I already wrote a tag novel on this but I can’t get this scene out of my mind & it deserves a deep-dive, so- buckle up, kids.
the heartwrench started in earnest when Vegas stormed out of the bathroom and Kinn turned to- or on to- Porsche. look at the small but striking journey Porsche’s expressions go through here:
I’m praying to the BL gods that we get some BTS commentary on this moment in particular because there’s so much that could be happening with Porsche here.
maybe in his tipsiness he was just happy to have Kinn there before the reality of Kinn’s rage hit him. maybe it was some of that gleeful sass in response to Kinn’s jealousy that we saw earlier in the ep.
or it could have a darker meaning: is that little smile a knowing one? a confirmation of the doubts about Kinn’s sincerity/intentions that have been brewing in Porsche since he found out about Tawan?
regardless, all are loaded/potentially devastating possibilities.
Kinn and Porsche then exchange slaps and verbal barbs, but it’s much more than the sum of its parts. they both have so many fears, insecurities and lack of trust in each other (and themselves, too) that they’ve been carrying around since this intoxicating, terrifying thing between them started.
the powder keg was already loaded & ready to explode- the altercation with Vegas was just the spark that lit it.
I’m glazing over the rest of the argument to the aftermath because that’s where things really get narratively delicious. I’ve always been a sucker for a good chase- the idea that someone not just wants but needs you to the extent that they’d pursue you- and Kinn’s desperate need for Porsche to stay with him is on full, aggressive display here.
he moves so quickly after Porsche that it comes off as an instinct, not an intentional choice- a magnet chasing its opposite polarity.
there’s this moment against the mirror where they continue to struggle against each other, but it couldn’t be more half-hearted. the mutual stare-off is intense as they size each other up. Kinn is a brick wall of determination, but we all know Porsche could easily get out of his grip & that room if he wanted to. which way is he gonna go? the tension in this moment was palpable (all hail MileApo for acting their damn faces off).
and then, Porsche caves- literally. he curls into himself in a defensive posture against the mirror, clearly pissed about giving into this insufferable man he loves- but he does it anyway, because it’s Kinn. one of the hallmarks of their relationship is how mutually weak they are for each other, despite all the reasons they “shouldn’t” be.
once Kinn realizes Porsche is staying with him- at least for the moment- this deep, yawning regret paints his expression, tinged with a sort of loneliness (not surprising after the life he’s led), replacing the rage. there’s a different sort of tension here now- this feeling of walking the edge of a knife, knowing one wrong word or move could end the fragile sort-of peace.
Kinn’s terrified in this moment: not just at the possibility of losing Porsche for good, but the past repeating itself. of how the world seems stacked against his happiness- maybe even how he himself (and what he’s had to become/endure) stands in the way of it.
Kinn didn’t wax poetic here because, in my opinion, he can’t: he’s in the midst of a total emotion onslaught, holding onto this man who’s become so precious to him for dear life. but he has to say something,dosomething, so he goes for simplicity: I’m sorry.
we linger here for a minute, the camera purposefully moving in Kinn’s direction then Porsche’s, the mirror giving us a full 180 view. again, the ball is in Porsche’s court. the choice is his.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Porsche is a mirror, reflecting back whatever he’s given (or not given), which makes the use of mirrors here all the more chef’s kiss. Porsche also needs words to go along with actions, so as small as that apology was- it’s exactly what he needed to hear.
he didn’t want this fight, he didn’t want that kiss from Vegas- he wants to stay with Kinn, be with Kinn, in spite of everything they’re up against. there are so many layers here, but it’s really pretty simple: it’s love. stupid, wonderful, intoxicating love.
I love how slowly Porsche turns to Kinn here- it says “I’m not fighting; I’m not fleeing.” and Kinn turns with him, again moving with him like he can’t help himself.
and then: Porsche fully faces Kinn and my heart stopped. this isn’t an expression we’ve seen him wear in front of anyone: it’s soft but feels like a raw nerve. naked, vulnerable- it says, “you did wrong. I’m hurting, but I’m here. now show me how you really feel. heal what you hurt.” Kinn strokes his hair with a breathless sort of wonder, not quite believing his luck that he’s still there.
and then, the moment that shoots this scene into the stratosphere for me: Porsche doesn’t move. this constantly-joking, light-hearted gremlin of a man doesn’t do a thing to ease the tension- and he’s so right for that.
he lets the silence stretch on, and Kinn takes his cue: this is his moment to demonstrate his deep remorse and affection for Porsche. so- he starts worshipping him. smartly, he doesn’t move in for a kiss first- this would put them on too equal footing- not until they both get caught up in the heat together.
when they do kiss, Porsche grabs Kinn’s chin and gently pulls him away, and Kinn nods to him in reassurance. I like to think he’s saying it’s OK to surrender, that he’s safe with him- and once again, that was all the reassurance Porsche needed.
damn Tumblr’s 10 image limit to hell because Kinn’s expressions of pure, utter joy when Porsche touches him back is just incredible. Porsche mirrors (heh) that joy right back, delighted in his ability to make this man weak in the best possible way. it’s a beautiful, sexy sliver of happiness in the middle of the unstable chaos that is their reality- and really, their relationship.
and afterwards, when Porsche grabs Kinn as tightly to him as he can, Kinn in near-tears pressed against his shoulder? Porsche’s face tight with his own emotions and empathy for the man in his arms? there’s this feeling of inevitability; that they couldn’t pull themselves away from each other if they wanted to…come what may.
The relationship dynamics in KinnPorsche are very unhealthy and that is exactly what I signed up for yes inject it straight into my veins.
Yeah I am not for the handwringing and moralising when it comes to this show, because we’re getting exactly what was promised and it’s entertaining as hell. These people run drugs, guns and probably people, supported by heavy amounts of violence and murder, like they aren’t meant to be moral, ethical characters. They play dirty, and to win, in all aspects of life, why not in their relationships?
I’m here to tell you that enjoying every fucked up twisted moment of this does not make you a bad person. Fantasy exists to allow us as humans a safe outlet for our desires, especially those considered socially unacceptable. The real people involved in creating the fantasy, the illusion, are safe and unharmed. The people engaging with the fantasy are enjoying it as just that: a fantasy aka not real.
The fantasy is aimed at and marketed to people who are meant to be mature enough to see it for what it is, and to distinguish between the morality and ethics of real life and those of a deeply immoral, fundamentally unethical fictional universe. There are no good guys in this story, only various shades of bad. To root for a character to attain their super-objective does not require approval, only empathy with the character and their story. The character has only to be relatable. And relating to a bad person requires acceptance and forgiveness of the part of us that maybe wishes it could be bad. Which is a whole nother thing I’m not diving into here, but the bottom line is that there’s nothing wrong with allowing yourself to root for the fantasy of a murderous mafia boss finding a tainted love with his bodyguard.
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We only see Vegas’ reflection because we only see Vegas as whatever he chooses to be for a person to manipulate them. He is only a reflection, not his true self. He stands in front of the mirror as if he decides what to look like and what mask he picks for the next person.
The mirror also symbolises that Vegas is a two-faced person.
So I read an excellent post by yeetlegay (here) about Porsche’s headspace in episode 5, most notably how Kinn and Porsche are on different wavelengths because Porsche consented to sex with feelings, and all of Kinn’s behaviour the next day appears to be refuting that. It got me thinking a bit more about Porsche and sex (well, more than I already was…). Because we know about Kinn and sex. For Kinn, sex appears to be a physical release, a pleasurable interlude, and a relatively emotionless encounter. But for Porsche?
We see Porsche picking up girls twice. The first time, in episode 1, there’s a woman alone at the bar checking him out. The second time, in episode 5…there’s a woman alone at the bar checking him out.
(Brief pause to ask the audience: how often do you go to bars alone? All the femmes in the audience: never!!)
In episode 1 I chalked it up to lazy storytelling on behalf of the production team. By episode 5 I worship the ground the production team walk on, and am convinced that this is deliberate. And then there’s this scene, Porsche teaching his homies how to serve the wealthy ladies:
We assume that Porsche is talking about tips for drinks…but he might not be.
The other dynamic that’s interesting here is Yok. Yok likes her customers to be happy, whether they’re drunk Tankhuns or ladies with money to burn. And she knows what makes the latter happy.
We see Porsche picking up girls twice. Both times, it’s a woman who’s come alone to visit a bar with a handsome bartender and a bar owner who seems happy to nudge him towards them. Am I saying Porsche is a sex worker? Hmmm, on this evidence, no. Am I saying Porsche thinks of himself as a sex worker? No way. Am I saying that Porsche likes making people happy, wants to make his boss happy, probably thinks it’s fine cos he’s getting something out of it too, doesn’t mind that it seems to keep happening more and more often, that it starts to become expected of him, that it doesn’t matter if he’s tired or not in the mood or –
You see those wealthy chicks? Just give them what they want. They have no lovers, only money. You just need to praise them. And when they give you money…[slaps his hands together hard]
For Kinn, sex is physical, pleasurable and emotionless. And for Porsche…it’s the same. Except it’s also transactional. It’s what he does to make others happy. And maybe it’s not something he’s done for himself in a long time. So when Kinn kisses him on the pier, when he asks Pete if you can kiss someone you don’t like…Porsche is suddenly presented with a chance to sleep with someone who likes him, actually likes him.
So yeah, hell, he consented to sex with feelings. And that’s why Kinn treating him like shit the next day breaks his little heart all over again, because apparently there were no feelings at all and Kinn just wanted to use him and walk away just like everyone else.
