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One Year Later - Part 8

Summary: You and the Mandalorian had been through so much together. You’d become a mother to his foundling and a partner to him. You were in love and you didn’t think that anything could ruin that but after Din hands the child over to his kind. Things fall apart.

Pairings: Din Djarin x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3, I have chosen not to leave warnings for this chapter as I don’t want to give the plot away. Read at your own peril… unless you’re under 18… in that case, jog on!

Notes: So…. soz this took so long. This chapter was particularly hard for me to write as elements of it are close to me as I’ve been struggling to similar issues. I hope this was worth the wait and I will try update this a little sooner than I have. A little shorter but I didn’t feel like this particular chapter needed to be longer

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,Part 7

You threw the scanner away angrily, desperately trying to keep your tears at bay so that Din wouldn’t hear you. The reading it had given you was the same one it had given you for the last four months.

You weren’t pregnant.

You knew these things took time but you didn’t understand why you’d gotten pregnant by accident with Mae yet now you were actively trying it wasn’t happening. You were so sure this time. The symptoms had all been there and you were late… over a week yet the scanner didn’t lie.

You weren’t looking forward to telling Din that you still weren’t pregnant, the disappointment in his eyes after each failed attempt was heartbreaking.

It had been six months since you’d started. Six months of hopes being dashed each time the scanner told you no. Din had been good about it all at the start. Telling you it was okay and that it would happen when the time was right but he’d also started to withdraw.

You looked up to see him limp into the home you both shared, his expression weary from a day’s work in the ponds. He’d gotten to work as soon as he was able and you’d been glad of the distraction it gave him. Something to take his mind off of all this.

“Where’s Mae?” He asked as he looked around for his daughter.

“With Winta and the other kids. Omera’s keeping an eye on them.” You replied and he nodded before his eye caught sight of the scanner that you’d haphazardly thrown across the room and his shoulders slumped.

He didn’t ask but you knew he knew and your heart sank a little further as you watched him clean himself up.

“Din-“

“It’ll happen when it happens.” He said simply and you sighed.

“What if it never does?”

He stopped to look at you. Tears formed in his eyes as his lips started to form the words he was about to say.

“Then it wasn’t meant to be.” He replied before limping into your shared bedroom to change his clothes.

You sighed to yourself as your eyes drifted to the scanner. Your hand, absentmindedly, settled over your empty womb. You wished you could give Din the thing he now so desperately craved. You hated what this was doing to you both because the truth of the matter was it was impossible to tell why it wasn’t happening. It hadn’t helped that as each month went by, you were less intimate with each other. You knew it wasn’t something you could force but it was a vital part of what you were trying to accomplish.

After having a little cry. You composed yourself and went about preparing dinner for your family. When Din was changed and bathed he went to collect Mae, not even a glance was thrown your way as he made his way out of the hut and into the evening light. You felt a pang of anger surge through you at his behaviour towards you and you started to wonder… Does he blame you for this?

When he returned with Mae, he placed her in her seat before taking one himself as you threw down a plate of food for him before taking yours outside, not wanting to eat in his presence.

Din watched you leave. His heart ached in his chest at your coldness towards him but he supposed he deserved it. He didn’t know how to be towards you. He hated that he couldn’t give you a child and he knew in his soul that it was his fault. It was obvious to him that he was the problem. He was sure his accident was to blame for his inability to give you another child.

He watched Mae as she fed herself, unable to comprehend how far she’d come since he first laid eyes on her. She had grown so much in the short time she’d been around and he was so proud of the little person she’d grown to be. She was a kind soul, always worrying over him when he stumbled or showed any sign of discomfort. For someone so small, nothing slipped her notice.

When he put Mae down, he made his way outside where you were sitting there tearful in your chair. His heart shattered at the sight. He hated to see you cry. Hated to inflict any pain on you but this situation was hurting you both. So perhaps it was time to call quits.

“What do you want Din?” You asked, noticing him hovering just out of sight.

“I think we need to stop.” He stated and your head whipped up.

“Stop what?” You asked, your tone a little panicked.

“It’s clear to me that another baby isn’t an option for us so I think it’s best we stop trying.” He said plainly and your heart twisted “It hurts too much.”

“Okay.” You replied simply, nodding lamely before looking over at the sunset in the distance.

“Okay?” He asked, unsure of how you truly felt at that moment.

“Okay.” You repeated, shrugging your shoulders.

“You agree?” He pushed and you sighed.

“If you don’t want another baby then fine. We’ll stop trying.” You scoffed “You clearly aren’t that bothered about it as you need to be intimate to make a child and we seldom are anymore. Then when I tell you I’m not pregnant you just tell me it’ll happen when it happens or it wasn’t meant to be as.”

“I want a baby.” He choked “More than anything, you know that but it’s just not happening and I can’t bear seeing how it hurts you.”

“It hurts me more when you ice me out.” You scoffed “I’m sorry I can’t get pregnant but-“

“I don’t blame you.” He interrupted and your mouth snapped shut “It’s clear my accident is to blame for this and I’m sorry that I can’t give you another baby.” He sobbed “I wish I could but…” He trailed off, tears slipping down his cheeks and your expression softened at that.

“Maybe we should stop.” You said softly as you gave him a small nod “I don’t want this to tear us apart.”

“I don’t want that either.” He confirmed and you gave him a weak smile before gathering your crockery and getting to your feet.

“Then we’re in agreement.” You said simply before walking inside.

Din knew you. Knew you weren’t happy with this situation but he knew he couldn’t keep getting his hopes up, only for them to fall to pieces again. He still believed that if it was meant to be it would happen in time but for now… It was best to just stop trying.

A few weeks passed and you and Din didn’t broach the subject of another baby again. The two of you returned to a form of normal. You focus your energy on the family you did have. Instead of the family, you longed for… And that helped you to a degree.

Then in the blink of an eye, two months had gone by and it seemed like that pain had all but dissipated. That was until Kira in the village fell pregnant and suddenly all that hurt returned. You were happy for her of course. Recently married and was completely in love but as her pregnancy progressed, it started to get hard to be happy for her.

You started to withdraw, spending less time with her and your female friends who couldn’t help but coo over her as she started to show more and more. You felt bitterness towards her and despite knowing it was wrong, you couldn’t help it. Kira had been one of your closest friends. She’s supported you through your pregnancy and you’d be lying if you said you could have done it without her. Yet when she went through hers, you found it almost impossible to give her that same support you gave her.

Din noticed and called you upon it. Told you it was selfish how you were behaving and you knew he was right yet still you couldn’t help it. The pain you felt was just too much to bear and so you chose to close yourself off from it.

From the people, you called your friends.

Omera could see you were struggling yet still found herself angry at you. It wasn’t Kira’s fault yours and Din’s attempts to get pregnant had come to nought. She didn’t deserve to suffer because you were jealous of her circumstances. So when Kira has felt the baby move for the first time and you’d just walked away, she decided enough was enough.

“You’ve been terrible to Kira!” She stated, following you into your home.

“What?” You snapped, turning on your heels to face her.

“She’s going through something so exciting and you want zero part of it.” She snapped, her eyes wide and angry “She supported you through it all. She deserves the same from you.”

“Omera I-“

“I’m sorry your attempts to get pregnant were frivolous but that doesn’t give you the right to push her away.”

“I can stand there and be happy for her when it hurts so much.” You yelled as you choked on a sob “I wanted another baby so much and then each month we came up empty and it just killed me inside.” You sobbed “It’s hard to be happy for someone who’s getting something you want so badly.”

“I understand that.” Omera sighed but you groaned.

“Din just decided to stop trying altogether.” Stated and you sighed “To the point where he doesn’t want to be physical at all.”

Omera couldn’t hide the shock that spread across her face.

“We sleep separately now.” You sobbed “He doesn’t love me anymore. I’m sure of it and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this Omera.”

“I don’t-“

“I wish we’d never started trying.” You cried, almost frantically now “If we’d never started we wouldn’t be so broken right now.”

“These sorts of situations can be the making or breaking of relationships,” Omera confessed “You get so in your head about it that it consumes you.”

“I love him.”

“I know” She replied softly “And he loves you.”

You scoffed at her reply and she sighed, scraping a hand over her tired face.

“I am sure that he does.” She continued after a short pause “But he is clearly not dealing with this very well.” You snorted and she felt her patience wear thin at “Talk to him.” She said plainly before turning to leave “Before you lose everyone.”

Your jaw dropped as you watched her leave, mind whirring as you thought about her statement. You knew you’d been selfish but you couldn’t help it. You felt like your life was falling apart and you had no way of stopping it.

…

You watched Din potter around the house, poking his head in to check on Mae before finally allowing himself to take a seat on his cot in the living area and throwing his tired face into his hands.

“What happened to us?” You asked after a few tense moments.

“What?” He asked, looking up at you as his brows knitted together.

“We were happy.” You choked, eyes not wavering “Then we started trying and the longer we’ve gone on, unsuccessful, the more I feel like perhaps you don’t love me anymore.”

“What gives you that impression?” He snapped and you scoff at his obvious cluelessness.

“Well, we don’t even share a bed anymore for a start.” You state, letting out a sturred breath before continuing “You fuck me like once a week but there’s no love in your touches anymore.” You continue, unable to hide the tears now “It’s not pleasurable. You don’t make me cum but of course, you always do.”

His face remains stoic as you speak. Not giving you any clues as to what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling about what it is you’re saying.

“If you don’t love me anymore Din then please just tell me now.” You sobbed, your heart breaking as you speak “But please don’t just up and leave me again. You can’t just leave Mae.”

“I would never-”

“You did once before.” You sobbed and he let out a sigh.

“Are you seriously still holding that against me?” He snapped “I proved to you how sorry I was… I almost died proving to you how sorry I was.” He growled, his own eyes now filling with tears “I lost my ability…”

He couldn’t finish that sentence and you sighed.

“You can walk now Din.” You stated, “You’re getting stronger every day but-”

“That’s not what I meant” He stated and your brows drew together.

“It can’t be a coincidence that I have an accident that leaves me paralysed and then suddenly I can’t get the woman I love pregnant.” He choked and your heart broke for him “It’s obvious that I’m the problem.”

“Din… It’s not your fault.” You said softly, in the hope that it would bring him some semblance of comfort but it did little to calm the waters that were raging within him “These things take time… Mae was obviously a flook.”

“Or I’m infertile now.” He choked and your heart broke for him.

Of course, he blamed himself for this. Not you were hearing it, it seemed obvious that he’d been withdrawn because he was ashamed. Ashamed that he couldn’t get you pregnant.

“Perhaps it really is for the best that we stop trying for another.” You said after a few tense moments of silence, your eyes softening “It’s just hurting us both and Din… I don’t want to lose you again.”

“I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Then come back to me.”