#im not even worried about the video

Just… ok. I’m not sure how true this is, but I’m choosing to laugh - and point out some of the story headlines at the bottom.
“Forest Spirits Troubled by Increase in Homeless Sex”Oberon and Titania are not very happy with the homeless trying to procreate. I would actually like to see this (cough artists? cough youknowyouwanna cough)
“Citibank Criticized for Keeping Hundreds of Rats in Bank Vaults”Oh, but when I do it it’s “gross” and “a danger to my health.”
“Off-Duty Cop Shoots On-Duty Prostitute”I’m actually really curious about this one. Was the cop in street clothes and everything? Did the prostitute threaten them? When they say on duty, do they mean…? If so, was the cop the reason they were on duty?
“Coma Patient Does Not Respond to Being Dressed in Humiliating Chiquita Banana Hat” I have no words… I can’t get past the image of someone lying in a hospital bed, unresponsive, with a Chiquita banana hat on their head. No, worse, imagine being the one who suggested that it might wake him up.
“Sobbing Woman Recognizes This is the Part Where Music Would Swell”Lady, what did the dealer call it? You need to tell me, because that shit sounds a-fucking-mazing. Seriously, what did they call it.
“Civil War Ghost Haunts New Best Buy”I’m just trying to understand how confused this guy must be. Like, it still took them a good thirty seconds to reload between shots when the guy died and now he’s looking at some shit straight outta his biggest nightmare. Like, imagine if he happened across a display where they’re testing out holographic technology. He’d think Satan took over the Earth. I feel sorry for the poor guy, somebody help him move on or something because he’s never even seen electrical light outside of a thunderstorm before.
“Los Angeles Mortician has Disinfected Some Pretty Famous Corpses” I lost it. I absolutely lost it when this came across at the end. I can’t even tell you why, I guess I was just done with all of it put together but I fell out when I read this. I had to rewind and reread it over and over again to make sure I was really seeing the right words. I’m still not certain.