#irritating

The Douche: The Douche is usually in a very bro-y frat, and wants the world to know it so he wears a LOT of frat tanks. He comes to class with a big water bottle and drinks out of it every 2 seconds so everybody knows he’s hungover. He talks very loudly to his friend about his last hook-up in classy respectful terms such as “I rocked that slut’s world last night” (actual quote, I kid you not) He was the class clown in high school and thinks it’s still funny to make sassy comments in lecture, except honey this is college and nobody cares anymore.

The Time Optimizer: The Time Optimizer does not have time for meals so he just brings them to class. But the Time Optimizer does not relinquish the quality of his meals so he doesn’t eat cliff bars or sandwiches like everybody else. He brings warm, juicy, smelly, meaty dishes in plastic boxes. Their fumes always come and tickle your nose and make you want to puke, especially when it’s before 11 am. (Bonus: chewing noises to let you know he’s eating in case you have a stuffy nose) Other versions include guys doing homework for other classes, applying to jobs, or reading the paper. 

The Investment Banker: The Investment Banker wears a suit to class for no apparent reason. He conscientiously applies the saying “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have,” which I understand, but not when it’s a 500 people lecture at 9am where everyone else is wearing sweatpants. The chances of a Goldman Sachs recruiter coming out of nowhere and asking you for an unscheduled interview are slim, very slim. 

The Why-are-you-here: The Why-are-you-here wears pyjamas to class and looks like he hasn’t used a hairbrush in days. He looks and smells like he just got out of bed and to be honest you’re not sure he even knows he did as he slumps down on a chair and rests his head on his arms to fall back asleep immediately. Why bother? His bed was probably more comfortable than the desk his head is resting on right now. His snoring is distracting you and you spend half the class snapchatting pics of him to your friends.

The Know-It-All: That one’s pretty obvious and has been hated on for decades. He just seems to learn the entire textbook at night and answers all the questions right. Sometimes, he even challenges the professor’s opinions. He ends up being wrong obviously, because the professor has 4 PhD’s, but he looks like he knows what he’s talking about while you’re sitting there understanding one word out of four. 

I hate when you tell someone that you don’t want to talk about it because it’s upsetting and they say “oh, I understand” but then they keep talking about it.