what’s the name for that species of joke where you mix and match true facts to make something twice as wrong as knowing nothing. if you bite it and you die it’s a stalagmite if it bites you and you die it’s a stalactite
It’s actually not the stalactite that bites you you’re thinking of stalactite’s monster.
it’s only a stalactite if it’s from the Stalac region of
Why do Goblins have to eat trash? Why can’t goblin cuisine simply have a strong emphasis on fermentation and controlled spoilage?
Like fermentation stinks to high heaven and you typically hide it away in dark and cool places. It fits lore wise for a creature that lives in a cave and is described as unclean.
Anyway this has been food for thought
concept: a setting where every race has a different preferred method of food preservation and each of them is pretty sure that everyone else is ruining their food - goblinoids are masters of fermented foods, elves make exquisite sundried fruits and jerkies, dwarf cities have enchanted walk-in freezers hewn from living stone, gnomes can pickle anything, orcish smokehouses are legendary.
humans and halflings don’t have their own signature food preservation methods, but are notable for being willing to eat everyone else’s trail rations.
Goblins also have an EXQUISITE mushroom cuisine. A single package of genuine goblin-grown shelf mushrooms can be worth more than gold in some regions.
Okay, yes to all of this, but consider: FUSION CUISINE.
Some adventurous gnome starts using elf-dried berries and herbs in their pickling vat. Some curious orc discovers what happens when you smoke goblin-fermented fish. An elf defies all tradition and starts adding both orcish curing seasonings and goblin-made vinegar to their jerky. A couple of dwarves and halflings working together accidentally invent ice cream and nobody knows how.
A sandwich shop opens up called A&B, which most people think is for the names of the owners (Allforth and Burrows, a human and halfling respectively) but is actually a reference to the fact that everything on the menu is a combination of at least two unrelated culinary traditions.
Thin-sliced orcish smoked sausage on a hard roll with gnomish pickled greens and a tangy spread made out of elvish sun-dried tomatoes
Goblinish fermented fish paste blended with soft cheese, on bread studded with olives cured in the gnomish style and then elf-dried
Human-style fresh roasted fowl topped with orc-smoked bacon, slathered in a combination of halfling-style berry jam and goblinish vinegar
… I admit I’m at a loss for how to use dwarvish freezing techniques here. Any suggestions?
If dwarves can freeze they can probably freeze-dry. Imagine what can be done with powdered fruit, vegetables, and herbs.
Frozen dwarven meats sliced razor-thin on their finely-crafted blades for sandwiches or charcuterie boards, accompanied by fermented goblin relish, pickled gnomish vegetables, and dried elven fruits. It’s accompanied by fine halfling cheeses and human-made bread (ok, so they’re not as known for it as some other races, but halflings do make a mean cheese and humans eat honestly way too much bread, so they it make a lot).
Dwarven-iced goblin kombucha
Soups made with out-of-season freeze-dried herbs and vegetables, the flavor enhanced with freeze-dried and powered goblin mushrooms
Breads and cookies flavored and colored with freeze-dried fruit powders in fanciful shapes
this post is a neverending font of delight
Has anyone considered dwarven cheese, ripened in caves?
Hmm … on reflection, cheese seems to me more like a controlled-spoilage method of preservation. Which, as per the original concept, means it should be goblin work. Especially the sorts of cheese that call for careful use of exactly the right kind of mold.
But goblins and dwarves working together could probably get up to some amazing cross-disciplinary methods for cheese ripening.
It’s also occurred to me that if dwarves use freezing as their chief method of preserving food, and goblins use fermentation and other forms of controlled rot, this combination is also perfectly primed for the discovery of freeze distillation.
Domesticated computers will eat a disc right out of someone’s hand but wild computers are too shy you have to leave the disc on the ground and let it walk over to it and eat it itself
how dare you leave this important pc health info in the tags
i would buy officially licensed tumblr shoelaces staff really missed out on a golden opportunity with their new merch store
tumblr is a site that, by tradition, you do not discuss using in public, let alone plaster on your body. however the subtlety of shoelaces combined with the comedy of the Bit would make that specific item worth it
Tumblr can’t be swapped for other social media website because Tumblr is the only one whose whole base humor is derived from the art of pretending to be a dumbass.
Like if you get a fact wrong on Reddit, the “well actually” crowd will ooze from their mansplainer holes and I think if you pull that shtick on Twitter someone will use it to win a political argument against you that you weren’t even a part of.
Only on Tumblr can you start a sentence with “well sweaty I have 9 Ph.D. :))” and immediately have the upper hand over any clown trying to reasonably correct you.
smooth sharks holds this website together like atlas holding up the sky
“X bodily fluid is just filtered blood!” buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
“Okay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicated” well buddy, that’s because your blood is imitation seawater. See? It’s very simple.
Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital.
Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces.
Thank you that’s…very disturbing
It’s not my fault you’re human.
Ok but “It’s not my fault you’re human.” Is the best comeback ever.
You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. “Wow,” you think, metaphorically, “it sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs I can have. Good thing I have all this water around me that’s the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so I don’t explode or shrivel up) so I can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.”
“Wait a minute,” you say a couple of generations later, because you’re not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, “instead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about I put it in tubes? I can keep MY water separate from the rest of the world’s water! Anything I want to keep goes in my water! Anything I don’t, I dump back into the outside water! I’m a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process that’s a GENIUS!”
“Wow,” you think a great many generations later, “being able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is so great. Look how big I’m getting. I even have a special pump to move my seawater around, and these cool filter systems to keep the chemicals in it right, and that control and chemical concentration has let me grow so many energy-intensive, highly specialised organs! Being big is so hard. I need special cells just to carry my oxygen around now, to make sure my enormous, constantly-operating body has enough of it.”
At this point you are embodying a fish, and eventually, fish start straying into water with different pressures and salinity levels. (I mean, they do that since befor ehty’er fish, but… look, I’m trying to keep things simple here.) “What the FUCK,” you think. “My inside water is at a different salinity and pressure to the outside water?? How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t have freshwater inside my seawater tubes! My cells have a set salinity and they would explode! I need to start beefing up my regulatory and filter systems so that my inside seawater STAYS SEAWATER OF THE CORRECT SALINITY even if the outside water is different! Fortunately, adding salt to my seawater is a lot easier than removing it, and I want to be saltier than this weird outside water.” At this point you beef up your liver and urinary systems to compensate for different salinities. (Note: the majority of fish, freshwater and saltwater, have a fairly narrow band of salinities they can live in. Every fish doesn’t get to deal with every level of salinity; they are evolved to regulate within specific bands.)
You also, at some point, go out on land. This is new and weird because you have to carry all of your water inside. “It’s a good thing I turned myself into a giant bag of seawater,” you think. “If I wasn’t carrying my seawater inside, how would I transport all these important chemicals between my organs and the environment?” As you specialise to live entirely outside of the water, you realise (once again) that it’s a lot easier to add salt to water than to remove it in great quantities. Drinking seawater in large amounts becomes toxic; your body isn’t specialised for removing that amount of salt. Instead, you drink freshwater, and add salts to that. The majority of your organs are, at this point, specialised for moving your seawater around, protecting it, adding stuff to it, or taking stuff out. You have turned yourself into an intelligent bag for carrying and regulating a small amount of imitation seawater, and its salinity (and your commitment to maintaining that salinity) is based entirely on the seawater that some early animals started to build tubes around a long time ago.
hey y’all, i haven’t been using tumblr much recently anyhow and i won’t be deleting anything here, but if in the mass move away from the platform you’d still like to keep up with my shenanigans, i’m mostly over ontwitterthese days
you’ve gotta understand i don’t post on here to gain followers i do it to empty my mind ruthlessly each day so i dont go insane . me posting about a character is just me shaking my brain upside down to make sure everything comes out
There’s discovering that you have a kink as in learning something new about yourself, and there’s discovering that you have a kink as in you always knew you were into it, but you didn’t realise it was a kink because you honestly thought everybody was into it, and of the two, the second one is much, much funnier.
It’s like the boner-based equivalent of folks with undiagnosed food allergies going “I just thought bananas were supposed to be spicy”.
Please… you CANNOT HIDE THIS IN THE TAGS
> #you never see foot fetishists talking about how all men naturally crave toes as part of the human condition
Not only have I seen that, I have seen it in a power point at a conference
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT THIS IS??? because as someone who works in digital marketing, my jaw literally dropped.
When I put out an ad for a client on Facebook, I can target like… new moms in their 30s who are looking for furniture within a 10-mile radius. Or people who have an anniversary coming up. People who have just moved. People who are in a new relationship. People who have elementary school kids and tend to vote Republican. People who have liked certain Pages. It’s absolutely unnerving.
the utter chaos of this, though.
it’s just… incredible.
Honestly though, as someone myself who works in infosec and data privacy, what this suggests to me is that Tumblr either doesn’t have, or isn’t willing / able to use, that detailed targeting information about its users. Which is great!! Every other company out there - not just social media companies but everything from your grocery store to your car insurance company to your operating system provider - actively collects as much demographic data as it can about its users specifically for this kind of ad targeting purposes.
Obviously Tumblr still collects some data and uses it for ad targeting; they do have this in their Privacy settings:
But the fact that they’re either unable, or are choosing not, to make that data available to people buying Blaze posts is such a huge win for data protection and a giant thumbing of the nose to the FAANGs who believe that the only way to make ad revenue work is to make ads as targeted as possible.
I can’t express how much I hope Blaze succeeds with this insane and chaotic model. XD
if you’re offline or away and i message you something (like a link to a meme or a picture or w/e) honestly just assume that i’m just leaving it there for when you get back and not expecting you to answer straight away. i don’t need you to respond with “hey, sorry, i wasn’t at the computer!” or anything. i was leaving u a gift for later.
This also applies if you’re online and just don’t want to or have the energy to deal with humans in the moment. Just because we have the ability to reply in real time does not mean we have the obligation.
im like a cat i drag the posts to ur doorstep and if ur not there it’s ok, the post will be on ur porch for later
i cannot stress enough that because of how social media and communications platforms work, if you put something out into the world people will 1) see it 2) react to it and maybe even 3) reply publicly. unless it is a private journal or such, you should accept that if you put something out there that is inherently divisive, you will receive comments that may make you unhappy.
if you blaze a post (force randos to see it) intended for an inherently niche audience (fanfiction consumers), that’s one thing. appending “minors dni” to what should be a perfectly innocuous post while also fucking blazing it (again, forcing randos to see it, including minors), will get you made fun of. doubly so if this leads people to look at your fanfics, and quadruply so if said fanfics are omegaverse stories about real people
posts that replicate the feeling of seeing a massive plume of black smoke coming from somewhere on the far horizon
the sexual tension between two gas stations on the same intersection
I’m so sick of this shit. Two gastations can’t even be on the same block without some walnut shipping them, while I can’t find a single fic for dennys/applebees with dennys bottoming.
you’re literally out of your mind if you think Dennys isnt a top
I wish the 2012 apocalypse actually happened
This is such a perfect post to welcome all the supposed newcomers to Tumblr.
