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• Punishments do NOT negate the right to a safeword. Some people are mislead into dangerous situations by being told they cannot safeword during a punishment. This is completely untrue. All parties have a right to safeword at any time during any kind of play or punishment. Taking away the right to safeword equates to abuse, plain and simple. Don’t evertell your partner they cannot safeword or ignore their safeword for the sake of punishment. This is not effective and is extremely harmful to your partner’s mental and/or physical well-being.
• NEVER punish out of anger. Anger is never a healthy motivation for punishment. Punishments are meant for the submissive’s benefit, at the core. If the submissive’s behaviour has made the Dominant angry, they should have a cooling-off period where they can calm down, think about an appropriate punishment, and resolve the matter at a later time, after healthy discussion about what happened.
• Limits are NOT to be used as punishments. Many people have activities they don’t particularly enjoy that aren’t on their limits list. Some people have specific ideas for punishments that suit them best. However, regardless of you or your partner’s experience with punishments, it needs to be understood that hard limits are not punishments. Hard limits are never to be used for punishment’s sake because "hard limit" means "I do not want to do this under any circumstance." Using a hard limit as a punishment would be an abusive act, as hard limits come with an automatic safeword attached, since they are specificly stated as things the person does not feel comfortable with. Never, ever, threaten or use hard limits to punish a submissive.
• Use healthy discretion. This one should seem obvious, but don’t follow through with punishments if rule-breaking was out of the submissive’s control. Say the submissive has a 11PM bedtime, but they recently suffered a trauma or loss and can’t sleep. Let them engage in healthy coping skills instead of punishing them for something they aren’t doing on purpose. Above all else, make safety and well-being a priority.
• Make the punishment fit the crime. Punishments that are relative to the defiance are much more effective at changing the behaviour than random punishments. For example, if the submissive cums without permission, try a punishment from the "orgasm control" section. This will better reinforce the reasoning in the submissive and more effectively guide them to make better choices in the future. There are also punishments that work best for specific dynamics like for littles or pets, so be sure to read into those, below.
• Aftercare is absolutely required. Like any kind of play, aftercare is required at the end of the scene. This is especially important during punishments because often times, the submissive is consumed with feelings of guilt and disappointment. After a punishment, Dominants need to give their submissives aftercare that includes a conversation about why they were punished, how proud the Dominant is for them taking the punishment so well, and that there are no negative feelings between them. The submissive should leave the punishment scene feeling forgiven for their mistakes and proud of themselves for making things right with their Dominant. Do not leave your submissive alone after a punishment without aftercare, ever! This is highly abusive and can seriously harm your partner.

A major part of many kinky dynamics is a focus on discipline. While "discipline" can be a fun part of your everyday activities, it can also mean something more specific in terms of punishment. "Punishment" differs from the general sense of discipline in that it has a specific goal to focus on that changes a submissive’s behaviour.

Many people engage in what can be called "funishment,"–punishment-type activities, like regular spankings or other forms of play, that are not meant to alter the behaviour of the submissive but rather to provide enjoyment to either/both/all parties. However, it is important to distinguish the difference between playful discipline and serious punishments. Punishments are consequences of negative actions, whether this is based on officially-written regulations or unspoken general behaviours like brattiness, defiance, or dangerous behaviours.

The idea of punishment is based largely on psychological research in the area of behaviourism. It consists of techniques that are supported by science to effectively alter the behaviour of an individual. (If you want to learn more about the research behind punishments, look up B. F. Skinner’s work in this area.)

Two types of punishments exist: positive punishments, which add undesired consequences to the behaviour, and negative punishments, which take away desired privileges.

Now, before I get into some specific ideas for punishments, there are some important key points I’d like to make. Please be sure to read all of these before deciding on a specific punishment.

Why Submissive Males Have Value

The constant theme in femdom seems to be seeing submissive males as somehow an inferior type of human being compared to other men. Now, I do understand why this can turn people on. The level of power exchange can make a woman feel superior, and using that feeling of power to degrade a submissive into thinking he’s worthless is very easy to do. Since her dominance is what he craves, the idea of being degraded by her is a turn on for him because it caters to his core desire to submit, even if that means believing he’s worthless.

While it may be a turn on, it really doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. It’s not something that we can turn into a lifestyle that doesn’t lead to arrests, or abuse. The sad part about it is, this portrayal of female dominance is often seen as the only version that can exist. Many submissive males try to approach women by throwing themselves at their feet saying how worthless they are, and all it does is come off as desperate and creepy. Because it’s simply not practical. As a result we have submissive males living as lost souls having no idea how to be accepted in this world. We can make fun of them and call them betas and tell them that’s exactly how they’re supposed to be. But it’s a lie.

If we can get around this view of femdom, and take a look it from another perspective, we can perhaps, start to see another version of female dominance that can work for both partners, without the negative mental health effects. Because there is a way of having a beautiful relationship, when you take the qualities a submissive male is offering, and put them to good use, rather than beat them down.

Lets take a look at what a submissive male is offering. First of all, the most important thing to realize about submissive males, is that they realize they are not like conventional men. I don’t want to say normal men, because what is normal? Everything is normal depending upon the perspective. Conventional men have their own agenda and do their down thing. But submissive males, go the opposite way. Rather than wanting to conquer women, they want to honor women without conquering. They understand that they don’t want to be like the conventional man, instead, they want to be as supportive as possible, to the woman he deems most worthy in his life.

This means, submissive males want to not only understand their partner, but they also want to participate in everything to do with their partner. Which is completely foreign to most relationships. It’s an entire level of intimacy that simply doesn’t ever enter a conventional relationship. Most conventional relationships have power struggles and decision making arguments. But a submissive male doesn’t want these issues, the barter system is no longer an issue. He wants what she wants. Let me say that again, because conventional relationships never see this kind of devotion. He wants what she wants.

It’s not just that he wants what she wants, he needs what she wants. Every single time she makes a decision for him, he feels incredible, he feels like it’s exactly as it should be, because her pleasure, sexual or non sexual, brings him joy. He wants to shower her with attention, and support her in every way, as much as she’ll let him. Yet most women have no idea how far and how deep they can allow him in, because he’ll want to go as far as he can without making her feel uncomfortable.

He wants to bring as much value to her life as he possibly can. He will bring more value the more she allows him into her feminine world. It’s really up to her how much value she wants him to bring to the relationship. This can be a practical relationship that can lead to a very strong D/s dynamic that never has to lead to abuse or degradation or any kind of mentally / physically unhealthy qualities. It can truly be a lifestyle where a woman can truly let a man into her life, and trust him with the utmost integrity and feel completely safe knowing he is dedicated and devoted to her forever. How many conventional relationships have that?

This is why submissive males have value. Utilize that value in the right way, and submissive males will only fall deeper into loving submission. Respect the value they bring to the relationship by using that value and appreciating that value, while she always maintains and happily remains his dominant leader. Submissive males want to feel just as safe as women do. The feeling of being safe with another is something that should be treasured and not degraded.

Which is why I wrote my Practical FLR series. Volume 1 talks about the lifestyle and many different aspects of it, while volume 2 talks more specifically about how to create an incredible sex life with a D/s dynamic.

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