#mention of panic attack

[Nathaniel/Candy] full angst / heavy mention of panic attack

Hospital scene from episode 16 completely rewritten. I’m so slooow to write ;-; 

Words:3464

Author note: Before starting this reading, I would like to highlight Candy’s mental state of this episode. I personally felt a lack of investment as Nath’s girlfriend. If he wasn’t her LI, okay, sure. But as her boyfriend I don’t agree. She saw him bleeding to death a few hours ago and she just leaves? Amber asking Candy to stay alone with Nath? Um, no? I’m not sorry to say that I have the fucking right to be with my boyfriend, as much as her.  

As a writer and as Nath stan, I couldn’t let it pass. I got so much frustrated that I had to rewrite the entire hospital scene because first; I can. Second; Beemov cannot get me away from my man like that. LET ME STAY. And third: I LOVE the angst.  

Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the angst nonetheless ;) 

Candy P.O.V.

Nathaniel has been awake for over an hour now.

A little while ago, Kim and I were interrogated separately by the police about Nath’s assault before they got to question him. Kim assured me soon after that she had repeated word for word Nath’s version. As for me, I did the same with a robotic voice, too tired mentally and physically to pretend to be fine in front of the policemen. They didn’t ask me too much questions, perhaps discerning my torment.

Just after the police left, a nurse came to report on Nathaniel’s state. We were relieved to hear his wound wasn’t too deep and his organs were untouched. However, she also informed us that Nath had a head injury, so they had to keep him under observation until tomorrow to see how his condition is evolving.

My face had blanched during her whole speech, but I didn’t interrupt, unlike Amber who peppered her with so many queries. She acted like a lion mama, nearly throwing a tantrum in the hallway, thankfully Kim was there to calm her down.

The nurse only concluded by saying we could now visit Nathaniel, although not for too long since he was still recovering and probably exhausted by his prior interrogation.

To my surprise, Amber requested to stay alone with him for an unknown reason. I initially didn’t agree, because even if she is his sister, I’m his freaking girlfriend and there was no fucking way I would leave like that! Not without seeing him safe and sound.

Besides, how she asked rubs me the wrong way, like I wasn’t that much important. I acknowledge she has a special bond with her brother, still, it wasn’t a good reason enough to push me aside. I know she has changed and I don’t rightfully hate her anymore, but God, I just wanted to punch her face at that moment.

Hopefully she agreed to let me stay in the end, thanks to Kim who interjected in my favor. However, Amber still demanded to see him by herself first and to avoid another outburst in the hospital, I let her do as she pleased despite my own wish to come along. Only because I would be alone with Nath after as she promised not to be too long.

When Amber left, Kim kindly offered to stick around with me a little longer, to which I refused. While I’m grateful for her concern, I needed to be by myself for a moment. Moreover, I would have felt bad to monopolize her presence just for my sake, because she too, was tired after such a night. She despised the hospital anyway, so, she went home to rest without insisting.

And now I’m on my own in the waiting room for what felt like eternity.

I can’t remember how long I’ve been counting the minutes. The hand of the clock is turning, and yet, time seems to have frozen. It ticks with an annoying sound as if to emphasize the surrounding silence of death, reminding me again and again this disastrous evening.

That deafening noise is taunting me, resounding a little louder as soon as I lose the thread, just to have the pleasure to grab all my attention while I’m waiting to see Nathaniel. I watch it with a rather confusing obsession despite my annoyance.

I hate myself for that, I can’t help but check the seconds spinning through the clock face. Because that noisy thing represents the heartbreaking absence of Nath by my side. Even if I know that on the other side of the wall, he’s alive…

Slumped on my chair, I bring my legs against my chest, my forehead glued to my knees. I need to see him so much …

“Are you all right, Miss?”

I raise my head sharply. Another worried middle-aged nurse is looking at me and I can see pity through her clear eyes. What a sorry sight am I.

“Y-yes.” Great, my voice is shaking. “I … I’m just waiting to see my boyfriend …”

“Oh … is it the boy who arrived at the emergency room earlier?” I only nod, unable to speak at the recall of the events. The nurse sits next to me, her clipboard pad resting on her lap.

“Your boyfriend is safe now, don’t worry.” she begins in a benevolent tone that irks me. “His relative is by his side right now, but you can rest for a while.”

The nurse’s compassion touches me deeply, or maybe it’s tiredness that speaks for me, because I feel my eyes sting a little bit as I’m about to cry any time soon.

“I have to see him first.”

“This evening must have been very hard for you too, you have the right to rest. I’m sure he won’t be angry if you come back later.” She still insists.

“I can’t!” I nearly scream. “I need to see him!”

Unable to contain myself anymore, I hunker down, squeezing my arms so hard that a red mark is blemishing my skin. I can’t go home. Not now, not like that! Not seeing him drives me crazy! I’m exhausted … my whole body is sore.

“Would you like to call someone? Family, friends?”

I shake my head, eyes closed. Her insistence begins to pester me. Why is everyone is completely disregarding my feelings? Amber, the nurse, even Nath. I’m that much insignificant not to have anything to say. My voice, no matter how I yell, is unheard and my opinion not even an option.

Amber had already asked me if she could see him first, alone, and I meekly agreed to make her happy. And yet, I had to fight so I wouldn’t be sent away, still muffled and saved by someone else. The nurse now pushes me to go home for the sake of resting regardless my desire to stay.

And Nath… Damn, he didn’t even wanted to see me at the gym. Kim said she called me because he agreed to, but with the way he acted, I doubt that. He was so stubborn, not listening to anything and facing my lack of power, Kim decided to call the ambulance against his will.

During the ride to the hospital I have wondered; if she hadn’t phoned me, I would have been unaware of Nathaniel’s state since brother and sister like to keep secrets as if I wasn’t part of their life. As if … I was nothing.

“Just leave me. Go away.” I coldly mumble, chasing those memories away.

The nurse doesn’t insist anymore and walk away after reminding me to contact the medical staff if I needed anything. Like hell I would. I feel many eyes on me nonetheless, kept under surveillance from afar. My mental state seems to worry them, but I don’t care. All my thoughts are turned to one person.

I decided to get up after her departure though, to freshen up a bit, the need to walk and think about something else motivating me to move. Specially to avoid their insistent stares, almost too heavy with judgment.

When I see myself in the mirror, I quickly comprehend their dismay. It is anything but glorious … My hair is disheveled, my eyes are swollen from crying and consequently, my mascara has heavily dripped on my cheeks. My white-like face doesn’t really help to improve my condition. I look a fright … The most impressive thing is my clothes stained with blood – his blood –. No wonder the nurses were concerned.

I hurry to make a coarse bun in order to hold my hair in place, then rinse my face, erasing below the neon light all traces of this morbid night. I still look exhausted but at least I’m more presentable.

Once I’m satisfied with my reflection, I go back to my seat. Meanwhile Amber has appeared in my line of sight, coming out of the elevator with a sullen expression. My heart skips a beat and I run to join her.

“Amber!” She glances up at my panicked face and smiles weakly to reassure me as best she could, although it looks more like a grimace.

“I was looking for you. You can go see him.”

“How is he?” I ask, worried about her peaky look.

“The doctors told me he could go home soon. Luckily, he can talk and move despite his head trauma.”

Upon hearing the news, all the pressure on my shoulders evaporates bit by bit. I’m so relieved he is fine…

“Did he …” The blonde cuts me off, shaking her head in negative. He didn’t reveal anything to her either.

I sigh, depressed. Of course, he’s not the type to vent so easily. Even her twin sister doesn’t know everything about him. The few times we spoke indicates that Nathaniel didn’t confide to her as much as she believes to.

“I’m sorry for earlier…” she suddenly resumes, changing the subject. “… for insisting to see my brother alone. But please understand that I needed to talk to him. Nothing against you.”

I’m taken off guard by her sudden apologies. I really didn’t expect it at all to be honest…

“I… It’s fine. I guess.” I articulate, dumbfounded.

She averts her eyes, probably feeling too guilty to look at me directly. “I may have overreacted.”

“You did. And to tell you the truth, it hurt me.”  I frankly blurt out.

“So honest, as always. I like that about you.” She lets out a small laugh and I smile in return. I’m glad she noticed her wrongdoing and asked for my forgiveness. She was as anxious as I was, so, I can understand in a sense. And to be fair, I’d probably request the same in her shoes if she wasn’t her relative…

“Thank you again for being there for him … Thank you for everything. You saved his life.” She sobs in a weak voice, taking my hands in hers.

I lower my eyes at her statement, not sure to deserve gratitude. I didn’t do anything. Kim saved Nathaniel while I was watching him, helpless. My conscience planting arrows in my heart keeps me quiet, not knowing what to answer.

Amber’s hand pulls me out of my thoughts by squeezing mine. She stares without saying anything, her message mute. I only notice now that her green eyes have lost their sparkle, filled with remorse too.

“I’m going to his flat to bring some clothes and feed Blanche. I’ll be back soon.” she informs, gently releasing my hand. “Watch over him, please. He’s waiting for you.”

I just agree in silence, the knot around my neck tightening slightly. I don’t waste more time to watch her go and fly to the elevator. And damn the seconds feel like hours in the lift. I’ve waited so long to see Nath that I tremble like a leaf out of stress.

My anxiety is only amplifying, trapped in this metallic box. The walls come off as an oppressive cage, shrinking around me. I feel like I’m suffocating … It makes my mind runs wild, what I’ve striven to push back in my mind suddenly arises with brutality.

My boyfriend is laying in a hospital bed after an attempted murder.

The bloodcurdling realization I could have lost him forever tears me from inside. I remember too well watching him bleed to death. I can still smell the blood, see the light in his eyes weakening and his life being taken away slowly…

I struggle in vain to hold back my suffering, but it’s far beyond my strength. I can’t help but dwell on the events, unable to think of anything but his twisted face of pain, the gaping wound and the pool of blood.

It wasn’t an accident. Someone tried to end his life.

Stop!I must not panic. Do not panic!

Nathaniel is fine, Nathaniel is fine … I repeat these words like a mantra.

Focusing on dominating my terror, I close my eyes for a moment and inhale deeply. My breath is shaking, but I keep taking deep breath to calm the frantic beat in my chest. My body is agitated with nervous spasms, I squeeze my hands hard to stop my tremors. Carefully … slowly … I’m breathing.

At long last the elevator stops and after a soft “ding”, slides open. The overwhelming gasp of air at the opening wakes me up from my horrifying trance, my lungs finally accepting some oxygen. After a gulp, I’m resolved to get out and stand right in front his room. I enter with a gentle push on the door which creaks faintly under the pressure of my fingers.

What I see behind crushes my heart. Nathaniel seems to have fallen asleep, but his features are drawn, denoting extreme fatigue. His face is still a little pale, but slowly picks some colors up again. His left eye is slightly swollen, as are his knuckles. There was no doubt he tried to defend himself against his aggressors as much as he could.

I pinched my lips so as not to break down again, shaken beyond word by his atypical vulnerability. I must be strong. I shed enough tears.

At some point, I finally allow myself to approach with catlike stealth to avoid waking him up. My hand smooths his golden hair, brushing aside wet strands on his forehead. Softly … fearing of hurting him more. With the same care, I stroke his damaged hands in hope it would erase the marks of his fight. I wish I could take all of his pain…

“You’re here…”

I jump, startled. Nathaniel is awake. He painfully opens his eyelids to gaze at me. I’d like to answer something, but on the verge of tears, words are strangled in my throat.

“I’d have preferred to welcome you in some other way.” he continues with a sheepish smile in an effort to relax the atmosphere. Except it provokes the opposite of the desired effect.

He looks at me, his eyes filled with grief. His hand frees itself from mine to caress my cheek and I close my eyes to enjoy his touch full of tenderness. I barely notice him wiping a tear that has escaped against my will. And here I promised myself not to cry anymore. Damn it…

“I ruined our date again.” He feebly murmurs. “Forgive me.”

I shake my head, eyelids firmly closed. Other tears flood with me powerless to stop it. Nath remains silent, busy to dry all the sad pearls rolling on my skin.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you idiot …” I end to whisper with a trembling voice. “We’ll have other dates. I just want you to heal quickly.”

I swallow my tears somehow and finally open my eyes to offer him the best smile I could do. Nevertheless, he only observes me without saying anything, his look indecipherable. His eyes glint with a dark and melancholy glow, almost seeking to penetrate my thoughts.

His face seems tortured, preoccupied, a frown on his forehead. A voice in my head hisses that pain is not the main cause. Anxiety, anger, guilt, maybe something else. I’m not sure what I can read. He carries my hand to his lips and kisses it with infinite love, contrasting with his painful expression.

Nath, is there something you’re not telling me?

The rustling sound of sheets catches my attention all of sudden. My veiled eyes immediately fall on Nathaniel who’s trying to get up, his face disfigured in pain.

“Nath!” With an unsteady step, I try to lie him down but this obstinate man resists.

“I just want to sit down, I’m tired of laying.” He insists.

“Don’t be foolish, you have to rest! Imagine if your wound opens again!”

I’m unsuccessfully trying to convince him, but he is too adamant and completely deaf to my protests. I shortly give up, helpless in front of his stubbornness, and put his cushion in a way he can lean on it without hurt. It takes him a few minutes to find the right position.

“It doesn’t hurt too much?” I ask as I sit on the mattress to get closer.

“I’m fine … I’ve experienced worse.”

Worse? What can be worse than being stabbed in the abdomen? Could it be related to the scar on his lips? To his father? My face runs out of blood just imagining it. Facing my frightened look, Nath takes my hand again squeezes it more firmly.

“No wait! I mean …” he resumes with difficulty. “… I’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“How could you …” His thumb lays on my lower lip to keep me quiet, fondly brushing it.

“I’m fine, okay? That’s all you need to think about now.”

“But you nearly killed yourself, how could you expect me to stay calm after that? Nath, you could have died!”

“What happened, happened. And I’m still alive.”

What the hell! I know he wants to be reassuring but he can’t tell me that like that, as if it was something trivial!

“Listen to me,” He begins but I refuse to hear his nonsense. I drop and shake my head. The situation is so absurd, it makes me crazy! It’s a nightmare. Breathing becomes difficult again, I feel like choking once more.

Sensing my distress, Nath cups my face and forces me to look at him. “Listen to me!”

He gives me time to calm myself before carrying on. I stare back with a look in which an unreasonable dread is reflected. I know I’m overreacting but …

“You’re afraid.” I’m not. I’m terrified. “I understand, I really do. But look, I’m fine.”

He caresses my cheeks with lots affection and so much care to put me at peace, but I’m still shivering so much. However, my body is less stiff now, soothed by his voice.

“I’m fine…” He calmly repeats again, insisting on this point until I stop shuddering. “All I need is my girlfriend by my side. This night has been painful enough for you and for me… We both need to rest. Just let me enjoy your company. Is it too much to ask?”

I have to admit he’s right. He is indeed fine. He survived and is certainly exhausted by his injury. I was so preoccupied by my own fear I forgot the most important; taking care of him. Ashamed, I lower my eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

“No don’t be, love.” He murmurs, putting his forehead against mine. “I’m the one who should be. You deserve so much better than that.”

“Shut up.” I sob. Our faces are so close, caressed by our breath, yet I feel so far away from him, an unbreakable wall between us. And I know… he is the one building it, pushing me away. Again.

“Come.” He simply finishes by opening his arms. He wants us to cuddle.

“Your wound, it could open …” I weakly protest, fighting against my own desire to snuggle against him.

“My right side is fine.” Nath persists. I don’t want him to suffer … My hesitation crumbles a little more when he softly pleads:

“I need you in my arms …”

I don’t want to start a quarrel, especially in these conditions. I’m too tired anyway. Besides, I’d lie if I said I don’t want to be in his arms too …

Short of argument, I breathe: “Promise me to tell me if you’re in pain.”

He simply nods, and I give up. With caution, I go around the right side of the bed where he’s not injured. I’m careful not to lean too much upon him, my side propped against his cushion, but my head finds its way to the crook his neck. His right arm slides around my waist and presses me a little more against him despite my reluctance, yet I oppose no resistance. His soothing heartbeat under my palm relaxes me. He is still alive…

Being in his arms drains all energies I had left, in other word, almost none. My eyes close when he brushes a warmth kiss full of comfort on the top of my head. I’m just so weak even though I should be the one who supports him. I can’t help myself thinking I must do more than complaining and crying.

He silences me when I word my thoughts and confesses that being here is more than enough. Actually, it is what he needs the most according to him so, I’m not arguing. After all, a nurse is coming soon to kick me out and I don’t want to leave him with a pointless fight.

Silence now surrounds us. Not a single word is shared anymore. We are just enjoying each other presence…

… as if it would be the last time.