Today I’m thinking about…

…I skipped yesterday cause I was still thinking about the same 4 seconds of Hualian A/B/O on infinite loop but I had some insomnia last night and had a new nugget.

Rating: Mature

Modern AU. Liushen. Mentions of Bingliushen. Warnings for misgendering, mildly dubious consent due to alcohol, internalized homophobia, and “Liu Qingge is too tsundere for his own good.”

WAIT I JUST REALIZED: Call this one May Trope Mayhem day 8: In Vino Veritas!

*

Liu Qingge is straight. Very, very straight. Absolutely the straightest. And if occasionally he thinks of a dude when he’s…doing stuff…let’s just normal. Lots of dudes do that. Think about other dudes, right? Still the straightest. After all, he has never dateda man…he never woulddate a man…

You get the idea.

Anyway!

A friend from the office invites him to a Halloween party and he thinks - why not? It’s something to do, and someone else is paying for the booze, and maybe he can find a one-to-five-night stand. (Okay, if he’s honest with himself, he thinks he’ll hate it, but he knows he’s supposedto like to do things like go to parties and get smashed, and again, at least this time someone else will be paying.) He dresses up as a lacrosse player, because…he actually is a lacrosse player…so everything is already in his closet…and heads over at a fashionably late hour entirely on purpose even though it grates on him not to be punctual.

The night instantly gets infinitely better, though, when he meets a nice girl not long after arriving. She’s…she’s pretty great? Funny, with the sleekest long black hair, and Liu Qingge didn’t know they made “sexy cucumber” Halloween costumes but he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. She laughs at his jokes, too, and he knows he can be pretty dense but even he can’t miss the eyes she makes at him.

They end up going to a hotel together (she’s clearly reticent to go to his place, doesn’t want to go to hers cause - Liu Qingge guesses - that’d mean getting her address - and fuck it, Liu Qingge is on the far side of tipsy and she’s hot as fuck and he can absolutely afford a splurge to get his rocks off with the gorgeous party chick who actually seems interested in him - not that it’s rare for him to meet women who are dtf, but it IS rare for him to meet women who seem maybe interested in MORE than that? But she does appear to be.

It’s not until they’ve been making out for at least ten minutes in the swank room he’s gotten them that he makes the discovery that “sexy cucumber” has aptly chosen her…his???…their…costume, when his burgeoning erection bonks into…Cucumber’s burgeoning erection.

And, if he were a smidge less drunk, or the night had been a smidge shittier, or Cucumber was a smidge less enticing, or, or, or…well, he MIGHT have called it right then. Had a huge freak out. Probably made an ass of himself.

But instead, he thinks - oh, fuck it…he’s fantasized about being with a dude how many times?? And he’s found a dude he wants, and who appears to want him, and it’s a one night stand, and they’re both drunk enough that the consent is probably dubious except that it’s so obviously not (anyway, they were definitely flirting long before either was even slightly gone) and she’s…he’s…(would it be weird to ask pronouns right now? it’d be weird, right???)…Cucumber’s got their hands on Liu Qingge’s cock and the body beneath that ridiculous costume is absolute perfection and Liu Qingge is, in fact, extremely dtf.

Even more amazingly, when he wakes up the next morning, a buck-ass naked dude sharing a bed with another buck-ass naked dude, he doesn’tfreak the fuck out.

(At least not immediately).

It helps that said dude - Shen Yuan, he says his name is, surprisingly shyly? - is easily the embodiment of every wet dream Liu Qingge has (DEFINITELY NEVER) ever had. He’s a little short - well, at least compared to Liu Qingge - and he’s slim, just muscled enough to look toned, just soft enough that Liu Qingge is positive he could man-handle him (literally, figuratively, in whatever way Shen Yuan will allow, though only by consent!). No, so far from panicking, Liu Qingge instead is extremelyglad that Halloween was on a Friday night.

“So, um, do you want me to go?” asks Shen Yuan, as if he (yes, it’s he/him, Liu Qingge has checked now) expects the answer to be “yes,” as if he’s so used to the answer being “yes” that he’s already tensing to roll out of bed and pull back on his cucumber costume and do a walk of shame back to wherever he lives.

The urge to answer by rolling over and atop Shen Yuan, shimmying between his legs, slipping a tongue between his lovely lips and a cock between his lovely ass cheeks, is intense, but Liu Qingge is sober now, and sober!Liu Qingge is boring as fuck and also keenly aware that while he wantsto assume that Shen Yuan’s tone is plaintive and hopeful, it might actuallybe “desperate for escape,” so instead he answers,

“If that’s your preference, absolutely,” he says with all the sincerity he can muster. Shen Yuan’s expression falls and he starts to rise. Liu Qingge resists the urge to grab his hand, but does add, “but I’d far prefer you stay. The room is ours until 11…”

With a dazzling smile that has Liu Qingge even more smitten than he already was, Shen Yuan flops back onto the bed, and Liu Qingge has the perfect opportunity to enact his first “answer.” Shen Yuan is hot, eager, opening his arms and legs and mouth and hole like he can’t imagine anything he wants more.

But, self, I’m fucking a dude!

Yeah, dumbass, and it’s fucking amazing. Amazing fucking? Fucking fucking. Whatever. It’s good, isn’t it?

He can’t disagree with himself there.

They spend the whole morning fucking.

At noon, the hotel concierge calls up to demand they vacate.

Instead, after a quick “conversation” with Shen Yuan communicated entirely with facial expressions, Liu Qingge re-books the room for the next night, even paying the premium for doing so at such a late point.

They spend the whole afternoon fucking, too, with only a brief break to get food.

The whole evening, too, aside from dinner and a shared shower that ends in blow jobs.

Liu Qingge has never come this many times in a 24 hour period.

Shen Yuan admits, voice blurry with exhaustion, lips swollen from kisses, ass dripping with Liu Qingge’s come, that he never has, either, but he’s definitely interested in seeing if maybe they can break this record the next day.

Liu Qingge is about 80% sure he falls asleep with Shen Yuan still riding him, though they’re both so exhausted he can’t even say for sure. Maybe he just dozes off and segues immediately into a wet dream that still features Shen Yuan?

Maybe this has all been a dream…

…but no, he wakes up the next morning, and Shen Yuan is still there, still asleep, still beautiful, still very much a dude…

…andnowLiu Qingge freaks out.

He at least has the grace to do so quietly?

And he pays for the room, leaves the tip for housekeeping, even makes sure that breakfast is waiting, hot and delicious looking, for Shen Yuan, but he can’t bring himself to stay. His entire chest is tight, his mind repeating an endless litany of I fucked a dude - I’m straight - maybe I’m not straight? - no, I’m straight, I have to be straight - fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck–

He hates feeling like he’s running away.

He’s absolutely running away.

And that would have been that, if not for three things:

1. He cannot, cannot, stop thinking about Shen Yuan. He’s got eyes for no one else. He masturbates remembering how it felt to thrust into that spectacular body while stroking that hard cock and kissing those rough lips. He compares literally every potential sexual partner to Shen Yuan and finds them wanting. Even worse…he misses Shen Yuan - which is fucking insane, they hardly knew each other! Yet somehow, anyway, he misses talking with him (then fucking him), laughing with him (while fucking him), eating a meal with him (after fucking him)…okay, yeah, he’s got it kinda bad. And it’s a shock, because he’s neverfelt this way with a woman. No-strings-attached sex has always been easier - the only kind of sex he found appealing. But apparently, that’s not what he wants now. He wants Shen Yuan. But that’s impossible, because Liu Qingge has fucked everything up.
2. Somehow his sister finds out? And she gives him one hellof a talking to, “as if anyone who has ever metyou think’s you’re straight!” and it’s enough to leave him deeplyashamed, questioning everything he thought he knew about himself. As if he wasn’t alreadyquestioning everything he thought he knew about himself.
3. And somehow some rando finds out? And shows up at Liu Qingge’s apartment? And says his name is Luo Binghe?? And that he’s there to kick Liu Qingge’s ass??? Because Liu Qingge made Shen Yuan cry???? And it’s not like Liu Qingge will back down from a challenge. He’s a badass and he knows it. Which makes it all the more shocking when Luo Binghe does, in fact, kick Liu Qingge’s ass.

Ow.

And Shen Yuan cried over Liu Qingge?

Double ow.

And Liu Qingge has cried over Shen Yuan?

No, he hasn’t, he definitely hasn’t, he never would, he’d never…

…anyway, getting his teeth kicked in actually ends up vaguely weirdly helping, because Liu Qingge ends up laid up in bed for two days after he loses to Luo Binghe, and during those two days he has nothing to do but watch shitty daytime TV and think.

And no matter how hard he tries not to, he thinks about Shen Yuan.

And by the time he can move without wanting to cry again (because of the pain, for no other reason, okay?) he’s ready to eat humble pie enough to go ask his sister how the fuckshe found out about any of this.

Liu Mingyan, for her part, looks at him like he’s spontaneously become a moron.

(As if she hasn’t known he was a moron all along.)

“The party…was at Shang Qinghua’s house?”

Yes, Liu Qingge was well aware, Shang Qinghua was the branch manager at his office, and yeah it was weird for the manager to invite him to a Halloween party more appropriate to a fraternity, but whatever. “And…?”

“And Shen Yuan is like…his best frenemy?”

“What the fuck is a ‘frenemy’?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” she scoffs. “I know you watch chick flicks when you think no one is looking.”

“I do not!” He so does.

“AndShen Yuan is Shang Qinghua’s drag daughter?”

“What does thatmean?” This time, he actually doesn’t know.

She doesn’t tell him anyway.

But she does roll her eyes, heave a long-suffering sigh, pull out her phone, frantically type something, and stare him down for the few endless-feeling seconds between when she puts the phone back in her pocket and Liu Qingge’s phone pingsin his own.

He takes it out, answering her eye roll with one of his his own, and reads her text.

3142 Halloway Ave., 8 PM Friday night.

Liu Qingge has no idea what that’s supposed to mean or what it has to do with anything.

(Maybe it’s Shen Yuan’s address?)

Nevertheless, he will be there come hell or high water.

(He hopes it’s Shen Yuan’s address.)

It’s not Shen Yuan’s address.

It is, in fact, a bar…a very, very gay bar/gastropub called “The Bear & Stag” flying a trans-and-rainbow pride flag out front. A flier outside when Liu Qingge shows up at 5-of (punctual, damn it!) promises a drag show to start at 8, tickets $20.

Drag show.

Drag daughter? Has something to do with dressing in drag, maybe?

That…must mean something…though fuck if Liu Qingge knows what…but he pays the cover, orders a wheat beer (he wants to be sober for whatever the fuck is going on), hunkers down by the bar, and waits the few minutes for the show to start.

Shock 1: the person who opens the show, clearly acting as Emcee and naming themself “Airplane Shooting Toward the Sky” is definitelyShang Qinghua in really fucking impressive Pan-am-flight-attendant-circa-1985 drag.

Shock 2: Luo Binghe is the bouncer, and is glaring murder at Liu Qingge from the other end of the bar.

Shock 3: that cucumber costume wasn’t just a Halloween costume; Shen Yuan comes out as the announcer, about a half-hour into the show, shouts, “Next up - Peerless Cucumberrrrrrrr!” and the crowd goes nuts and Shen Yuan gives them all a saucy wink and goes into a pole dance that has Liu Qingge on the verge of coming in his pants.

Oh.

Ohfuck.

Liu Qingge is definitely, definitelynot straight.

(Spoilers, Liu Qingge is actually bisexual/homoromantic, though it’s gonna take him a longtime to work that out.)

It’s a small blessing, he supposes, that Shen Yuan doesn’t spot him.

Shock 4: during intermission, Shang Qinghua approaches him, mutters, “make this right or I’m firing you,” and slinks off shooting winning smiles to all the fans in the audience who ask for autographs, utterly innocent and irreproachable like he hasn’t just engaged in flagrant blackmail.

Shock 5: when Liu Qingge tries to get backstage to offer some fucking apologies like a fucking grown up, Luo Binghe blocks him with a wordless growl, arms as thick as Liu Qingge’s thighs crossed over his chest.

Stuck between a goddamn rock and a fucking hard place.

The image that conjures in Liu Qingge’s mind has absolutely nothing to do with geology and absolutely everything to do with “Luo Binghe = rock,” “Shen Yuan = hard place,” “Liu Qingge = sandwich filling,” and that sounds like about the hottest fucking thing he’s ever imagined and wait how did he everthink he was straight?

(He always knew he wasn’t straight but fuck did he desperately want to be.)

(Looking back on it now, he can’t remember whyhe wanted to be.)

Regardless…he’s so fired.

At least, so he thinks, but he’s determined to drink his sorrows away, and proceeds to try to do so as quickly as he can. Maybe if he downs enough gin-and-tonics he can drown? No, probably not, but he can probably fuck his liver up something fierce and that’s a nice option two given how much of a masochistic fuck up he is.

All of which is to say, he’s three sheets to the wind and feeling extremelysorry for himself when, sometime after midnight, Peerless Cucumber his/herself comes out and takes the stool beside him at the bar.

“You’re a real asshole,” announces Shen Yuan, with all the cocky attitude he showed during the party, all the confidence that vanished once he was naked and exposed and lying at Liu Qingge’s side and a tear definitely does not fall down Liu Qingge’s face as he remembers vividly how nicely it felt to wake up with Shen Yuan beside him.

“Yup,” Liu Qingge agrees with a forlorn hiccup.

“What are you doing here?”

My sister made me, he almost says. My boss threatened me, he almost says. I just felt like it, didn’t even know you’d be here, he almost says. But, no, he’s too drunk and lonely and sad for those lies - even the true lies. Yeah, maybe his sister made him, maybe Shang Qinghua blackmailed him, but really they needn’t have bothered. Liu Qingge had only needed one piece of information to induce him to come to The Bear & Stag, and that is…

“I came to see you,” mumbles Liu Qingge, and it’s a good thing Shen Yuan isn’tsmashed, because otherwise given the intensity with which Liu Qingge makes that confession to…the surface of the ice cubes in his current tumbler…Shen Yuan mighthave been confused.

“Well, I’m here.” Fortunately, Shen Yuan is notconfused.

“Shouldn’t be,” grumbles Luo Binghe, walking by with apparently casually timing far too perfect to actually be an accident.

“Fuck you,” counters Shen Yuan without any heat.

“Why?” Liu Qingge forces himself to look at Shen Yuan; he’s changed out of the cucumber dress and is instead wearing a sun dress, the curvy lines of it presumably the result of padding beneath the clothing, and he’s so gorgeous Liu Qingge wants to kiss him senseless then drag him to bed.

“Why am I here?” Shen Yuan shrugs. “Where else would I be?” Liu Qingge stares at him incredulously. Shen Yuan shrugs again.

“Literally…anywhere?” mutters Liu Qingge. “Luo Binghe seems interested.”

“Naw, he’s just a big ol’ bear,” says Shen Yuan breezily. “In several senses of the word.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Liu Qingge wishes he didn’t sound so miserable. But, he sounds utterly miserable. (He isutterly miserable.) And he realizes - it doesn’t matter what it means. He doesn’t even care anymore. All he cares about is…is…is…look, he knows, but he can’t even bring himself to thinkit, much less say it, and fuck his life. Anger spikes suddenly through his melancholy, incinerating it, and suddenly sitting up straight, he snaps, “Look, I’m sorry, I’m a fuck up, I get it, but do you want to fuck again?”

There.

THAT he can say.

Good.

Except maybe not so good, because Shen Yuan just blinks at him once, twice, three times, then says slowly, “So you can have a Big Gay Panic and ditch me again?”

Oh.

Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

But–

“No,” Liu Qingge says and shakes his head, and oops, that was a mistake - the whole room swims, Shen Yuan blurring into a rainbow blob of the colors from his dress. “No, fuck it, I’m not gay, but I’m definitely something, guys are hot - you’re hot - and I fucking screwed up and I get that and I already said I’m sorry what the fuck else do you want from me?”

There’s another long pause.

Or maybe it’s only a moment, Liu Qingge doesn’t even know anymore, he’s way too fucking drunk for this.

Shen Yuan half-shrugs - why a dude shrug so much, what’s up with that? Maybe Liu Qingge should ask - and says, “I don’t know, maybe about 8 inches? Or was it 9?”

Liu Qingge swallows hard. “I’ve never measured,” he flat-out lies, suddenly hoarse. (It’s just under 8. Not that he’s going to say that. Anyway, it’s the girth that counts.) “So, we doing this?”

“No,” replies Shen Yuan. Confusion sweeps away other emotions. Man, being drunk and trying to have a serious conversation sucks. “Not tonight.”

“But…” Now he’s whining, god, doing any of this was about the worst decision Liu Qingge has ever made. (Wait, no, fuck that, if “any of this” includes Shen Yuan…doing Shen Yuan was absolutely nota bad decision. Only everything sincethen, yeah, Liu Qingge demands–) “Do over.”

“Huh?”

“I want a do over.”

“And you’ll get one,” says Shen Yuan brightly. Okay, no, it’s not the alcohol, Shen Yuan is just that fucking confusing. “But first, you’re going to sober up, and then we’re going to talk - actually talk - about what you want–”

“You.”

“Sweet, but unspecific, and that’s my point. I thought you wanted me then–”

“I did!”

“–but then you left–”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“–and now you’re here again–”

“And apologizing, don’t forget the apologizing!”

“–and if you’re gonna sober up and go all 'I’m straight’ again…I do notwant a do over of that. Once was plenty.”

“I won’t,” Liu Qingge says with all the sincerity he can muster, which turns out not to be very much. Mostly he just sounds like a blubbery drunk, and now his eyes are notswimming with tears, it’s just the booze. Just drunken blurry vision, nothing else! “Seriously, Shen Yuan. I fucking won’t. I’ve regretted it every day since. I just…want you back…”

“In your bed?”

“In my bed, on my arm, in my shower, at my dinner table, on a date night, at a movie…”

“Just to be clear…you don’t mean those are all places you’d fuck me?”

Liu Qingge almost shakes his head again, then stops short. Won’t make thatmistake again. Anyway, it’s not true…not exactly… “I mean…I would…” he mutters consideringly. Shen Yuan laughs. Oh, that’s the sound Liu Qingge has missed. “But, uh, deep-dicking optional? I just want someone to see a movie with.”

“Someone? Anyone?”

Shen Yuan mightbe teasing him. But…well, fuck it, Liu Qingge has already said more embarrassing touchy feely shit tonight than he’s said basically his entire fucking life before this and yeah he’s drunk so Shen Yuan might not take him seriously but from Liu Qingge’s internal point of view…he knows himself well enough to know he’s only talking at all because he’s smashed. Anything he doesn’t say now sure isn’t gonna get said once he’s sober, so better to air it all out. Hopefully, afterwards, they can get to the fun part (fucking, ideally) without having to do anymore of the unfun part (wording, ugh).

“You,” he says, clearly and bluntly. Shen Yuan breaks into a stunning smile. “I want you, Shen Yuan. I fucked up. I get that. But I won’t again. Will you…uh…” He swallows. He can do this. He can! “…be my boyfriend?”

“Can I take anything drunk!you says seriously?”

“Here–” And idea strikes Liu Qingge like a lightning bolt. Scrambling at his jean’s pocket, he tries to get his phone for a solid 8 seconds before he remembers he put it in his jacket. Finally taking it out, he passes it to Shen Yuan, who blinks uncertainly at him. “Enter your phone number for a text.” Shen Yuan taps at the screen then hands the phone back. Taking it, Liu Qingge types out Shen Yuan, Peerless Cucumber, will you be my boyfriend? and hits send.

Shen Yuan takes out his cell phone, sees the text, and shoots Liu Qingge a “what the fuck?” look.

“Don’t answer,” Liu Qingge explains eagerly. This is an awesomeidea. All the words when he can say them, all the resolution post-alcohol-haze when it’s needed! “Wait 'til I sober up tomorrow–”

“With how much you’ve drunk, you really think tomorrow’s gonna do it?”

“–wait til I sober up Sunday morning…uh…make that afternoon…then text me back. With a 'yes’ I hope, but you can go with 'go fuck yourself’ if you really want, it’s about what I deserve. And then - see how I react then. If I’m a homophobic jackass again, you never have to see me again. But if I’m not…”

When Shen Yuan opens his mouth to (Liu Qingge assumes) complete that thought, Liu Qingge expects him to say, “…then I’ll know.” That’s how Liu Qingge ended the sentence in his own head. Thus, he’s completely unprepared for Shen Yuan to say, “Then I’ll have a boyfriend!” with wonderfully enthusiasm.

Liu Qingge’s throat goes dry.

Liu Qingge’s dick tries, woefully, to get hard despite all the alcohol thinning his blood.

Liu Qingge’s brain switches to RED ALERT - PANIC mode.

He ignores it.

Because as fucking terrifying as that is…he wants it. He wants it, wants Shen Yuan, so badly.

“Yeah,” he manages to say. It feels more real, more safe, more right, once it’s out, aloud, in the world. “Yeah,” he repeats more confidently. “Then you’ll have…me.”

“Worst consolation prize ever,” grumbles Luo Binghe from fuck-knows-where.

“Shut up,” Shen Yuan replies brightly, then returns his focus to Liu Qingge. “I’ll have exactly what I want. Just - don’t fuck it up again,” he adds, waggling a finger way too close to Liu Qingge’s face. (Too close because all Liu Qingge wants to do his suck on it, and fuck, he is sointo men, why did he neverlet himself do this before?)

“I won’t. I really, really won’t.”

He definitely won’t.

Finally,finally, Liu Qingge knows what - knows who - he wants, and he’s never gonna fuck up again.

(Well…he’s gotta call bullshit on himself…but he’s never gonna fuck up this bad again…)

“Perfect,” says Shen Yuan.

“Yeah, you are.”

Shen Yuan lights up like the goddamn sun, without the accompanying eye-sear, which. Fuck yeah, awesome, magnificent, splendid, some other adjectives he can’t think of, absolutely ideal.

Oh yeah - Liu Qingge’s got this in the bag.

…oops this got so stupidly long. *sweat drop*

Today I’m Thinking About…

…an A/B/O, canon divergent version Tian Guan Ci Fu, where child (pre-presentation) Hong Hong'er is rescued by alpha God Please Crown Prince Xie Lian and immediately imprints, like, “This one. This one is mine.” He figures that means he must be an omega, and that’s fine - common-folk don’t usually care about presentation types when they find mates, it’s only upper-class types who get all hung up on “alphas! must be!! with omegas!!!” but surely he wouldn’t feel so strongly for an alpha if he wasn’t going to be an omega…

…which means it sure is a surprise when he presents as an alpha…

…anyway I was so tired last night that I didn’t get much farther than that but I know that (lemon text incoming!!)

(seriously so lemon fresh)

(the lemoniest)

(okay no not really there’s way more lemon stuff out there)

…but I know that this ends with barely legal twink Hua Cheng who is hung like a fucking horse riding Xie Lian’s knot while Xie Lian massages his knot until Hua Cheng is so hot and desperate he could cry, but he still has to wait to come until Xie Lian’s knot has gone down and Xie Lian has taken his fill and then, and only then, can he fuck and knot his dianxia.

Today I’m Thinking About…

…well, it started as me thinking about Yanshen first kisses, but then I got distracted by, ahem, more explicit Yanshen.

Like…

(actually, wait - I can already tell I’m about to Really Write This, and so we’re calling this another May Trope Mayhem fill - Day 11, There’s Only One Bed!!)

Fandom: Thousand Autumns

Ship: Yan Wushi/Shen Qiao

Rating: EXPLICIT!

Tags: Canon divergent, mildly dubious consent, Yan Wushi is always an unreliable narrator

(read more)

Yan Wushi and Shen Qiao have, inadvertently, taken a tumble into a river together. No harm done - they can both handle that kind of thing - but they doget soaked to the skin, and it’s late, so definitely too cold for them to linger in wet things. They’re too far from civilization to find someplace warm to stay, and it’s too important for them to pass through this area in secret (for Reasons, okay?) for them to risk using their spiritual energies in the name of something so meaningless as comfort. So instead, they strip, access whose clothing and undergarments are the least wet, and go from there.

From the moment their clothes come off, Yan Wushi is surprised by how…distracted…he is? Like, he’s been around Shen Qiao for years now, in all states of consciousness, injured and hale, and Shen Qiao has always been beautiful. Everyone comments on it (at least until Yan Wushi glares death incarnate at them and they stop). Now, though, with no one else around, and no one to voice their appreciation, it’s loud in his mind that Shen Qiao is gorgeous. Yan Wushi can, and always has been able to, have whoever he wants, and he’s self-aware enough to know he’s wanted Shen Qiao for a while, but this is different. Mostly, he thinks, because he’d long believed he hadShen Qiao in the only way he wantedShen Qiao - had his attention, his devotion, his companionship, had him thoroughly and completely duped into the belief that Yan Wushi was a person worthy of Shen Qiao’s attention. It was enough that Shen Qiao somehow didn’t recognize Yan Wushi for the villain he was, enough that his rival walked at his side.

Except, now, it isn’t enough, because, nude and pale from the chill air, Shen Qiao is spectacular, mesmerizing, and unashamed. His lithe body is lean, his limbs powerful, his movements fluid, his steps confident, and it’s all Yan Wushi can do not to stare. It’s especially frustrating because Shen Qiao seems in no way similarly distracted. Yan Wushi knows himself impressive - broad shouldered, muscular, scars in all the sexiest places, hung like fuck - but Shen Qiao hardly even looks at him, instead occupying himself with laying out sopping clothing to dry and arranging what’s passable into the semblance of a bed.

One bed.

Because there are only two dry layers - not enough to clothe themselves, not enough to lay out two places to sleep.

“It’s not ideal,” Shen Qiao says apologetically, “but we can make it work!” And he lies down on the thin layer he’s placed to shield them from the ground, and draws the driest robe over himself.

For a single wild, serious moment, Yan Wushi seriously considers finding someplace else to sleep. Maybe on the rocks mid-stream. The cold water will at least keep him from betraying the temptation he feels.

(And why is he worried about betraying that temptation? He could just take what he wants, right? What doeshe want? He doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about Shen Qiao, except–)_

–except that Shen Qiao is shivering, small sounds leaking from him apparently involuntarily, and Yan Wushi heaves a frustrated sigh. He can’t just let Shen Qiao lie there and freeze to death. He’s put in too much effort too many times to protect him. So, glowering, he stalks across the clearing where they’ve set up their meager camp, pulls the blanket off Shen Qiao only enough to lie at his side, and draws the covers back over them both.

He lies on his back.

He stares up at the stars.

He wishes a fire wouldn’t give away their position, but all the wood here is wet, and smoke will be fatal to their attempts at stealth.

He can feel Shen Qiao’s heat radiating beside him, feel him shivering, even hear his teeth chattering.

He still doesn’t know precisely but he wants, but he does know he wants to roll on his side, hold Shen Qiao close, warm Shen Qiao in whatever ways Shen Qiao will permit him to do so - mostly chaste ones, if he’s honest with himself (which he rarely is).

Instead, he forces himself to stillness, lets his arm lay against the clammy skin of Shen Qiao’s back, does what little he can to help without risking losing all self-control…and eventually falls asleep, because yeah, inedia is great, but after fighting out of the river, they need actual rest.

When he wakes up, he’s lying on his side, one arm near-frozen where it’s escaped from the blankets, a sharp contrast to the heat enveloping his back.

Because Shen Qiao has apparently also moved…and, in moving, has curled around Yan Wushi, his chin on Yan Wushi’s shoulder, his chest pressed to Yan Wushi’s back, one leg pressed between Yan Wushi’s knee…

…his erection pressed against Yan Wushi’s ass…

…and Yan Wushi can only swallow, only try to shudder a space between them, because fuck, this is the exact opposite of the problem he’d expected. Yan Wushi was supposed to accidentally embrace Shen Qiao. Yan Wushi was supposed to inadvertently wake up with his cock pressed to the seam of Shen Qiao’s shapely ass cheeks. Fear of thatis what led him to sleep on his back. That the opposite had even the faintest chance of occurring had never once crossed his mind.

“Sorry,” Shen Qiao mumbles, voice sleep-slurred and so damn close to Yan Wushi’s ear.

“For what?” counters Yan Wushi. It’s not what he should have said - he should have pretend affront, should have rolled away, should have rebuked, should have teased - but it’s all that he can manage, because his question of the previous night has finally found an answer.

What do I want?

Yes, I want Shen Qiao, but more than that - I want Shen Qiao to want me.

And he does.

Yan Wushi has no idea what to do with this information.

“I, um.” Shen Qiao shifts back; the blanket-robe shifts and he shudders then slams their bodies back together. Yan Wushi can only assume that he accidentally exposed his back to the cold. It’s hard to say for sure when he’s got hard cock jabbing him in the thigh, his own manhood reacting quickly to grow equally hot and thick, his thoughts quickly spiraling toward “sex? please? now? with Shen Qiao!”

“This never happens to me,” Shen Qiao manages, sounding equal parts apologetic and miserable. The tone is like a new splash of cold water dousing Yan Wushi. So, it’s not that Shen Qiao wants him, it’s that– “You’re just so…so hot…” The last word bursts from Shen Qiao like a groan, the multiple meaning of the word patent, and Yan Wushi’s brain derails.

Because it isthat Shen Qiao wants him.

Fuck, but that’s amazing.

No - that can’t be right. Why wouldn’t he have said so before? I might fuck around, but Shen Qiao is honest to a fault. If he was interested, surely I’d know. And I know no such thing. It’s still not about me.But, just because it’s not about me doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun with it - with him.

A deep chuckle forces out of Yan Wushi as he rolls bringing them chest to chest, cock to cock. He opens his eyes for the first time that morning to find Shen Qiao staring at him, gaze clear, eyes wide, expression shocked, cheeks flushed. Long black hair frames his shapely contours, tangles on the rocks they’ve used as pillows. Without waiting for him to say more (what if he said no?) Yan Wushi reaches between them and wraps his large, calloused hand around Shen Qiao’s shaft. A full-body shudder has Shen Qiao writhing against the ground, has huffing, half-vocalized breaths stuttering from his parted lips.

“Is this what you’re apologizing for?” Yan Wushi intends to taunt Shen Qiao, still a fool after all this time, still so easily brought under Yan Wushi’s sway, but to himself he can’t deny that he almost sounds…hopeful? Well, hopefully Shen Qiao doesn’t interpret his words that way. He’ll know when Shen Qiao answers…

…except Shen Qiao answers with a fervent nod, hips thrusting awkwardly to drag his cock through Yan Wushi’s fist, and no, that actually answers exactly zero questions.

Because it’s almost like Shen Qiao…actually wants this.

It’s almost like Shen Qiao…actually wants him.

Not a morning accident. Not a standard response to two warm bodies in proximity. Not the result of a dream.

“A-Yan…” whimpers Shen Qiao. “A-Yan, please…”

And Yan Wushi’s brain breaks.

Whenwas the last time Shen Qiao called him that?

Whenwas the last time he actually dared hope that Shen Qiao might want him?

Whenwas the last time Yan Wushi wanted anything, anyone, more than he wanted this man before him now, in his arms, in his bed, in his hands, moaning and pleading for him and only him?

Yan Wushi can hardly remember. It’s all blurred together with his near-death, his qi deviation, his self-reconsolidation into a single persona, his memories of Shen Qiao speaking, soft and kind, to him, but not to him.

“Do you want me, A-Qiao?” he asks, far less assured, far more hesitant, than he’d ever want to sound.

“Mn,” Shen Qiao agrees, nodding fervently, thrusting into Yan Wushi’s grip with every nod. “Do…have…should have…shouldn’t have slept with you…shouldn’t have–”

“Shouldn’t have kept it a secret,” whispers Yan Wushi, leaning to breath the words into Shen Qiao’s ear, relishing Shen Qiao’s trembling, gasping answer. “But now that I know…”

Shen Qiao thrusts, thrusts, eyes squeezed shut, lips parted around fevered, desperate inhales.

“…what?” asks Shen Qiao, and Yan Wushi is so enraptured watching him he can hardly figure out what Shen Qiao is asking him. “Now that you know…what, A-Yan? What will you do?”

“What will I do?” Yan Wushi smirks, tightens his grip around Shen Qiao’s cock, and begins to stroke in earnest. A desperate, shattered moan escapes Shen Qiao, and Yan Wushi’s body thrums with arousal, desire, heat, need, want. “I’ll make you come, Shen Qiao.”

“Oh…oh…!”

Yan Wushi truly had no idea that Shen Qiao felt this way.

But now that he knows?

“Oh, A-Qiao…”

Oh, they are going to have somuch fun together.

Today I’m Thinking About…

…Sui Zhou and Tang Fan’s first kiss.

I’m a bit of a slow reader, but I’ve been plugging away at The Fourteenth Year of Chenghua since, like, March, and I’m in the low chapter 80s now, and the slow burn is getting more and more brutal now that Sui Zhou definitely definitelyrecognizes that he is hopelessly in love and Tang Fan is still a clueless dumbass solidly in “I always feel so happy when Sui Zhou is around I wonder what’s up with that” and it’s killing me.

(eta: Okay, I’m going to pretend this was intentionallywritten as a fill for today’s May Trope Mayhem, which is The Grumpy One is Soft for the Sunshine one. I…didn’t actually plan it to be that…but then it go long and fuck it, might as well make it count…) @duckprintspress

So I was just thinking, like…

Tang Fan has been working a case, and he was in danger, and Sui Zhou has justheard that Tang Fan needs rescuing…when Tang Fan walks in the front door of Sui Zhou’s house. The panic instantly switches to relief, then to annoyance when Tang Fan looks at Sui Zhou like he cannot fathomwhy Sui Zhou was freaking out.

“It’s no big deal,” Tang Fan laughs it off. “I’m totally fine! You’re over reacting.”

“I am NOT,” Sui Zhou replies, the mess of emotions making is voice loud as he slams a hand against the door behind Tang Fan, trapping Tang Fan in place. (kabedon!) “Ido not over-react. Youunder-react. I know you, Runqing. I know you wouldn’t tell me even if you’d been in mortal danger. Tell me, truly, how serious was it?”

And Tang Fan opens his mouth to answer with a light-hearted jibe only to find he can do nothing but swallow the words, because Sui Zhou is staring at him so intensely, his eyes so bright and dark and gorgeous, his expression so fixed and serious. His heart starts racing worse than it had when he (definitely hadn’t been!) in peril, and he can’t imagine why.

“I can’t…” Sui Zhou catches his lip between his teeth, manages a slow blink in a clear effort to calm himself down, takes a deep breath, and continues, “Just promise me that next time, you’ll ask for help if you need it.”

“I always ask for help when I thinkI need it,” lies Tang Fan blithely. Why does Sui Zhou care so much, anyway? Why do I like that he cares so much? “But it’s not like I can predict ahead of time when things will go sideways. Not that anything went sideways this time! Really, it’s no big deal. You know the job I do, just like I know the job you do. Danger’s part of the deal. You don’t need to–”

“You don’t need to go looking for it,” interrupts Sui Zhou. He knows he sounds harsher than he wants to. He knows he’s acting inappropriately. He’s still got Tang Fan pinned against the door, still has their faces barely a hand’s width apart, still can feel his heart in his throat, still wants…still needs…he tries another slow blink, but it gets him absolutely fucking no where. There’s such a cacophony of wordsin his head, Don’t you understand, Runqing? I need you. I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t - I can’t - I can’t– but there was no speaking a one of them aloud. Tang Fan doesn’t look at him that way. Sui Zhou knows that. He does. And–

“Why do you care so much?” whispers Tang Fan, and Sui Zhou’s blood goes to ice. One touch, one word, even the faintest quirk of a smile on Tang Fan’s achingly kissable lips, and Sui Zhou is going to shatter.

How can he possibleanswer that question?

Andwhyis Sui Zhou choosing nowto be silent? Tang Fan cycles rapidly through potential reactions - should he laugh it off? Brush Sui Zhou’s arm aside (as if he coulddo that, unless Sui Zhou lets him, and oh, thinking about how strong that arm just over his shoulder truly is shouldn’t be so tempting)? Duck and run away? Open the door so they both tumble into the street beyond and return to his own home next door? Call for Dong-er?

Yet, to his amazement, before Tang Fan can finish planning and implementing an escape plan. Sui Zhou actually speaks.

“How…” Hoarse with emotion, Sui Zhou pauses, licks his lips - which is far, farmore distracting than Tang Fan would ever have imagined - then continues. “…how do you not know, Runqing?”

Every instinct demands Tang Fan act like this is somehow a joke. He knows it’s not - he knows Sui Zhou better than he knows anyone, better than he knows himself sometimes he thinks, and there is absolutely no way Sui Zhou would joke about something like this. Tang Fan wantsto know, but what if it’s not the answer he hopes for? (What answer does he hope for?) Tang Fan wants to guess, but what if he guesses wrong? (What would he guess, if he had to?) Tang Fan yearns,craves Sui Zhou’s presence, but most days even he’snot sure what that means, how is he supposed to know what that means? (No matter what Guangchuan says next, will Tang Fan even know how to answer it?)

He desperately prays that Sui Zhou will continue before Tang Fan has to formulate an answer…

…but Sui Zhou holds silent, trembling, battling inner demons as fiercely as he’s ever fought a cult member or foe. He must not, cannot, tell Tang Fan the truth. He’s already said more than he should have. He should move his arm, walk away, but every muscle feels locked, this brief moment stretching to an eternity. He can see no exit from this situation, not positive outcome. Whatever he says or doesn’t say, won’t Tang Fan be upset with him? Wouldn’t Sui Zhou be upset with Tang Fan, if their situations were reversed?

Fuck. No. Never. If somehow they swapped places, if somehow Tang Fan were on the verge of confessing the emotions Sui Zhou knows himself to cherish toward Tang Fan, knows Tang Fan to have no inkling of toward Sui Zhou…wouldn’t Sui Zhou give anything to hear Tang Fan say those words?

What if he’s waiting for me, right now, hoping I’ll speak?

“Guangchuang–”

“Runqing–”

“Oh, you first!”

“No - no, you continue.”

“Guangchuang…please…just talk to me.”

After this moment, they will never be able to go back to how they were before this.

Steeling himself as though about to face a line of dauntless enemies with their swords all drawn, Sui Zhou leans forward and breaths in Tang Fan’s ear, “I need you, Tang Fan.”

The words ruffle, hot and breezy, through Tang Fan’s hair. He has no idea what they mean. Sui Zhou is so close that Tang Fan can feel him trembling, feel his tension, feel his fear. Analyses like mathematical computations race through Tang Fan’s head - things he can say, ways Sui Zhou could react, hypothetical simulations of what might happen next, permutation upon permutation playing out over and over until Tang Fan is lost. He still has no idea what to say. For once in his whole damn life, he is speechless. But, he does know one thing with utmost certainty:

If Sui Zhou walks away - if Sui Zhou leaves him - he will break, crumble to his knees, sob his life away on the spot.

He doesn’t know what that means, what that emotion equals.

I need you, TangFan.

Hedoesknow what that means, what that emotion equals.

“I need you, too, Sui Zhou,” he whispers. A distressed, shuddery sound leaks from Sui Zhou; he shifts back, his warmth and musky, armory scent fading, and Tang Fan semi-unconsciously, semi-intentionally follows him, leaning forward, chasing him –

And then Sui Zhou crashes back into Tang Fan’s space, crashes their mouths together, rough lips brushing on soft ones, the arm that had him trapped against the door now curling around his shoulders, roughly pulling him close, disheveling his robes, tangling in his hair.

“Guangchuan,” and Tang Fan intendsto exclaim the name in shock, but Sui Zhou is too close, and Tang Fan’s body is too hot, and his thoughts are too muddled, and the word comes out as a groan dragged long and slow and sultry against Sui Zhou’s lips.

“Runqing,” Sui Zhou replies fervently, like a prayer, like a blessing. Tang Fan’s sweet taste lingers on his mouth and Sui Zhou craves more - he leans in to brush their lips together again, and again, sucking gently at Tang Fan’s lower lip as he draws away than dives in again to seize another kiss, another. I should stop. This is too much. He’s still trapped. I mustn’t–

And Tang Fan lifts an arm to encircle Sui Zhou’s neck, raises his other hand to cup Sui Zhou’s cheek and tug him into another kiss as if he senses the hesitation about to lead Sui Zhou to draw away, and arches his body to match the curve of Sui Zhou leaning over him.

“Oh…” breathes Sui Zhou. Oh, this is perfect…this is everything I’ve ever wanted…Tang Fan…my incredible, beloved Tong Fan… The words will never come, so Sui Zhou tries to explain them with his body language - with every whisper of lips on lips, with every caress of hand over lithe, robed body, with every press of hips and chests and thighs, with every reverent exhale and urgent inhale.

In Sui Zhou’s embrace, with their mouths joined, with their growing arousal impossible to conceal, Tang Fan’s mind has gone perfectly, wonderfully silent, one single truth singing in his head.

He finally, finallyhas figured out what the morass of conflicting feelings he’s experienced mean. They never were conflicting. They simply sang in a harmony Tang Fan had never heard before, one that was missing several instruments. Now that Sui Zhou is so close, now that they’re touching, sharing, feeling in tandem, the melody is complete and the meaning is so clear that Tang Fan can’t believehe didn’t realize it sooner. He’d always thought himself so perspicacious, yet somehow he never realized…

“I love you, Guangchuan.”

…what a full he’d been.

“Runqing,” says Sui Zhou reverently, trying to get closer, trying to hold him more closely, trying to make it clear to Tang Fan how cherished he is, to demonstrate exactly, precisely why he cares so much when Tang Fan stumbles into danger. “Runqing, Runqing, Runqing, Run–”

“Hey!” Dong-er’s voice, sharp and familiar, interrupts. They jump apart like they’ve been burned, Sui Zhou leaping a stride away, Tang Fan colliding with the door. “Are you two done yet? Cause I’m not gonna just cook this whole meal alone, you know!”

“Right, right,” mumbles Sui Zhou, adjusting certain…betraying…parts of his anatomy to be more concealed. Robes. Very good clothing items, Robes.

“Does that mean you expect meto cook?” Tang Fan asks with an air of innocence.

“No!” they both snap at him.

And, to the beautiful sound of Tang Fan’s laughter - to the gorgeous chorus of Sui Zhou and Tang Fan laughing together, of Dong-er acting like she’s seen precisely nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary, to the crackle of the fire and sizzle of meat in the pan - they walk toward the kitchen together.

No matter what happens after this - always, always together.

…

oops this got long. *sweat drop*

Anyway, yeah, that’s what I’m thinking about today.

Today I’m Thinking About…

…I’ve been head-empty for a couple days, super busy and when I COULD think about writing, thinking about my surprise pinch-hit for the SHL RBB and my fic for the DMBJ Small/Med Ship exchange - I have ideas for both but nothing written, and couldn’t share regardless cause challenges.

BUT! Yesterday I did have a lot of fun thinking about my next May Trope Mayhem fill. Fuck knows when I’ll write it, but, with that in mind…

…today I’m thinking about a modern WangNingXian AU where all three are about the biggest fucking idiots on the planet.

Idiot 1:

Wei Wuxian: woe is me, I know LWJ is in love with Wen Ning. I will be oh-so-self-sacrificing and try to help my two dumb best friends be together.

Wei Wuxian texts Lan Wangji: there’s a carnival in town, you should invite Wen Ning!

Idiot 2:

Wen Ning: …why is Lan Wangji…texting ME? this is ridiculous, he’s in love with Wei Ying? Maybe Wei Ying’s not available? No, no, maybe Lan Wangji was just too nervous to ask him directly. I will do him a solid, since I know how much they care about each other, and make sure that the person Lan Wangji REALLY wants to see will be there.

Wen Ning texts Wei Wuxian: oh my god, oh my god, Lan Wangji invited me to the carnival I CANNOT BE ALONE WITH HIM what will we even talk about it’s absolutely ridiculous no you have to come, please please please?

Idiot 3:

Lan Wangji: …the only reason that Wei Wuxian would instruct me to invite Wen Qionglin is because he is utterly oblivious to how much Wen Qionglin adores him, and wants to be sure that they each have a nice evening. In the name of my feelings for both of them, I will do Wei Wuxian this favor.

Lan Wangji, showing up at the carnival to see them both there, Wen Ning looking shy, Wei Wuxian waving and grinning: *lwj.exe has ceased to function*

…and so it goes. :D