#the onion
PROS
- Every student measured against same narrow, irrelevant set of standards
- Holds teachers personally accountable for success of large, monolithic testing organizations
CONS
- There are easier ways to measure parents’ income
- Takes up time that could be used to teach toward additional standardized tests
More.
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PRO
- Freedom from corporate bullshit like dress codes and health insurance
- Able to set own work/searching-for-work balance
- Never leaving apartment guarantees a maximized return on cost of rent
CON
- Family members only need so many logo designs
- Federal workplace discrimination laws do not apply when someone takes your seat at coffee shop
- Realization that the other people grocery shopping on a Tuesday morning in a relatively empty Trader Joe’s are now your cohort
More.
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Battlestar Galactica + Onion headlines (Gaius Baltar and Number Six)
(Gaius Baltar part one,Gaius Baltar part two,Bill Adama,Laura Roslin)
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The front page of the onion is all this article today.
the iliad: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
the odyssey: Prodigal Asshole Returns
the aeneid: Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had
the satyricon: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I’ll Fuck My Way Out
medea: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who’s Winning Reports
the bacchae: Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
iphigenia at aulis: Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
agamemnon: Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
oedipus the king: True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
herodotus’s histories: Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks
the poetry of catullus: Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something
the ars amatoria: Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
the speeches of cicero: Here Are All Of My Opinions
the epigrams of martial: Come On, Lighten Up, I’m Just Being A Total Asshole
Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation
Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation
Beor: Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy
Andreth: Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies
Barahir: Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money-Death Experience
Beren: Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist
Morwen: Sole Survivor Of Plane Crash Suffering From Survivor’s Pride
Turin: Disaster, Could It Strike Again?
Nienor: Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them
Hurin: Man Wakes From Nightmare Relieved It Only Expression Of His Real-Life Problems
Tuor: ‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive
Haleth: Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
Erendis and Aldarion: Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband
Tar-Ancalime: Area Woman Not A Morning, Afternoon, Or Night Person
Ar-Pharazon: Study Finds Majority Of Deaths Caused By Failure To Heed Omens
Tar-Miriel: How Climate Change Will Affect You
Elendil: Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation’s Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address
Finwe: Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book
Miriel: Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious
Indis: Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her
Feanor: Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters
Fingolfin: Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car
Finarfin: Study: Majority Of Humans Happiest When Rest Of Family Still Asleep
Maedhros: True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
Maglor: Local Man Might As Well Just Give Up
Celegorm: Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
Caranthir: Cousins Meaner This Year
Curufin: Trophy Son Half Father’s Age
Ambarussa: Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship
Fingon: Vanquished Foe’s Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet
Turgon: Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitals
Elenwe: Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice
Aredhel: Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding
Argon: BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead
Finrod: Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year
Angrod: Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say
Aegnor: How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two
Galadriel: Sole Surviving Bridge Club Member Didn’t Want To Win Like This
Celebrimbor: Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor
Idril: Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Maeglin: Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea
Orodreth: It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job
Finduilas: Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess
i wanna thank the onion
Life goals:
- When conversing with a person under the age of 14, make sure to verbally school them by saying at least once, “Shut up, you’re like 12"
- Establish wits of the writer writing for "The Onion"
- Write an essay of conflicting Illumanati theories circulating the web
- Start protesting for the right to protest
- Go on a cow-tipping expedition
- Get people to start calling me Miles, start smoking marijuana and claim to be a member of the "Miles high club"
