Looking for a unique gift to give? Is your TTRPG character page feeling empty? Are you just wanting an image to exist? Then have I got the solution for you.
In truth, I’m not really sure how to go about writing this. There is so much I need and would like to say. So, please, bear with me as I muddle through this.
I discovered Tumblr in 2012, right around the time of the London Olympics. I discovered tagging and posts and fandoms and fan fiction. But most importantly, I discovered people. People who shared similiar interests and ideas to me. People who were creative and funny and interesting. Tumblr was a space where I could escape into my feels for everything and anything. A space that I didn’t have anywhere else in my life.
Fast forward to 2013 when I lost my job. I decided to pack and leave and go all the way to China. With that, came the end of Tumblr. When I returned to South Africa in 2014 after my year contract was up, I made a sweep of social media. Facebook stayed. Twitter ditched. Tumblr stayed. Instagram… Did not exist at that point. At least not for me.
Coming back to Tumblr felt like home. I reconnected with old friends and fandoms. I discovered new fandoms and with that, lovely new friends. Of course, hockey fandom meant my sleep patterns were disturbed but it was worth it.
Like all fandoms, hockey was not without its share of criticisms or dare I say, drama.
But that sense of community, of belonging drove me. It gave me strength. It gave me hope. For that, I will always be grateful to the tremendous humans in hockey fandom. You are the MVPs. You are the Special Ones. You are the Great Ones.
But I also cannot deny that once again, Tumblr gave me an escape from the real world. An escape that was not altogether healthy. Because, at the time, I didn’t confront the fact that I was so utterly miserable at work or the new city I chose to live in. I kept trying to convince myself it would work. I would fit. I would find a space. I never did.
2016 was a reckoning in that regard. I quit my job and moved back in with my parents. That was possibly the healthiest and unhealthiest thing I could have done. I don’t regret my choice to quit. But I do regret not having an inkling of what I was doing or where I was going next. I do regret not prioritising my mental health, particularly with regard to the complex relationship I have always had and have with my mother.
Tumblr became my go to space. Every day. Every game. Every moment. I was there. I witnessed and blogged. Reblogged. Argued. Made content. Had amazing conversations. The 2016 Olympics and the Pens winning the Stanley Cup in such a close timeframe was mindblowing.
Still, it didn’t take away from me feeling like my own world and the world at large were coming apart at the seams. It started with Donald Trump being elected in November 2016, a grave foreshadowing of what was becoming a trend across the world, the rise of populists. Not to mention how this tidal wave seemed to insert itself everywhere. Into all the cracks and spaces. Fandoms were not left unscathed. Tumblr was not left unscathed.
Amidst all of this, I chose to return to China. I wanted to find a space where I was at peace. Where I could feel like myself again. Where I didn’t have to rely on screen time to feel a sense of joy. Another move to China meant the end of social media.
Technology had advanced tremendously since my first stint in the Middle Kingdom. So I invested in a VPN, a portal to the world beyond the Great Firewall. I wish I could say this helped me feel connected, like I was still a part of things. It didn’t. For the life of me, I couldn’t really tell you why I felt like this.
So, I logged out by choice this time. Out of Facebook. Tumblr. YouTube. All of it. Gone. I walked away, not sure if I had made the right choice or not.
Of course, it’s not true that I didn’t keep up with what was going on. Watching the Pens win the Cup again in 2017 was something magnificent. Watching how ecstatic my fellow Pens fans were was something extraordinary. Logging back in once or twice over that summer in 2017 and marvelling over the festivities gave me the greatest joy.
Then reality came smashing down around my ears. Pens fandom bitterly divided by the impending White House visit. People shouting at each other and over each other. People arguing with each other. People trashing each other. At the time, I didn’t say anything. I offered no opinion. I offered no comfort. That is something I regret to this day.
And then,thatphoto came out. That person surrounded by our team. Our beloved Pens in the White House.
I cannot tell you how emotional I was over that photograph. A visceral anger. Disbelief. Sheer sadness. I could not fathom how a team that I had poured my soul into could do that. They had a choice. We all had a choice. Something died in me that day. Not my love for my team. But my respect.
It’s not for me to say whether sports and politics should be mixed. It’s not for me to say whether we should or should not support teams, based on what they do and do not speak on. It’s not for me to say that people should not keep supporting the teams they love and fandoms they enjoy being a part of. I actively encourage people to do things and contribute to things that positively impact their well-being.
But as time has gone on, at least for me anyway, it’s cemented my fervent belief that silence is deadly. Not speaking up if you have the platform to do so means human lives will be lost. It is a falsehood to think that one drop in the ocean doesn’t have some kind of impact somewhere. For me, the Penguins had that chance to speak. To say something. And they didn’t take it. Not one of them took it. There have been other things that have happened in hockey that I fundamentally cannot stomach, not least of all the impending law suit bought forward by Daniel Carcillo.
Of course, me saying this doesn’t mean much, right? The world will not shift because of my feelings about this. The Penguins (a team I no longer recognise given that most of the players I adored have been traded) will continue to play as they should. People will continue to support them as they should. Fandom will continue to thrive as it should.
However, as painful as it is for me, hockey is no longer something I can be a part of. This hasn’t been a decision I’ve taken lightly. It does not make me a saint or ‘woke’ either by stepping away. It doesn’t make you a good or bad person supporting any particular sport. It just makes you a person.
In saying this, some of you who are still reading, may have some questions.
To the extraordinarily wonderful people in hockey fandom… This is not good-bye to you. God, I really hope its not good-bye. I love each and every one of you. Each of you is a force for good in the world. Furthermore, I support your choice to engage with and support hockey and to uphold hockey fandom on Tumblr. I will continue to follow each of you because you are the greatest gift of my experience of hockey fandom.
As for my blog, I’m not sure which direction I’ll be going in. I’m certainly going to keep my URL as I’m far too attached to it. I have decided to leave my hockey content for those who still gain joy from it. To delete it would be as if my experience never existed. And that is not right. It happened, for better and for worse. If you wish to unfollow, there are no hard feelings.
Right now, the world is so fraught and uncertain. I wish I had the words to express something hopeful. When you can, choose kindness. Choose to actively uplift someone. Be brave. Now more than ever. Speak up. Speak out. Particularly if you can. Not everyone will agree with you. That’s okay. Go with respect in your heart. Find joy. Find that scrap of happiness and set the world alight with it. Finally, you are valid. Just as you are. You are enough. Just as you are.
[image description: two pieces of watercolor art of the thirteenth doctor. the first is from the woman who fell to earth and depicts her torso in twelve’s suit, her hands lying on her stomach, glowing slightly with regeneration energy. the second is from the trailer for the centenary special, of her holding her hands in front of her conserned face, regeneration energy bursting out. end image description.]
Thinking about making a post about being a witch with ADHD and tips for practicing but I don’t even know if anyone still reads my blog so there doesn’t seem like much of a point
why is it not more wellknown that women can have an actual literal disorder that not rarely makes them literally suicidal for up to 10 days every month before their period lmao like… teach this in class? it’s not a joke?
Wait what??
hereherehere (there’s more sites saying the same thing)
it’s called PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and it’s basically PMS but make it Super Hardcore, it’s a hormonal disorder and to my knowledge they’re not exactly sure what causes it - there’s theories tho - but there seems to be little research on it anyway. As I said it’s similar to PMS in terms of symptoms [mood swings, lethargy, cramps, changed sleeping pattern, libido, appetite] but the symptoms get so severe that they are interfering with your daily life and impacting it negatively. Especially in terms of psychological symptoms, while it doesn’t go that far for everyone who has it and also not every month, a lot of the people who experience it are sent into a severe depressive episode beause of it and it’s really not rare at all for them to experience legitimate suicidal thoughts that go away the second they get their period (or up to two days in from what I’ve read).
I’ve read different claims on how many people it affects, some sources say 5%, others 8%, others say 2% so I don’t know about that, but menstruating people need to know this lmao. Not knowing that your suicidality is caused by a literal physical disorder that you have can be so dangerous, especially when you already struggle with such issues anyway or are trying to recover from mental illness and don’t realize that your “relapses” are symptoms of an actual disorder.
also I originally said women but of course this applies to menstruating trans men and nb folks too.
I’ll reblog this every time I see it because YUP
the amount of times me or friends are having a Seriously Bad Time and then a few days later be like “oh, i just got my period, everything makes sense now” and like, let out this huge sigh of releif because it means you’re not relapsing and it will go away soon…
This is about to be a long ass rant so ♀️ this is your warning but I felt this needed to be said.
This is the first time I have heard of PMDD. As a nearly 22 year old female who had to take a health class 7 - yes you read that correctly - 7 times (NYC likes to have health / sex ed in both science and PE classes at least where I went to middle/high school so 2x a year for 7th, 8th and 9th grade (with the PE classes being all female / FOCUSED ON THE FEMALE SIDE OF SEX ED TAUGHT BY FEMALE GYM TEACHERS / SPECIALIZED FEMALE INSTRUCTORS BROUGHT IN WHERE THEIR LITERAL JOB IS TO TEACH SEX ED TO TEENAGE GIRLS!!!) plus once in 10th after moving) I am appalled (but not surprised) by the public education system in the U.S especially considering that the two states - especially NY - where I had to take sex ed were considered “progressive” with their education. I don’t even want to think about what abstienance only states are not teaching ♀️.
There are so many things that I should not have had to learn about my body on my own - and that I am still apparently learning. The U.S education system has failed every single female (or trans male) student that has not been taught about THIS and other COMMON disorders or syndromes that biology tries to fuck us over with. I didn’t know what PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) was until I was 16, almost 17, and my endo diagnosed me. I thought that being in pain while BREATHING while on your period was normal. I thought that bleeding heavily (start to finish) for 10 (sometimes 10+) days was normal. Or having periods where I would sometimes go through 2 or 3 OVERNIGHT pads in as many hours was normal. I knew that not getting my period every month (sometimes not for 3 or 4) was not normal but I was relieved given how horrific my periods always were. It wasn’t until I found out that not shedding your unterine lining monthly increased your risk of cancer (also not taught to me in sex ed but by my endo) that I realized not getting my period was not something to be relieved by.
The fact that this is another fairly common thing that women have that is also not taught as part of sex ed baffles me. What I was taught in sex ed? Some women have longer cycles than others and some experience more pain during their cycles than others do. So I thought that my terrible periods were normal - that it was just something to deal with because it was the way it was. It wasn’t until I was put on birth control to regulate my periods that I started having “normal ones” (still heavy and painful cramping but no where near as hellish as they were before). The fact that I went YEARS of experiencing periods that were so awful that I would go throughout my day trying to move my body as little as possible or not breathe too deeply so I wouldn’t be moving my core muscles at times because I didn’t know that that was something I should be telling my doctors or my mom is not ok. A 12 year old girl should not be telling herself to ‘suck it up’ and finish getting ready because it’s ‘just my period’ and that it’s not an excuse my parents will let me stay home from school from.
And now, at 21, you’re going to tell me that PMDD exsists? That there is a reason my depression seems to exacerbated before my period? Uh, uh. Not cool sex ed, super Not. Cool. I’m sure there’s also a reason I feel downright homicidal during my period as well but I do know why? No, I do not. But I am a reasonable enough person to realize that becoming an irrantional level of irritated by hearing someone else breathing (quietly) is probably not great. Or being annoyed by feeling another human’s presence in the same house - not even the same room - where they are in no way, shape or form trying to interact with me and minding their own goddamn business is, again, not great. Can we please for the love of all that is holy start teaching girls, and boys, about common health issues that can arise (environmentally AND biologically) within their reproductive systems beyond STD/STIs or the consequences of failed contraception??? Jesus Christ ♀️. Thanks for coming to my pissed off Ted Talk.
i just realized it’s been over a year since i updated any of my tma fanfics. like i have chapters upon chapters sitting in a folder waiting to be edited but everything took a left turn as soon as i started getting ready to post them
