did they do to Shiro in that ship?
CHORUS: Alternian city You have to save him!
KEITH: It seems I’m not alone anymore
HUNK: Man up!
KEITH: Now these dorks will know my suspects
ALL: Mullet boy
KEITH: We are going where the lions are AND FORM VOLTRON
ALL: FORM VOLTRON
CHORUS: Listen to the wild cat call!
PIDGE: My time to, time ta, Now it’s my time to, Time ta!
CHORUS: Altea is also a ship!
SHIRO: No time to, not time ta, No, now it’s time to time ta!
CHORUS: Huuh!
LANCE: I’ll be leader for the very first time!
CHORUS: Time ta!
KEITH: I dont think you can drive us straight!
CHORUS: Straight!
CORAN: Can’t you guys just please flippin’ calm down It’s time ta, To form VOLTRON!
ALLURA: CHORUS: KEITH: Altean city! Hay ya ya! Form Voltron Altean city! Hay ya ya! Form Voltron Altean city! I’m coming… Altean city!
ALL: FORM VOLTRON! Worm hole!
LANCE: It’s time ta-
HUNK: I dont think thats a good idea but whatever!
I don’t even know where to start. The last time one of my favorite authors died (the great Diana Wynne Jones, a severely underrated fantasy and science fiction author. If you haven’t read her, go pick up The Dark Lord of Derkholm or Howl’s Moving Castle this instant), I cried for three hours and was prone to bursting into tears for the next week.
Books, especially fantasy books, most especially fantasy books written from a place of compassion and humor and optimism, are kind of important to me.
I remember, vividly, the first time I read a Discworld novel. I was 15, a sophomore in high school, we were doing CAHSEE testing, and I kept finishing so early that I had already blown through the book I brought to read in case I finished early.
“I don’t have anything to reeeaaaad,” I whined to a friend during lunch. This was, in my life, the most pressing problem and highest priority.
“I have a book you can borrow,” he said, and dug in his bag until he found it.
It was Equal Rites. I read it in two hours, biting hard on my knuckles to muffle my uncontrollable laughter in the agonized silence of standardized testing.
And then I read the rest of them. However I could get them, in whatever order I found them. Four years later I owned every single one.
Pratchett was, unquestionably, a genius. Many people have remarked upon his painfully on point observations of everything from academia to economics to human nature. Others have mentioned his ability to put those observations on the same page as a funny vegetable joke without either one losing anything, and most of the time gaining something, in the delivery.
What I know is this: Terry Pratchett’s work saved, if not my actual life, at least my soul.
My teen years were difficult for me. They’re difficult for most everyone, I think. Books were, at times, the only shield I had against the darkness and the noise. But Discworld was more than that. Discworld taught me things. How to be human. How to have compassion for others. How to remain in the world. How to exist in a way where I didn’t hate everything, including myself.
I don’t know what he would want as a eulogy, or if he would want one at all, but judging from his writing, I think he would value knowing he made a difference. So this is what he taught me.
You don’t have to be nice to be kind (Granny Weatherwax).
What you choose to do shows who you are more than anything else (Vimes).
Home is something you carry with you (Tiffany).
Be the person you needed as a child (Susan).
Anger is a tool. Use it as fuel to stand up for what you believe in (Vimes).
Stories are what make us human (Death).
Someone must speak up for those who have no voices (Granny Aching).
Life isn’t fair. Don’t let that stop you from trying (Vimes).
// At school it’s the question what has happened all day. You’ve always been the loud one, but now you can’t speak. So you avoid the whats and whys, Akaashi and Kuroo. The latter you can’t even contact. Even though you should. Really.
