“X bodily fluid is just filtered blood!” buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
“Okay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicated” well buddy, that’s because your blood is imitation seawater. See? It’s very simple.
Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital.
Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces.
Thank you that’s…very disturbing
It’s not my fault you’re human.
Ok but “It’s not my fault you’re human.” Is the best comeback ever.
You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. “Wow,” you think, metaphorically, “it sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs I can have. Good thing I have all this water around me that’s the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so I don’t explode or shrivel up) so I can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.”
“Wait a minute,” you say a couple of generations later, because you’re not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, “instead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about I put it in tubes? I can keep MY water separate from the rest of the world’s water! Anything I want to keep goes in my water! Anything I don’t, I dump back into the outside water! I’m a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process that’s a GENIUS!”
“Wow,” you think a great many generations later, “being able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is so great. Look how big I’m getting. I even have a special pump to move my seawater around, and these cool filter systems to keep the chemicals in it right, and that control and chemical concentration has let me grow so many energy-intensive, highly specialised organs! Being big is so hard. I need special cells just to carry my oxygen around now, to make sure my enormous, constantly-operating body has enough of it.”
At this point you are embodying a fish, and eventually, fish start straying into water with different pressures and salinity levels. (I mean, they do that since befor ehty’er fish, but… look, I’m trying to keep things simple here.) “What the FUCK,” you think. “My inside water is at a different salinity and pressure to the outside water?? How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t have freshwater inside my seawater tubes! My cells have a set salinity and they would explode! I need to start beefing up my regulatory and filter systems so that my inside seawater STAYS SEAWATER OF THE CORRECT SALINITY even if the outside water is different! Fortunately, adding salt to my seawater is a lot easier than removing it, and I want to be saltier than this weird outside water.” At this point you beef up your liver and urinary systems to compensate for different salinities. (Note: the majority of fish, freshwater and saltwater, have a fairly narrow band of salinities they can live in. Every fish doesn’t get to deal with every level of salinity; they are evolved to regulate within specific bands.)
You also, at some point, go out on land. This is new and weird because you have to carry all of your water inside. “It’s a good thing I turned myself into a giant bag of seawater,” you think. “If I wasn’t carrying my seawater inside, how would I transport all these important chemicals between my organs and the environment?” As you specialise to live entirely outside of the water, you realise (once again) that it’s a lot easier to add salt to water than to remove it in great quantities. Drinking seawater in large amounts becomes toxic; your body isn’t specialised for removing that amount of salt. Instead, you drink freshwater, and add salts to that. The majority of your organs are, at this point, specialised for moving your seawater around, protecting it, adding stuff to it, or taking stuff out. You have turned yourself into an intelligent bag for carrying and regulating a small amount of imitation seawater, and its salinity (and your commitment to maintaining that salinity) is based entirely on the seawater that some early animals started to build tubes around a long time ago.
Imagine going to a party and the white suburban stay at home mom with two overachiever kids and white dad who barbeques but doesn’t know how to barbeque and yet is always surrounded by other white Dads who compliment his barbqeuing even though they’re just store bought preshaped frozen patties from Ralph’s or Food 4 Less and while he’s cooking those the white mom comes out and says “okay kids, here’s some pizza!” And she pulls this out and starts telling the kids why its a “fun pizza” and then cries in her master bedroom when no one likes it or finishes it and the white dad is then consoling her why she sobs that she’s a terrible mother and ruined her fourth grade straight B+ sons birthday and thinks her kids hate her but they don’t care but she continues crying softly into her pillow while the children eat poorly cooked burgers with unmelted kraft singles and too much mayonnaise and the only other condiments are two pickles and pepper because the dad calls it his special burger with a secret spice but the spice was just pepper and the kids just keep playing E rated games on their Nintendo Wii while the 17 year old older sister starts cleaning the tragedy up and throwing away uneaten “fun pizza” and whole burgers dejected from the start while she dials Pizza Hut to get these kids an actual birthday lunch and the mother then throws a fit because the daughter did something the kids liked and she didn’t and was the only one making a huge deal out of it and the daughter was then grounded from her TV in her room for only two days and the son went to blow out the candles in his standard birthday cake from food 4 less the mom added strawberries to so she could feel she did something but was still slightly teary and sad because her day was ruined by no one wanting to eat her “fun pizza”
- He’s queer and he’s here (or more specifically bisexual)
- Doesn’t make a big deal about being sick or hurt because he truly thinks that its not
- Except for stubbing his toe. He’s swears like a bloody sailer
- “Stubs toe””Curses to heaven and beyond””closes eyes, takes a deep breath” I’m fine
- Is an amazing student but his process on being one is a mess
- Will go from studying until he hasn’t slept or eaten for days, to where he can’t even remember how to study and James freaking Potter has to force him
- Procrastinates so hard but still gets perfect grades? wtf
- Can grow facial hair easily, Sirius is jealous
- Stands at the sides during parties because they make him uncomfortable
- Only dances if James, Sirius, or lily force him to
- Once on the dance floor he starts to loosen up, but the second any of them leave him he is sitting right back down
- He’s either dead asleep or up until 4 in the morning there is no in-between
- Does everything for pranks expect execute them because if James and Sirius get caught there is no way to tie it back to him
- His side of the room makes no sense
- Some parts will be tidy but others are a complete mess
- Like his side table and trunk look perfect, but his desk and bed look like a tornado flew through their dorm
- Messy messy hair
- Loves to read. boy has a new book everyday
- Always complains about the weather
- Snowing? Remus is grumbling under his breath while wearing three coats
- Hot out? Remus is acting like a 70 year old man and not a 17 year old kid
- Talk shit about his friends and you will end up in a jinx so bad you’re in the infirmary for days
- A lot of people think he’s shy but he’s really not
- Just very indifferent towards people, and really good at keeping his constant panic in his head
- Always looks like the undead, no matter how many hours of sleep he gets
- Forgets to eat because when he was younger anytime the full moon would draw near he’d be too anxious to eat anything
- Was reluctant to become friends with James and Sirius at first
- Wanted to keep a low profile and he knew these two loud ass boys were not gonna help
- But then he over heard them talking about a prank and chipped in some advice after hearing their rubbish planning
- They wouldn’t let him go after that
- Doesn’t talk in class
- It takes too much effort to not get caught and its not worth a detention
- Will throw the other Marauders under the bus if its to get out of detention
- Doesn’t understand or care for Quidditch. Breaks James poor heart
- Told James and Sirius that calling themselves The Marauders was very cliche and ridiculous but went along with it anyway
- Denies that he’s a meddler but he really is
- The worst out of the bunch (next to Marlene of course)
- He’s just way to smart and observant, so he likes to take control of situations so they will move along faster
- James thinks most of the plans to get him with Lily were devised by Sirius, but no that was all Remus
- His comebacks will kill you
- Cracks Sirius up all the time
- Talks/mumbles to himself
- Gets migraines easily
- Got a nose piercing in seventh year and Sirius almost bust a nut
- His accents a mix of English and something else but no ones knows and remus feigns ignorance
- It makes Sirius want to pull out his hair
- Believes he’s a monster
- Anytime he’s told otherwise he’ll roll his eyes and sarcastically say “suuuure”
