#joker speaks

idk if that many people care that much but I’ve gotten some messages about it. So just to clarify I’m fine and no one thing or one person made me leave and I didn’t feel run off. I left a lot of my social media accounts for my mental health. I logged back on here just looking for something though, I still consider this account abandoned, but I left rather suddenly and I didn’t have it in me to say much about it atm. 

man I really hate this constant feeling of depression

btw if y’all ever see anythin ya’d like me to gif…. 

completely random but is clannad actually as good as everyone says it is because I couldn’t get past the first episode cause of those fuckin eyes 

can’t BELIEVE none of you have sent me twilight or mordecai 

MUTUAL SENDIN ME A BUNCH AT A TIME TGRWEBG

I also wanna say I DM’d uwukong and we talked things over and we’re on good terms. I appreciate xem accepting my apology and I just wanna make things clear it’s been handled and while I was glad to find out no one’s been bothering it about this I wanna make it clear I don’t want anyone sending hate on my behalf, regardless of whatever discourse it may involve. I was gonna work on some stim posts today but I don’t want to make it look like I’m trying to brush off or hide the situation, so that’ll be postponed til later.

my day be so fine. Then boom: twitter assigns me a gender

and now we’ve come to possibly the most braindead development of the discourse I just had to see with my own two eyes someone compare making that joke hate tweet about bts to the actual, real life holocaust

immediately lost followers for this. this the hill ya wanna die on??? threatening someone with death and SA over a band that will NEVER EVER give a flying fuck about your existence??? damn. okay. couldn’t be me but get well soon!

but things are different. I guess good news in that the hiatus was far shorter than I was expecting it to be. But I think the relief of relinquishing the pressure to come back was good, it gave me time to think. And in the end I do wanna come back. However, we’re starting fresh. So if you wanna keep up with new content, we’re at @stimmyvillain! this blog will be kept up as an archive to use our older gifs and banners. This post will be queued for a little while so people can get a chance to see it and follow the new blog

so. this has been a long time coming.

I’ve been avoiding addressing these feelings cause I didn’t really wanna accept it or deal with it, but at this point I’ve reached my limit and I’m beyond fucking exhausted.

I don’t know if I’m going to be staying in the stim community anymore. I’m suspecting that my time here, while valuable for a good chunk, has become toxic and added to my misery that’s made me feel depressed and unable to do anything lately. It’s not just anons, though. This was honestly just the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

Up til now, and even then still now, I’ve taken pride in being a stim blog that wasn’t afraid to say it like it is and get into discourse if I felt there was wrongdoing going on. Then bullshit with my life happened, and I’ve completely relapsed into a deep depression that’s honestly worse than it’s ever been and now with losing my dog, I’m a wreck. I can handle it fine at some points but then I just completely lose it under the stress. 

And I’m coming to realize just… how pointless being so outspoken has become. I felt like people were listening to me and actually learning from what I had to say, then it turned into people just using me to get some form of entertainment from the fighting and drama. People are literally going to other blogs of mine to harass me about my dog’s death. I’m being harassed for losing a pet. This is actually incredibly shitty. And this isn’t the first time I’ve been harassed off this blog FOR my affiliation with this blog. I don’t feel my opinion is valued, nor my feelings.

But, I did enjoy my time here. Joining the community helped me actually come to accept that I’m an undiagnosed autistic that was going to be accepted for not knowing as soon as other people did. And I met one of my dearest friends through making this blog. So for that I’m putting it on hiatus so I can step away and clear my head. I’m going to be spending more time on deviantart again, which, ironically, I created this blog to get away from there. Maybe I’m just overall not a happy person and I wasn’t meant to be happy. But man, I have things I actually wanna do that, if I focused on, might bring me more fulfillment without the constant randos trying to upset me and get me to perform a show for them. How fucking weird that a blog catered to making gifs and stimboards has to deal with this nonsense.

So for the hiatus, I’m going to be spending some time away from it. I won’t delete it, though. I’m just not gonna pretend I’ll work up the nerve to post when I’m not ready. I’ll also be spending more time on my main blog and, hopefully, art and pride icon blogs. but I just wanna focus on my artwork and stories rn, they’re the only things that bring me any fulfillment and joy right now.

If I decide to come back, I may decide to move to a different blog and leave this as an archive. We’ll see, though. If I decide I’m done with stimmyvillain the blog will still be left for an archive so people can continue to use our content but either way, I’ll make a post about it. As said, idk how long the hiatus will be. I’m sorry to pull this so suddenly, but it’s been on my mind for a while, and I haven’t had it in me to post all that much anyway.

However, just to make my point clear because I want to see this community IMPROVE, here’s some key points about this blog and/or being in the stim community that has affected me negatively

- the RAMPANT exclusionism. Holy shit y’all will do anything for your aphobic faves and it’s literally painful to watch it happen. Though, I guess you could say that’s a tumblr problem, but holy shit is it obvious in this community. And now panphobia is starting to be cool and hip too, which now directly targets me as someone who’s pan. Like I’ve been telling everyone we need to stop platforming these people and it feels like this is like. a punishment for fighting against it. And don’t get me started on the increasing plyphobia, polyamphobia, etc. This is just becoming a cisgay circle jerk and it’s PAINFUL.

- Holy shit the goddamn discourse. So many of y’all slept on my actual important discourse concerning people like stimmywhale but then demonized users for such STUPID shit that isn’t even problematic to begin with. Get some fucking priorities and I’m begging you to get off this site and get some perspective on what really matters.

- y’all. stealing. everything. and. not. crediting. anything.

- the weird fucking cliques in the community. Some of y’all are adults, fucking act like you are this isn’t fucking mean girls jesus christ. I guess you could blame other spaces for that too but, again, it is REALLY obvious. And it sucks when I have followers or fans who have been afraid of me because they think I’ll be like that. I don’t even participate in it and I get wrapped up in it, treat each other like human fucking beings.

- the fact, like I said, I literally can’t have a death in my family without being harassed for it. who the fuck gets off on watching me mourn.

there’s plenty of other problems, but I can’t say this is specific to the stim community. I’ve been fighting in this losing battle for years even before this community and I need to find out what’s going to make me happy and productive. 

I’ll remain in the stim server and I’ve posted my other blogs here in the past, you could find them pretty quick.

goodbye for now.

Me: hey my dog just died and I’m miserable and in mourning

Y'all for some weird fuckin reason: discourse time

also to say this cause people are starting to get worried; for once I’m not blaming this on myself. We did all we could for Tippy, and I’ve never seen a dog so loved before. life is just incredibly fucking cruel. But I’m not internalizing this, I know I tend to and it’s comforting to know people have recognized that and they’re looking out for me. I really do appreciate it in a time where I feel completely empty and alone

also I want to thank everyone for their kind asks. I wish I had more to say other than thank you and please don’t take this as me ignoring your ask and your compassion because I’m not, I’m genuinely grateful. 

and just to make it hurt worse my sister just. crawled into my bed and asked if she could sleep in my room tonight. It was like we were kids again and one of us had just had a nightmare. 

So. I figured I’d update on the situation, because I’m sure this came out of left field. I’m putting the post under the cut cause it’s. triggery. so trigger warning for animal death/harm 

I posted before but my sister’s dog Tippy had a seizure some time ago earlier this month. It was a singular incident and, well, we’re not made of money. We have to pick and choose what we do. We did schedule an appointment with the vet to have them come out and examine all the dogs and cats but it wasn’t gonna be til the 30th. So we had to wait til then to get an understanding of what was going on. But two weeks ago Tippy started having multiple seizures. I literally didn’t sleep for about 32 hours, probably more, just to stay awake so I’d be there to make sure he didn’t hurt himself and so my sister could rest. It got so bad we did take him to the nearest vet hospital and he got treated. He was diagnosed with epilepsy and my dad was kind enough to pay $2500+, which I’m absolutely fucking grateful he had saved up so much for emergencies like that. Things started to get better and Tippy was recovering, then out of nowhere he just. started deteriorating. I don’t want to get into detail, at least not on this post, but it got really bad, and all of us and the vet believe he may have had a brain tumor. We could have taken him to a neurologist, but it would have cost thousands of dollars we don’t have just for us to be told the problem but with absolutely no solution. But at this point Tippy was. gone. he wasn’t mentally up there anymore and we all decided that because it was just painful for him to keep going like this we couldn’t let it go on. And after an absolutely fucking terrifying episode last night we managed to get the vet to come in the morning to euthanize him. He died around 11:30 AM in me and my sisters arms peacefully and at home. He’s going to be cremated and we want to spread his ashes on the beach. I’ve been with that dog since the moment he was born and to the moment he died. I went months with barely any sleep so I would be up for him and make sure he was taken care of so his mama could rest. I would sneak into my sister’s room at night after working late so I could say hi to him and let him know how much I loved him and missed him while I was away to the point he started expecting me to come in. I remember playing with this dog til we were both exhausted and cuddle with him after til he fell asleep. I would do absolutely anything for my babies, and this dog was so loved. All of our dogs are related to one another in some way. And right now his brother, parents, grandma, and aunt are all miserable and keep needing to be comforted. and our cats won’t leave my sister’s side, especially Rick. I know I’m rambling at this point, and sorry you have to see my usual sarcastic, jokey self just. die like this. This is just complete and utter despair and I have no clue what to do with myself. He was going to turn three years old on halloween, too.

love you, tippy. you were one of the most gorgeous creatures to ever walk this planet and you did nothing to deserve this fate.

I don’t have it in me to go into detail, I’ve barely slept these past few weeks and I’ve barely eaten, wouldn’t have eaten at all if it weren’t for my coworkers making me things because they know I won’t eat otherwise. But tippy is going to be put down today. So don’t expect me to be on for awhile. Idk. Idk why I bother updating anyway.

I didn’t have the energy to update this til now but currently tippy’s in a veterinarian hospital and will be there at least til overnight. Please just keep him in your thoughts