#i was an embarrassing mess of a human child

I shared this story on Twitter, and it’s hands down my best embarrassing story, so I thought I’d give more context because it still makes me laugh, and looking back, my dad was the maybe the greatest:

I was a brand new yellow belt, I knew 2 forms, which were both just punches and blocks while slowly stepping in the shape of a capital I, so after I did both of those, and the song was still on, I started turning random directions and doing more punches and blocks. Got very winded but kept on through the song, which yes, is basically techno with people shouting, “MORTAL KOMBAT!”

That morning, I literally left the house wearing my gi and belt and had my dad drive my lizard and crickets to the school on his lunch break. He did not ask questions, but he knew. He knew. He delivered them anyway.

Post-Mortal Kombat routine, I walked across the gym as people clapped politely and returned with my lizard on a leash and the cricket cage all like, “Hold your applause. This isn’t over.” Then I put three crickets on the floor. They immediately hopped away. My lizard did not move at all. So I kind of dragged him around the slippery floor by the leash, panting and sweating, and occasionally asking my teacher how much more time I had. Eventually, she nicely told me my slot was over. Since I was last, everyone just quietly shuffled back to class.

I rode my bike home in my gi with my lizard and crickets in a box on my handlebars and thought it had been pretty solid, if only Ollie (the lizard) hadn’t gotten stage fright.