#im not sure how to tag this so theres that
My dear Tumblr friends,
In truth, I’m not really sure how to go about writing this. There is so much I need and would like to say. So, please, bear with me as I muddle through this.
I discovered Tumblr in 2012, right around the time of the London Olympics. I discovered tagging and posts and fandoms and fan fiction. But most importantly, I discovered people. People who shared similiar interests and ideas to me. People who were creative and funny and interesting. Tumblr was a space where I could escape into my feels for everything and anything. A space that I didn’t have anywhere else in my life.
Fast forward to 2013 when I lost my job. I decided to pack and leave and go all the way to China. With that, came the end of Tumblr. When I returned to South Africa in 2014 after my year contract was up, I made a sweep of social media. Facebook stayed. Twitter ditched. Tumblr stayed. Instagram… Did not exist at that point. At least not for me.
Coming back to Tumblr felt like home. I reconnected with old friends and fandoms. I discovered new fandoms and with that, lovely new friends. Of course, hockey fandom meant my sleep patterns were disturbed but it was worth it.
Like all fandoms, hockey was not without its share of criticisms or dare I say, drama.
But that sense of community, of belonging drove me. It gave me strength. It gave me hope. For that, I will always be grateful to the tremendous humans in hockey fandom. You are the MVPs. You are the Special Ones. You are the Great Ones.
But I also cannot deny that once again, Tumblr gave me an escape from the real world. An escape that was not altogether healthy. Because, at the time, I didn’t confront the fact that I was so utterly miserable at work or the new city I chose to live in. I kept trying to convince myself it would work. I would fit. I would find a space. I never did.
2016 was a reckoning in that regard. I quit my job and moved back in with my parents. That was possibly the healthiest and unhealthiest thing I could have done. I don’t regret my choice to quit. But I do regret not having an inkling of what I was doing or where I was going next. I do regret not prioritising my mental health, particularly with regard to the complex relationship I have always had and have with my mother.
Tumblr became my go to space. Every day. Every game. Every moment. I was there. I witnessed and blogged. Reblogged. Argued. Made content. Had amazing conversations. The 2016 Olympics and the Pens winning the Stanley Cup in such a close timeframe was mindblowing.
Still, it didn’t take away from me feeling like my own world and the world at large were coming apart at the seams. It started with Donald Trump being elected in November 2016, a grave foreshadowing of what was becoming a trend across the world, the rise of populists. Not to mention how this tidal wave seemed to insert itself everywhere. Into all the cracks and spaces. Fandoms were not left unscathed. Tumblr was not left unscathed.
Amidst all of this, I chose to return to China. I wanted to find a space where I was at peace. Where I could feel like myself again. Where I didn’t have to rely on screen time to feel a sense of joy. Another move to China meant the end of social media.
Technology had advanced tremendously since my first stint in the Middle Kingdom. So I invested in a VPN, a portal to the world beyond the Great Firewall. I wish I could say this helped me feel connected, like I was still a part of things. It didn’t. For the life of me, I couldn’t really tell you why I felt like this.
So, I logged out by choice this time. Out of Facebook. Tumblr. YouTube. All of it. Gone. I walked away, not sure if I had made the right choice or not.
Of course, it’s not true that I didn’t keep up with what was going on. Watching the Pens win the Cup again in 2017 was something magnificent. Watching how ecstatic my fellow Pens fans were was something extraordinary. Logging back in once or twice over that summer in 2017 and marvelling over the festivities gave me the greatest joy.
Then reality came smashing down around my ears. Pens fandom bitterly divided by the impending White House visit. People shouting at each other and over each other. People arguing with each other. People trashing each other. At the time, I didn’t say anything. I offered no opinion. I offered no comfort. That is something I regret to this day.
And then,thatphoto came out. That person surrounded by our team. Our beloved Pens in the White House.
I cannot tell you how emotional I was over that photograph. A visceral anger. Disbelief. Sheer sadness. I could not fathom how a team that I had poured my soul into could do that. They had a choice. We all had a choice. Something died in me that day. Not my love for my team. But my respect.
It’s not for me to say whether sports and politics should be mixed. It’s not for me to say whether we should or should not support teams, based on what they do and do not speak on. It’s not for me to say that people should not keep supporting the teams they love and fandoms they enjoy being a part of. I actively encourage people to do things and contribute to things that positively impact their well-being.
But as time has gone on, at least for me anyway, it’s cemented my fervent belief that silence is deadly. Not speaking up if you have the platform to do so means human lives will be lost. It is a falsehood to think that one drop in the ocean doesn’t have some kind of impact somewhere. For me, the Penguins had that chance to speak. To say something. And they didn’t take it. Not one of them took it. There have been other things that have happened in hockey that I fundamentally cannot stomach, not least of all the impending law suit bought forward by Daniel Carcillo.
Of course, me saying this doesn’t mean much, right? The world will not shift because of my feelings about this. The Penguins (a team I no longer recognise given that most of the players I adored have been traded) will continue to play as they should. People will continue to support them as they should. Fandom will continue to thrive as it should.
However, as painful as it is for me, hockey is no longer something I can be a part of. This hasn’t been a decision I’ve taken lightly. It does not make me a saint or ‘woke’ either by stepping away. It doesn’t make you a good or bad person supporting any particular sport. It just makes you a person.
In saying this, some of you who are still reading, may have some questions.
To the extraordinarily wonderful people in hockey fandom… This is not good-bye to you. God, I really hope its not good-bye. I love each and every one of you. Each of you is a force for good in the world. Furthermore, I support your choice to engage with and support hockey and to uphold hockey fandom on Tumblr. I will continue to follow each of you because you are the greatest gift of my experience of hockey fandom.
As for my blog, I’m not sure which direction I’ll be going in. I’m certainly going to keep my URL as I’m far too attached to it. I have decided to leave my hockey content for those who still gain joy from it. To delete it would be as if my experience never existed. And that is not right. It happened, for better and for worse. If you wish to unfollow, there are no hard feelings.
Right now, the world is so fraught and uncertain. I wish I had the words to express something hopeful. When you can, choose kindness. Choose to actively uplift someone. Be brave. Now more than ever. Speak up. Speak out. Particularly if you can. Not everyone will agree with you. That’s okay. Go with respect in your heart. Find joy. Find that scrap of happiness and set the world alight with it. Finally, you are valid. Just as you are. You are enough. Just as you are.
Sending all my love,
Book23worm xoxo
