I’m a bit of a slow reader, but I’ve been plugging away at The Fourteenth Year of Chenghua since, like, March, and I’m in the low chapter 80s now, and the slow burn is getting more and more brutal now that Sui Zhou definitely definitelyrecognizes that he is hopelessly in love and Tang Fan is still a clueless dumbass solidly in “I always feel so happy when Sui Zhou is around I wonder what’s up with that” and it’s killing me.
(eta: Okay, I’m going to pretend this was intentionallywritten as a fill for today’s May Trope Mayhem, which is The Grumpy One is Soft for the Sunshine one. I…didn’t actually plan it to be that…but then it go long and fuck it, might as well make it count…) @duckprintspress
So I was just thinking, like…
Tang Fan has been working a case, and he was in danger, and Sui Zhou has justheard that Tang Fan needs rescuing…when Tang Fan walks in the front door of Sui Zhou’s house. The panic instantly switches to relief, then to annoyance when Tang Fan looks at Sui Zhou like he cannot fathomwhy Sui Zhou was freaking out.
“It’s no big deal,” Tang Fan laughs it off. “I’m totally fine! You’re over reacting.”
“I am NOT,” Sui Zhou replies, the mess of emotions making is voice loud as he slams a hand against the door behind Tang Fan, trapping Tang Fan in place. (kabedon!) “Ido not over-react. Youunder-react. I know you, Runqing. I know you wouldn’t tell me even if you’d been in mortal danger. Tell me, truly, how serious was it?”
And Tang Fan opens his mouth to answer with a light-hearted jibe only to find he can do nothing but swallow the words, because Sui Zhou is staring at him so intensely, his eyes so bright and dark and gorgeous, his expression so fixed and serious. His heart starts racing worse than it had when he (definitely hadn’t been!) in peril, and he can’t imagine why.
“I can’t…” Sui Zhou catches his lip between his teeth, manages a slow blink in a clear effort to calm himself down, takes a deep breath, and continues, “Just promise me that next time, you’ll ask for help if you need it.”
“I always ask for help when I thinkI need it,” lies Tang Fan blithely. Why does Sui Zhou care so much, anyway? Why do I like that he cares so much? “But it’s not like I can predict ahead of time when things will go sideways. Not that anything went sideways this time! Really, it’s no big deal. You know the job I do, just like I know the job you do. Danger’s part of the deal. You don’t need to–”
“You don’t need to go looking for it,” interrupts Sui Zhou. He knows he sounds harsher than he wants to. He knows he’s acting inappropriately. He’s still got Tang Fan pinned against the door, still has their faces barely a hand’s width apart, still can feel his heart in his throat, still wants…still needs…he tries another slow blink, but it gets him absolutely fucking no where. There’s such a cacophony of wordsin his head, Don’t you understand, Runqing? I need you. I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t - I can’t - I can’t– but there was no speaking a one of them aloud. Tang Fan doesn’t look at him that way. Sui Zhou knows that. He does. And–
“Why do you care so much?” whispers Tang Fan, and Sui Zhou’s blood goes to ice. One touch, one word, even the faintest quirk of a smile on Tang Fan’s achingly kissable lips, and Sui Zhou is going to shatter.
How can he possibleanswer that question?
Andwhyis Sui Zhou choosing nowto be silent? Tang Fan cycles rapidly through potential reactions - should he laugh it off? Brush Sui Zhou’s arm aside (as if he coulddo that, unless Sui Zhou lets him, and oh, thinking about how strong that arm just over his shoulder truly is shouldn’t be so tempting)? Duck and run away? Open the door so they both tumble into the street beyond and return to his own home next door? Call for Dong-er?
Yet, to his amazement, before Tang Fan can finish planning and implementing an escape plan. Sui Zhou actually speaks.
“How…” Hoarse with emotion, Sui Zhou pauses, licks his lips - which is far, farmore distracting than Tang Fan would ever have imagined - then continues. “…how do you not know, Runqing?”
Every instinct demands Tang Fan act like this is somehow a joke. He knows it’s not - he knows Sui Zhou better than he knows anyone, better than he knows himself sometimes he thinks, and there is absolutely no way Sui Zhou would joke about something like this. Tang Fan wantsto know, but what if it’s not the answer he hopes for? (What answer does he hope for?) Tang Fan wants to guess, but what if he guesses wrong? (What would he guess, if he had to?) Tang Fan yearns,craves Sui Zhou’s presence, but most days even he’snot sure what that means, how is he supposed to know what that means? (No matter what Guangchuan says next, will Tang Fan even know how to answer it?)
He desperately prays that Sui Zhou will continue before Tang Fan has to formulate an answer…
…but Sui Zhou holds silent, trembling, battling inner demons as fiercely as he’s ever fought a cult member or foe. He must not, cannot, tell Tang Fan the truth. He’s already said more than he should have. He should move his arm, walk away, but every muscle feels locked, this brief moment stretching to an eternity. He can see no exit from this situation, not positive outcome. Whatever he says or doesn’t say, won’t Tang Fan be upset with him? Wouldn’t Sui Zhou be upset with Tang Fan, if their situations were reversed?
Fuck. No. Never. If somehow they swapped places, if somehow Tang Fan were on the verge of confessing the emotions Sui Zhou knows himself to cherish toward Tang Fan, knows Tang Fan to have no inkling of toward Sui Zhou…wouldn’t Sui Zhou give anything to hear Tang Fan say those words?
What if he’s waiting for me, right now, hoping I’ll speak?
“Guangchuang–”
“Runqing–”
“Oh, you first!”
“No - no, you continue.”
“Guangchuang…please…just talk to me.”
After this moment, they will never be able to go back to how they were before this.
Steeling himself as though about to face a line of dauntless enemies with their swords all drawn, Sui Zhou leans forward and breaths in Tang Fan’s ear, “I need you, Tang Fan.”
The words ruffle, hot and breezy, through Tang Fan’s hair. He has no idea what they mean. Sui Zhou is so close that Tang Fan can feel him trembling, feel his tension, feel his fear. Analyses like mathematical computations race through Tang Fan’s head - things he can say, ways Sui Zhou could react, hypothetical simulations of what might happen next, permutation upon permutation playing out over and over until Tang Fan is lost. He still has no idea what to say. For once in his whole damn life, he is speechless. But, he does know one thing with utmost certainty:
If Sui Zhou walks away - if Sui Zhou leaves him - he will break, crumble to his knees, sob his life away on the spot.
He doesn’t know what that means, what that emotion equals.
I need you, TangFan.
Hedoesknow what that means, what that emotion equals.
“I need you, too, Sui Zhou,” he whispers. A distressed, shuddery sound leaks from Sui Zhou; he shifts back, his warmth and musky, armory scent fading, and Tang Fan semi-unconsciously, semi-intentionally follows him, leaning forward, chasing him –
And then Sui Zhou crashes back into Tang Fan’s space, crashes their mouths together, rough lips brushing on soft ones, the arm that had him trapped against the door now curling around his shoulders, roughly pulling him close, disheveling his robes, tangling in his hair.
“Guangchuan,” and Tang Fan intendsto exclaim the name in shock, but Sui Zhou is too close, and Tang Fan’s body is too hot, and his thoughts are too muddled, and the word comes out as a groan dragged long and slow and sultry against Sui Zhou’s lips.
“Runqing,” Sui Zhou replies fervently, like a prayer, like a blessing. Tang Fan’s sweet taste lingers on his mouth and Sui Zhou craves more - he leans in to brush their lips together again, and again, sucking gently at Tang Fan’s lower lip as he draws away than dives in again to seize another kiss, another. I should stop. This is too much. He’s still trapped. I mustn’t–
And Tang Fan lifts an arm to encircle Sui Zhou’s neck, raises his other hand to cup Sui Zhou’s cheek and tug him into another kiss as if he senses the hesitation about to lead Sui Zhou to draw away, and arches his body to match the curve of Sui Zhou leaning over him.
“Oh…” breathes Sui Zhou. Oh, this is perfect…this is everything I’ve ever wanted…Tang Fan…my incredible, beloved Tong Fan… The words will never come, so Sui Zhou tries to explain them with his body language - with every whisper of lips on lips, with every caress of hand over lithe, robed body, with every press of hips and chests and thighs, with every reverent exhale and urgent inhale.
In Sui Zhou’s embrace, with their mouths joined, with their growing arousal impossible to conceal, Tang Fan’s mind has gone perfectly, wonderfully silent, one single truth singing in his head.
He finally, finallyhas figured out what the morass of conflicting feelings he’s experienced mean. They never were conflicting. They simply sang in a harmony Tang Fan had never heard before, one that was missing several instruments. Now that Sui Zhou is so close, now that they’re touching, sharing, feeling in tandem, the melody is complete and the meaning is so clear that Tang Fan can’t believehe didn’t realize it sooner. He’d always thought himself so perspicacious, yet somehow he never realized…
“I love you, Guangchuan.”
…what a full he’d been.
“Runqing,” says Sui Zhou reverently, trying to get closer, trying to hold him more closely, trying to make it clear to Tang Fan how cherished he is, to demonstrate exactly, precisely why he cares so much when Tang Fan stumbles into danger. “Runqing, Runqing, Runqing, Run–”
“Hey!” Dong-er’s voice, sharp and familiar, interrupts. They jump apart like they’ve been burned, Sui Zhou leaping a stride away, Tang Fan colliding with the door. “Are you two done yet? Cause I’m not gonna just cook this whole meal alone, you know!”
“Right, right,” mumbles Sui Zhou, adjusting certain…betraying…parts of his anatomy to be more concealed. Robes. Very good clothing items, Robes.
“Does that mean you expect meto cook?” Tang Fan asks with an air of innocence.
“No!” they both snap at him.
And, to the beautiful sound of Tang Fan’s laughter - to the gorgeous chorus of Sui Zhou and Tang Fan laughing together, of Dong-er acting like she’s seen precisely nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary, to the crackle of the fire and sizzle of meat in the pan - they walk toward the kitchen together.
No matter what happens after this - always, always together.
…
oops this got long. *sweat drop*
Anyway, yeah, that’s what I’m thinking about today.
