#imho this runs deeper than acceptance
Ed thinks that Stede will only love him if he’s the Edward Teach version of himself, the one who folds laundry and is okay with licking king George’s boots. That’s why he says “you were always gonna realize what I am” in the Calico Jack episode. He’s saying “I’m not this soft, vulnerable, happy version of myself that I’m with you, I’m Blackie, I’m Blackbeard, I’m the Kraken”. And he was so afraid of Stede finally realizing that and being horrified and unable to love him anymore, that he leaves first. Only to immediately come back when he realizes Stede is in danger. And in that moment, he gives everything up, he signs everything away. To save Stede he becomes Edward Teach, a version of himself he hadn’t been since he was a child.
Ed is never himself, he doesn’t even know who that is, in fact. He’s a chameleon, he adopts a different personality depending on who he’s with or what he’s trying to pretend to be in that moment. This is made obvious in that scene in which they’re having breakfast and Calico tells that grim tale of Blackbeard burning that ship with everyone trapped inside, screaming. Stede is taken aback because “I thought you’d given up the killing”, because that’s what Ed told him in that vulnerable “that’s why I have no friends” moment in the bathtub. And he tries to justify it “technically the fire killed those guys, not me”. But I’m sure he didn’t try to justify himself to Jack when he did it, because that’s what he expected of him, although it wasn’t what Stede expected.
This scene has such an awkward energy, not just because Stede feels out of place, but because it’s one of those moments in which character A has lied to character B and character C is about to reveal it by accident so character A tries to stop them by saying something like “no, Stede doesn’t wanna hear about that” to make them stop.
Ed hasn’t exactly lied to either of them, but he hasn’t told the truth either.
He has killed people, indirectly, but Stede can’t know that. He hasn’t been able to kill anyone with his own hands since his father, but Jack can’t know that. (Izzy does but that’s another topic).
The thing, then, is. The real Ed is none of these people. You can see glimpses of him in all, because all of them are a part of him, but all of them are masks. He has needed them to survive. Edward couldn’t have survived in Hornigold’s ship, so he became someone else. Blackbeard couldn’t have survived at the pirate academy, so he became someone else.
What I can say for sure is that he has allowed himself to be a bit truer to himself with Stede than with anyone else (in the show). Not fully himself, he was still trying to cover up his murders, trying to be softer and good enough for Stede. But he allowed him to see him crying, because that’s a thing you can do around Stede, yes, but also because he trusted him. With Stede he wasn’t Edward, or Blackbeard, he was Ed. And Ed is the name I think he’ll end up choosing for himself. But, in the end, he was still trying to be a different version of himself, one that Stede could love. One that didn’t have space for the things about Blackbeard and the Kraken that are still very much parts of Ed. All of them have pieces of him, but none of them allows him to just be,they were all carefully curated for other people, not for himself. That’s what needs to change.
Now (you know…… in season 2) Stede needs to prove that he loves him, all of him, every version, everything. I’ve seen people talking about Stede cleaning Ed’s makeup, washing the Kraken away, but that’s not what I think needs to happen. Stede would love the Kraken, because it’s a part of Ed, full stop.
It’s Ed who needs to wash his own face. He needs to learn what parts of himself he needs to let go off, and what parts he likes. And learn to love himself, all of him, every version, even the ones that no longer serve him, but especially the ones that do. I don’t think either of them could have grown as people alone on a ship to China, as much as it pains me to admit. Stede needed to make peace with his old life and say goodbye, and now Ed needs to face the Kraken.
