#jensen series
Chapter 9
Summary: Jensen’s held up his ‘family/good guy’ image for a long time. When that image is gone or threaten, then he’s forced to do something he really doesn’t want to do. Can he learn to love her before it’s too late, and can she forgive him for the way he’s treated her since the beginning?
Chapter Warnings: Angst, Things are discussed, Could it be we find some common ground?
Word Count:3240
A/N: This fic is completely unbeta, so all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! Enjoy!
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The first thing that made sense to Y/N as she started to wake with the light of the morning filtering through the window, was the pounding headache probably brought on by the amount of wine she’d drank at the restaurant last night. Second was the fact that her mouth was so dry it felt as if it had somehow turned into the Sahara Desert overnight, again, most likely the wine. Last, but not least, was that she was alone in the bed.
Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t sure that Jensen ever came to bed last night at all. He was the one that suggested that they share a bed after all, but it seemed he had chickened out. In fact, after their little fight at the restaurant, if you could call it that, they had had much more spectacular fights in their short time together, he’d barely said a word to her at all. He just changed silently into his pj’s after his shower, and then made his way to the living room area of the little home, and sat down alone in the dark on the couch.
Y/N was so mentally and physically exhausted that she didn’t care much last night whether or not he came to bed. She just showered once he’d finished and fell face first on the side of the bed she’d designated as ‘her side’, and fell asleep hard. She didn’t remember feeling him ever join her in the bed last night at all now that she thought of it
She rolled herself over slowly, cracking one of her eyes as she pulled the covers far enough away from her face to look around the room, no Jensen, but he wasn’t far, the open door revealed him sitting on the same couch she’d left him on last night, a glass of what looked like whiskey in his hand, and his hair a mess. The clock on the wall told her that it wasn’t even ten in the morning yet and he was already drinking, great.
She laid back down into the cocoon of pillows and blankets around her with a huff, not ready to get out of bed and face him just yet.
She really didn’t understand why he’d had the reaction he’d had last night to their little spat. Maybe she’d gone too far when she’d threatened to leave him and go back to California, but honestly, who in their right mind would tolerate being treated the way he’d treated her? What did he expect from her? She’d gone a hell of a lot easier on him than he deserved, that was for sure, and she just wasn’t ready to accept his apology yet and sooth his ego, because honestly, he was going to have to prove just how sorry he was to her. Words at this point meant nothing.
She was just about to give up on her stewing and drag herself out of bed to face the music when his phone rang, and she froze in place.
Jensen signed heavily, apparently not very happy to see the person’s name on the other end of the screen, and swore under his breath, which made her chest tighten with fear of just what could be on the other line.
“Hello,” his deep, whisky rough voice answered, Y/N strained to hear who was on the other end of the line, literally holding her breath.
“Hey mom… Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.”
Suddenly Y/N felt horrible for listening in on his conversation, and started to get up and out of bed, but she was afraid he’d see her and think she was Eve’s dropping on purpose. Damn him for renting such a small house!!
“No,” he said after a pause. “We’re in Hawaii.”
Y/N remembered Jensen telling her that even his parents didn’t know where he was taking her, she guessed he wasn’t as big of a lair as she tagged him to be after all.
“I don’t think so mom,” he said after a long moment. “I really have messed this up from the beginning. I don’t think there’s a way of fixing it.”
“Yeah, Yeah, I know that…”
Y/N didn’t want to lift the covers to check for sure, but she was almost sure she could hear his voice crack as if he were crying? Maybe it was just the fact that it was so early and he was already drinking that made his voice rough. Maybe she was overthinking things. Fuck she really did not want to invade his privacy this way, she felt like she’d already done that enough when she was forced on him the way she was, but she felt more and more trapped the longer the conversation went on.
After a long pause of what Y/N was sure was Jensen’s mother lecturing him for whatever, good or bad because she could not hear to be certain, Jensen let out a long, deep breath, and cleared his throat.
“I know, I’m going to try, but I can’t make anyone any promises… No, we haven’t, but an annulment is going to be completely up to her. I’m not going to make her stay with someone like me, but I’m not going to ask her to leave either. Maybe that’s a little bit of a dick move, but our choice has been taken away from us so much in this whole situation that I’m going to let her have this one.”
The lump that gathered in Y/N’s throat was so impressive that she almost had to cough before she could swallow again.
He sounded so done, so defeated. She’d not heard this side of him before, even when he came home completely waisted and was so hung over the next day he spent most of the day hanging over the toilet.
“If she decides to stay with me I’ll talk to her about it when we get home… Sure, I’ll let you know… Love you too.”
Y/N heard the phone drop to the table and Jensen sighed again as he sat back on the small loveseat. She knew she couldn’t hide away in the bed forever, so she waited a beat to make it look as if she wasn’t listening in on his phone call, and sat up slowly in the bed, with the movement his red rimmed eyes shot to her and back down to his lap as he started to chew on his lower lip and twisting his glass in his hand as if he were nervous.
It took all the will power in her to stand up from that bed and make her way into the small living space where he was sitting. Not because she was afraid of him, not really, it was because she was afraid of the conversation that was surely coming. It was going to be a make or break, because if she decided to stay with him, then there was no going back for her, this was it, she was in it for life, especially if he held true to what he told his mother and didn’t file for the annulment himself.
Looking at the man as she walked into the room and sat down in the small chair across from him, the glass coffee table sitting in between them like a battle line drawn, ready for one of them to look up and cross it, she was almost certain that if she walked out of her right now and never looked back, it would distroy him, or he would do something really stupid and distroy himself. Either way there was no good outcome for him. It was just something her gut was telling her. The man was ready to end it all if she left him. It was just something she just knew. Mentally, he wasn’t well.
“We need to talk,” he said after a moment of silence passed between them, keeping his eyes low and twisting the empty crystal glass between his fingers.
“Yeah, we do,” she agreed, “and this time let’s try to do it like adults and not like petty children or yelling at one another.”
Jensen nodded, but didn’t look up. Instead he just continued to speak mostly to his knees. It made him look so much smaller than she’d ever thought possible with such a tall, thick, brooding of a man.
“I’m not going to apologize to you again for how I’ve acted, because every time I try to apologize to you we end up in another fight,” he stated as if he’d given this a lot of long thought. “I understand why you don’t want to forgive me, not that I ever really asked you too, and I understand why you don’t believe me. There’s nothing I can say or do to change that.”
Y/N sat silently and watched as a range of emotions passed over his face before he looked out of the window, and ran a hand down his face before looking her in the eyes for the first time since she’d sat down. Then there it was again. That dark, soulless, shell of a person staring back at her just like it had the first day she’d met him in Mr. Carter’s office.
“If you want to leave, I’ll book your flight back to LA and I’ll pay for the annulment once you’ve filed it,” he continued. “I’m not going to try and do anything to take you down or hurt your reputation. I’ll make sure that Mr. Carter gives you your job back, and I’ll pay for whatever collateral damage having been with me probably has caused. It’s solely my fault that we are even in this mess to begin with, so I’m the one that should take responsibility for it.”
“And, if I choose to stay,” she asked in a small voice, and she was taken aback by the tears that formed in his eyes that he refused to let fall. It was the first real emotion that he’d shown since she’d met the man, even if he wasn’t looking at her again.
“I don’t understand why you would,” Jensen stated matter of factly with a confused expression on his face, “but I’m not going to twist your arm to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Okay,” Y/N nodded, taking the approach to this conversation that was probably more appropriate for a child than a grown man, but talking to Jensen this way always felt like a ticking time bomb, and if you stepped wrong or said somethting to set him off this conversation was going to go no where. “Well, my next question is, do you want me to stay?”
“Why does it matter what I want?” Jensen inquired, turning his head slightly as he looked at her like she was nuts.
“Just, humor me,” she said, face as stoney as his own. “Tell me the truth, do you want me to stay here, or do you want me to go back to California and file for an annulment?”
Jensen swallowed thickly, his eyes shifting nervously. She could tell by the look on his tired face this was not the direction he anticipated the conversation going when he started it.
“I… I don’t really want you to leave,” he admitted reluctantly after a moment.
Y/N nodded again, watching him as if he could explode at any moment.
“And is that becau-”
“It’s not because I’d lose my career if that’s what you’re about to say,” Jensen interrupted, looking down and scratching at his hair harshly with his free hand.
Y/N could tell he was getting irritated, and she didn’t want him to turn this into a fight, but she was really curious now as to why he wanted her to stay. It was certainly not the answer she’d been expecting.
“Then, can you enlighten me? Because so far all I’ve got from you since I walked into Mr. Carter’s office is that you don’t want anything to do with me.”
Jensen nodded, a grim look on his face and just shook his head, clearly he was not done with this conversation already, but they kept dancing around one another and didn’t get things straight between them, then things were just going to get worse and worse between them, she knew that. So like it or not, if he wanted her to stay, he needed to level with her.
“Did Mr. Carter tell you how you ended up with me?” Jensen questioned, searching her face as she sat there silently across from him.
“Because you got caught with two randoms in a motel room,” she retorted, turning her head thoughtfully, “possibly ruining your reputation and your career.”
“Yeah, that’s what I did, but did he tell you why he chose you to marry me, and not any of the other fifty women in the office working that day?”
Y/N blinked in confusion, and Jensen snorted, shaking his head in disgust as he stood and made his way over to the small island that separated the living area from the kitchen where the whiskey bottle he’d been drinking from sat. Y/N wanted to call him out on the fact that it wasn’t even noon yet, but she knew better than to push him that far.
“He said that the industry wanted me to marry, and these are his words, not mine, ‘under my league.’ Literally the girl next door makes the handsome actor fall for her, some Cinderella bullshit or something like that, and I promise you, I’m softening the blow here, he was not near as nice as I just said it,” Jensen said as he flopped back down on the small couch.
Y/N swallowed thickly, blinking back the tears that suddenly wanted to spring forth without her permission. She had trusted and respected Mr. Carter. Learning this hurt, it hurt a lot, and she could tell by the look on Jensen’s face he wasn’t lying, not that he had a reason too.
“Why are you telling me this?” Y/N asked, “What? Kick the dog while she’s down? What does that have to do with the reason you’d want me to stay?”
“I never said you were a dog,” Jensen corrected her. “He literally gave me no other choice. PR marriages are a thing in Hollywood, everyone knows it. Usually they pair you with another actor or someone else in the industry, but he said they literally wanted to ‘shake the Hollywood off of me’. It– made me so angry. They took my choice away. Our choice. They forced us into something that just…”
Jensen let his sentence trail off and closed his eyes as he tried to pull back his own emotions but failed miserably as a stray tear started to leak down his face before he looked her in the eye again.
“I don’t really know why I want you to stay, and that’s the truth. But you did have a right to know what happened the day you walked into that office.”
Jensen reached up to run his hand down his face again, and this time she was paying attention as his shirt lifted slightly, revealing thin cuts along his inner bicep, and she instinctively reached for his arm for a better look, he jumped back as if she had tried to burn him, and she dropped her hand into her lap, pulling his shirt back down quickly.
“Jensen, if this is even going to work at all, you’re going to have to start treating me like a human. You said it yourself, what I would really have to go back to in California if I did leave isn’t much better than what I have here. So I’m not going to go anywhere, but if you ever, and I mean EVER raise a hand to me again, I’m gone.”
Jensen nodded, before sitting his glass down on the coffee table between them with a shaky hand.
“Have you slept at all?” she asked, watching his movements.
“I laid down on the floor for a while, but I didn’t sleep really,” he admitted, his hand ideally going to up to rub his arm where she’d seen the cuts. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know how they got there, and for the first time she didn’t see him as a monster, but she saw him as someone who was hurting, and had been hurt, really REALLY bad. That didn’t excuse the way he’d treated her, but it did make her worry about just how deep this rabbit whole really went, or just how mentally he might be, and to scared to too stubborn to ask for help.
“Jensen, you didn’t have to lay on the floor, you said we could share the bed, but if you didn’t want to sleep next to me then I probably could have made the couch work –”
“That’s not it,” Jensen said, “I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep and I didn’t see the point of keeping you awake and miserable with me.”
Y/N reached for him again, and Jensen flinched away before mumbling something that sounded like ‘sorry’, before standing to his feet.
“Maybe I should try to go and lay down for a little while and get at least an hour of sleep, then if you want we can go for a walk down by the water just to get out of this little house for a little bit.”
Y/N nodded, and let him get up and make his way over to the only bed in the room.
She didn’t want to feel sorry for him, she wanted to be mad at him, make him suffer, but maybe he was already suffering enough on his own without her help, and the scary part about it is she didn’t think there was a chance in hell he was going to let her pull him out. He’d gladly just drown.
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