Things never change, I’m still too slow to write. Completely rewritten as well.
Words:3864
Author note: I succeded to finish this before my vacation… Yay! I’ll be abroad for 2 weeks :) I need holliday so much, you have no idea. Anyway, enjoy! No smut here. I don’t even know how I can write it after this…
Candy P.O.V
Nath is recovering better than expected. It was with relief that I attended, alongside Amber, Nathaniel’s last examination which were, thanks God, all very good. I was glad to hear his head trauma didn’t damage any part of his brain; Nath can move, speak, hear and his memory capacity doesn’t seem affected.
The only real problem is his flank injury, and although he’s healing quickly, the doctor strongly advised him to take it easy with sport, especially since my boyfriend is boxing.
“You should avoid too intense activities.” had concluded the doctor.
“With a personal nurse as pretty as mine, I can’t promise you anything doctor.” That idiot had responded with a suggestive wink in my direction.
Amber had scolded him, very strict with her brother recovery, and here I was blushing stupidly without knowing what to answer. The doctor had just laughed softly, very amused by the comeback of his patient but hadn’t replied to his salacious remark, except that the wound shouldn’t open as long the efforts were not too important.
Fortunately, Nath added nothing to embarrass me further… his twin sister would have stopped him anyway. He’d just chuckled to himself when he saw my flustered state. Nath was enjoying this way too much. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
“You are beautiful today.” Nath says as soon as we arrive at his apartment, suddenly pulling me out of my thoughts.
We’ve just returned home that he had immediately hugged me, his face nuzzling in the crook of my neck. I shudder while feeling his breath on my skin. He’s taking advantage of Amber’s absence since she has a photo shoot the whole day. He couldn’t do much when he was at the hospital.
To say the truth, Nath has changed. He has become extremely tactile since that awful night. His hands are always looking for mine, his lips wander more often on my skin, his fingers are more easily lost in my hair.
Before his assault, he was more conscious with his touch, always slipping away when things became more heated. Like a frustrating gentleman. I could tell he was fearing to touch me more than he was allowed to, but now it seems like he cannot stop it. I won’t complain about his change of behavior, I’m myself clingier with him.
“You’re exaggerating. And what do you mean by today?"
"Never.” he retorts, lingering an affectionate kiss on my hand. “You are beautiful every day, but what I mean is you are particularly breathtaking today."
"The medicines make you crazy.” I put a finger on his lips as he tries to take mine. “Or you’re looking for something."
"Maybe …” My sly boyfriend grabs my finger between his lips and sucks it tenderly, eyes glued to mine. This idiot, my idiot, really does his best to seduce me. Another perk of his changing attitude. If he wasn’t hurt, I would gladly let myself go to his embrace without a thought but …
“The doctor said no."
"The doctor said to be careful, not that was forbidden."
"The medicines make you crazy.” I repeat, holding a laugh.
I somehow extricate myself from his grip thanks to Blanche who came to greet us by rubbing on our legs. The blond-head grumbles a little bit but doesn’t try anything more. For now, at least.
I roam in his room while he picks Blanche up to pet her. It warms my heart to watch them together, you can see how much they missed each other during Nath’s hospitalization. The white cat cannot stop rubbing her face on his while Nathaniel fondly pets her, maybe to reassure her after two days of absence. Animals perceive those things better than humans, she must feel that her master isn’t feeling well. It’s so cute I’m gonna die of fluffiness.
“There’s no better medicine than having my girls in my arms.” he says, embracing me with his free arm and I only hum in agreement.
None of us dares to bring up the incident, too afraid to talk about it, although we know that sooner or later, we’ll have to. I just want to enjoy the present, this moment with Nath and think about nothing else, as if we are alone in the world. Feeling him, his breath, his touch, his heartbeat.
It’s not right to turn a blind eye and shut myself from my surrounding, but I don’t care. In this apartment, our own happy bubble free of trouble and pain, the outside doesn’t exist anymore. There is me, Nath and the cute Blanche. No cartel, no police.
My eyes close half way. I’m just a coward who can’t face reality.
“Do you remember the first gift you gave me?” Nath asks out of blue.
I blink, a bit puzzled. My first gift was from high school.
“The first… are you talking about the sweatshirt on your birthday?"
"Close enough, but not what I had in mind."
I frown, trying to focus. I’m fiddling with my memory to seek for a clue, but nothing comes to my mind. Nath inwardly chuckles, more amused than annoyed by my oversight, and frees me to lay Blanche down in her condo. She raises her head, confused to be disturbed in her nap but quickly keeps sleeping after a few strokes behind her ear.
I see Nath searching for something inside his drawers, then soon coming back to me with a stuffed toy between his hands and I open my eyes wide in surprise. A heat wave suddenly rushes over my face, maliciously making me go red as a beetroot.
"Y-you kept that?!” I exclaim, mortified. My hands on my cheeks confirm my face is overheating, I’m indeed blushing. It’s so embarrassing that I have to turn my back, so he doesn’t see me redden even more. That doesn’t stop him to burst out laughing, on the contrary, he’s ignoring my obvious discomfiture. Jerk!
Without a word, I feel him spooning me from behind, his body molds perfectly to mine. There’s no stuffed toy in his hands, he probably drops it off on his desk. Shame stiffened my body despite Nathaniel’s sweetness, but I slightly relax when he kisses my bare shoulder.
“Don’t be embarrassed.” he tenderly murmurs and his breath grazing my skin gives me goose bumps.
“How can’t I when you’re teasing me…?” I pout.
“I’m not teasing."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I’m not."
"Shut up." I mumble and he chuckles. "What about the sweatshirt, by the way? I never saw you with it."
"I still have it, I’m just not wearing it anymore."
"Why not?” I ask with a touch of bitterness. I remember spending hours with Rosa finding the perfect present for him as nothing was good enough for me. Now he says he doesn’t wear anymore.
“Well… it’s a bit small for me now.” He admits a bit sheepishly.
I raise an eyebrow, doubtful. I turn around and take a step back to eye him. He blushes a bit seeing me checking him out shamelessly. He indeed has more muscles than before…
“Can you stop ogling me like that?"
"Just checking you’re not fooling me.” I reply as I go back between his arm to feel his torso under my palm, near his heart. It’s nice to feel him like this. Warm and alive.
“You’re mocking me.” He emphasizes with a I-don’t-trust-you-look.
“You did it first."
"Let me close that mouth of yours."
I try to sneak away before he could get me, just to tease him, however he brings me back to him with no effort. He settles the matters with a demanding kiss that I struggle to escape, but no to avail, he tightens his grip in a more possessive way. I could draw away from his arms by biting his lip, yet it only encourages him to go further to which I respond with too much vigor and passion.
Hell, I’m too carried away by the sensuality of Nath’s tongue, my body liquifies into blaze beneath his mouth and fingers. Between two kisses, heavy pants and deep moans shatters the seductive silence, and my resolution to pull away from him is melting like snow under the sunray. Slowly… languorously … taking its time like his lips on mine.
My eyelids only open when he moves away to catch his breath.
"That’s enough for now.” I gasp.
“Then later?"
"We’ll see…"
He just smiles but doesn’t let me go. He’ll be the end of me.
"You know, I hesitated to give it to you. The stuffed toy, I mean.” I confess, completely comfortable now. I give up on moving away.
“What made you hesitate?"
I smooth my palms on his shoulders before answering.
"I thought you might not like it … Usually boys aren’t into those things."
"I assure you, I loved your gift just because it came from you. That’s why I still have it. It’s too precious to me."
I happily beam thanks to his confession, he grins back by mimicry. My arms is knotting around his neck and he immediately hold me tighter. Our bodies are slowly moving in a timid waltz., we dance in a rhythm devoid of music, eye to eye. The tip of our nose brushes, our breaths mix together, there is minimum space between us, just enough to talk. It seems almost magical.
"I was happy you thought of me.” he continues in a low voice, accentuating this intimate moment. “ It was the first time I received something without ulterior motive."
"You can be cute when you want to, even though you’re teasing.” I purr against his lips. My fingers are playing with his golden hair.
“I didn’t bring up this to tease you. That was just a bonus."
He takes my hands and spins me before pulling me in his embrace again. He brushes a fond kiss on my forehead, and we continue to swing.
"You’re good at dancing."
"I’m good at a lot of things. I can show you if you let me.” His tone is much more suggestive.
“You wish.” I laugh but kiss lightly the tip of his lips anyway. “Why did you show me the stuffed toy? You had a point, didn’t you?"
We suddenly stop to dance, too brutally. Nath doesn’t move away though, he just stares back absently, as if he doesn’t see me, his gaze lost between past and present. He doesn’t say a single word when he grabs my wrist and brings it to his lips, closing his eyes as if to savor the taste and texture of my skin.
"Nath …?"
His unexpected reaction is scaring me. I stroke his cheek to encourage him to confide in me, confused by his sudden change of behavior. Enigmatic, a simple smile stretches on his lips. A smile that sounds wrong.
"Do you remember that day?” he inquires.
I only nod. I do remember. Amber wanted to cheat for the exam. She took the keys from Nath to access to the staff room and stole the exams. Nathaniel could have been expelled … He had no other choice than give her a lesson. She was excluded for a week.
“You didn’t know that yet, but I was beaten again by my father that day. The whole week even. It was hell. Amber complained that I excluded her for no reason. Of course, I never was mad at my sister, she didn’t know what happened."
He was… beaten? Because of that? It wasn’t even his fault! How could it be so unfair?
He looks away to avoid my eyes, ashamed. No, Nath. Please, don’t be.
"I felt really bad that day. I felt guilty. I thought it might be my fault, I should have handled it differently.” he continues, and I realize he needs to speak out, so I keep quiet. Supportive, I cup his face and give him a reassuring smile. I feel him relaxing to my embrace.
“When you came to comfort me, when you gave me that stuffed toy … It’s a little ridiculous to say, but I had the impression you offered me a part of you. Being beaten hurt less."
"Oh Nath …"
I bite my lip, my body agitated by his confession, the atrocity of his story makes me tremble like a leaf. Seeing me shaking, he puts his hand on mine and squeezes it gently. The contrast between my small hand and his rougher and damaged is striking. He kisses my knuckles to appease me, or to appease himself, grasping anything that could assure him he’s far away from this. Safe.
"So, don’t be embarrassed by your gift. Just like the day we went to adopt Blanche, this is one of my most precious memories of you."
He squeezes me closer against him and puts his forehead against mine.
"I want you to know it. You are and you will be the best thing that happened to me in my life."
Nath … I may be wrong, but I have the feeling that you are trying to tell me something else. Although I can’t tell why, my heart is heavy. Is it the thousand emotions dancing in his eyes I dread? I can see it, he tries to formulate other sentences, but once again, his words die between his lips, suspended in the silence and I remain a stranger to his tumultuous thoughts.
"It’s okay.” I reassure him.
He lowers his eyes, perhaps feeling shameful for not being able to express himself better than this. I cup his face and pepper his cheeks with kiss until he offers me a real smile. I don’t ever want to see him sad.
“I’m sorry …” he breathes, bitterness and sadness vibrating his voice. His brief answer makes me understand that he doesn’t want to dwell on the subject further despite his uneasy attempt. His face is tense with remorse, and I do not insist regardless all the questions that come to my mind.
I wish he would talk to me, but more than anything, I wish I could to take all his pain away, erase all those bad memories and replace them with happier ones. To appease his regrets, I smooth his face.
“It’s okay.” I repeat.
Nath’s hands plunge into my hair cascading my shoulders to reassure me. He noticed my sour expression. I smile, or I try to convince myself that’s a smile on my face and not a grimace.
He stops his caress and sighs, moving his hand away from my skin, as if he doesn’t deserve to touch it. I take it back and intertwine with mine.
“Can I tell you a secret too?"
"Which one? You’re hopelessly crazy about me?” He tries to joke to lighten the mood.
“Jeez, not that. Anyway, I must admit my first gift wasn’t without interest."
He stares at me, surprised. "What do you mean?” he asks, anxious, and gnaws his lower lip. I laugh deep inside and try my best to conceal a grin, he’s so cute …
“Actually … I already had a crush on you. I thought you were really cute, and I wanted you to notice me."
"Really, you…” He sighs, relieved. I crack up in front of his dismay and he spanks me as punishment. “Stop laughing, naughty girl, you scared me!"
Mischievous, I pull my tongue out. He raises an eyebrow, amused.
"Just confess already. You’re crazy about me."
"No.” I playfully refuse. “By the way, I wasn’t the only one, a lot of girls had a crush on you. Do you even know how hard it was for me?"
"Really? In my memories, girls were more attracted to the bad boy style. I was far from being popular."
His curiosity a little too cheerful for my taste bothers me. Am I dreaming or does he actually like it? I frown and pout.
"Why are you so happy to learn that?"
"I like the idea that you already liked me."
"Uh really?” I glare at him with an accusing look. “Just me or the other girls too?"
His widening smile gets on my nerves. He doesn’t even try to deny it!
"So, you really like to attract other girls!” I accuse him and slaps his shoulder. He bursts into laughter on top of that, that boor! The teaser being teased back. “Nath, stop laughing!"
"Sorry, sorry. You were so cute.” he apologizes with a wide smile, not in the least sorry.
He aims at my lips to calm me, but I turn my head away. I refuse letting him kiss me in these conditions. Far from getting discouraged, he plays with a strand of my hair, still with that cocky smirk I wish I could erase. Haa, he upsets me.
“I told you before you are the only one, princess.” he whispers in my ear and my body vibrates in spite of me, especially when he begins to wander on my hips, my back, … everywhere his hands could reach. With a caress, he moves my hair away from my neck, revealing my skin exposed to his feverish kiss. He first sucks it tenderly, then harder to leave a hickey and I let out a cry that sounds a little too erotic for my taste. He’s enjoying it, that idiot … as much as I do.
“Humph … I’m sure you’d preferred your fan club giving to you a stuffed toy like I did.” I scoff.
I know I’m ridiculous to react that way. I sound like a whining kid begging for his attention … But I can’t help myself, even when his hands slip under my top to fondle my skin. He won’t get away with kisses, as intoxicating as they are.
“Just like Melody gave you lots of presents too when we were in high school.” I add without thinking.
Nath stops and looks up at me, visibly annoyed.
“Please not her…"
"Why not? She was crazy about you in high school …” I try to justify myself with a small voice. I don’t even know why I’m insisting so much. Jealousy is speaking in my stead.
“I don’t care about her, she’s fake. I hate that kind of girl who pretend to be saints. You’re much better than she is."
Too late to praise me, idiot.
"Did you know that when she found out about us, she always made stinging remarks to me?"
"Tch. I’m not even surprised. She was the first one to turn her back on me. What a bitch."
It’s true she spoke ill of him behind his back the first time I ran into her. To believe that she was only interested in the perfect Nathaniel without any flaws. And now she does the same with Mr. Zaidi. She’ll definitely never change.
"Do you really want to keep talking about other girls?"
No. "Yes.” I say instead. “She wasn’t the only one, there were girls from other classes who were eyeing you all the time."
"Aren’t you exaggerating a bit too much?"
"Oh no, I could see how they were devouring you with their eyes, and now it’s even worse!"
He laughs when he sees me sulk and I roll my eyes, exasperated by his casualness especially when I see his orbs sparkling in amusement. Frowning, I clench my jaw and swallow somehow a list of insults that comes to my lips. He does enjoy the situation a bit too much.
"Do you know how cute you are when you’re jealous?” he said to change the subject, brushing his fingertip on my neck where he left his mark. I shudder at this contact and hold my breath, hypnotized by his bewitching fingers. My heartbeat is racing, and I’m almost forgetting I’m irked.
“Nath, it’s serious …” I whine whereas his mouth slips again on my neck and pecks it. In response, I instinctively press my body closer to him, my head tilting back.
“And I’m extremely serious, sweetheart.” he whispers hoarsely. “You don’t have to worry about that, you’re a way better than all of them."
"Maybe, but I don’t like it …” I moan as his lips languidly graze my throat, up to my ear and nip it. I’m losing the track of my thoughts … His touch leaves an indelible burning imprint on my skin.
“I am entirely yours.” he concludes in a breath, closing the discussion by taking my mouth. His tongue caresses mine, teasing at first by the tip, then licks it entirely. My vocal cords vibrate with a lustful roar in my throat. Getting hungrier, he catches my tongue between his teeth to put it in his greedy mouth. I sigh and shake when he sucks that piece of flesh. God, he’s not lying when he said he was good at a lot of things.
“Nath …” I pant between his passionate kisses. I have trouble concentrating but I have to push him away. However, he doesn’t give me time to think, storming my mouth to shatter my last resolutions. “Nath please …"
I know I have to stop him, but he has very good arguments … Very, very good arguments. And me gripping his hair so tightly only fuels him even more. In the heat of the action, his hands cascade my lower back to cup my buttocks and press me against him. He can hardly be more explicit than that; he’s hard and wants me. It’d be a lie to say that I don’t want him too, my body is already starting to wave.
An alarm signal rings in my head. The situation is completely going out of control. I step backwards, he moves forward, until I get stuck between him and the desk. My hands are pressed to his chest and I shove him before I give in for good.
"Nath, no!"
I may have pushed a bit too hard, because I see him wince in pain.
"See! It hurts you!"
"It’s nothing, my little vixen just pushed me away a little too abruptly …” he said, feigning sadness. “My heart is broken, but I’ll get over it."
As a sign of peace, I steal a butterfly kiss in complete opposite of the prior passion, very soft and sweet.
"Only good boy are rewarded, so behave."
"You’re too beautiful for me to behave."
"Yet you did pretty well before. You even shoo me away the first time I came here."
"Everyone is bound to make mistake. I was stupid, forgive me."
"Stop fooling around and sit down.” I force him to sit on his bed to rest and he willingly complies. Even though he acts like he’s fine, I can see he’s a bit tired. Not surprising, he just left the hospital this morning. If Amber saw him, she would throw a tantrum.
“Want me to read you a story?” I suddenly propose, sitting next to him. His shelf is full of book, I’m sure we can find something interesting for both of us.
“Want you…?” He brushes a peck on my cheek. Always grasping every opportunity. “Mmm, yes good idea."
I understand that Nathaniel is her brother. Her twin. I understand that she is worried. I understand she thinks she is totally alone since Nathaniel left. I understand she wants to do everything and anything to find out if Nath’s okay. And I understand how terrible she feels.
BUT
I am really really really upset with her. What she was saying during the episode 16 and episode 17 was awful for Candy. Amber multiple times said that she was the only one who’s worried about Nathaniel. She also made Candy feel like she is not that important to Nath.
Amber know how Candy is important to her brother and still she makes her think she is the only one hurting.
Let me remind You, Amber, that when Nathaniel disappeared in episode 15 You laughed it off. You weren’t worried at all. And Candy didn’t even comment on that.
Maybe that is just me.
I have a brother myself (even two brothers) and I would go insane if one of them had to leave like that. But I wouldn’t make any of their’s s/o feel like trash. But again, maybe that is just me.
If in episode 18 she would still be saying things like that and puting herself in the spotlight imma throw my computer through the window. I swear.
I don’t know if that’s the case of bad writing. Maybe. But still, she annoys me.
For the dear anon who asked for this scene to be re-written (plenty of smut and angst, just as requested). Also since Beemoov completely ignored the fact that Nath was injured during the scene, I did the same thing.
Swirls of warm steam escape from the crack in the door, misting in the hallway while I hesitate, holding my bottom lip between my teeth.
He’s leaving.
He’s leaving me, and all I have before that happens is a measly eight hours. Eight hours to remember him by. Eight hours to show him how I feel. How I reallyfeel.
I intend to make the most of it.
Slipping through the door, I make out Nathaniel’s body through the shower glass, perfectly framed behind mist and water. Gathering my courage, my eyes stay on his silhouette the entire time my clothes come off. First my top, pulled over my head and discarded on the bathroom floor, and then my pants, until I’m left only in the blue, floral lingerie I had bought in town earlier.
Trying not to think about how excited I had been while buying the lingerie, I step into the shower behind him and he turns, water dripping from his hair, over his skin, as his eyes flicker over me. We don’t say anything. We don’t need to. He simply takes me in his arms, cocooning me in warmth while the shower rains down over us.
I swallow thickly, any words I might have spoken turning to ash in my mouth, and knowing that his arms are the only thing keeping me together in this waking nightmare I find myself thrown in.
I leave small kisses on his shoulder, my fingers digging into his back, holding him so tightly I never want to let go. Eventually I do, slipping my hands behind my back to undo my bra and letting him pull it off the rest of the way, his eyes devouring my naked skin with a mixture of longing and grief.
He pulls me against him again, chest to chest, his lips pressed against my neck as he whispers over and over, “Forgive me. Forgive me for what I’m doing to you.”
My throat goes tight, a lump of pain settling itself within but I swallow it down, forcing the tears not to fall. Instead, I slip my panties down to my ankles, stepping out of them and kicking them aside. Nath bends down to scoop my underwear up, his lips moving over every inch of my body, electrifying my skin as he does so, before he hangs them to dry on the towel rail.
When he comes back to me his lips are on mine in an instant, water streaming between us, wet and warm, as we cling to each other. My chest tightens, my breath growing heavy, though I’m not sure if it’s the steam in the room or the thought of losing him that causes it.
Probably both.
He bends to take me under the thighs and I wrap my legs around him, feeling his hard body tense against me and letting him press me back against the tiled shower wall, where I wince a little at the coldness on my back.
I feel him between my legs, feel that he wants this as much as I do, and my core warms in response to him, a tingling settling between my thighs. His golden eyes never leave mine as he positions himself against me and pushes inside, and my lips fall against his shoulder in a gasp as I melt.
A groan escapes him and he starts slow, kissing my face, my neck, giving my body time to adjust to him. My arms curl tighter around his neck, fingers threading through his soaked hair while the shower streams down behind him.
And then he thrusts into me harder, fingers digging into my ass as he holds me up and I try not to think how this is the first and last time I’ll ever feel him like this, how my heart is breaking in my chest even while his body sends me into a spiral of ecstasy.
I kiss him deep to chase away dark thoughts, letting his tongue send a jolt of wanting through me so strong I think of nothing but his body against me, insideme. Our eyes meet, heavy-lidded as we drink each other in, wordlessly acknowledging how fragile these last hours we have together are.
His face grows dark and he stills, swallowing down whatever dejected emotions are dancing behind those golden eyes. In an instant he pulls out and lets me down, turning me to face the wall before he slides inside again.
This time he’s less gentle. A hand travels up over my breasts, palming them roughly and rolling my beaded nipples between his fingers. I gasp and lean back into him when he buries his lips in my neck, his fingers gripping my hips as he pumps faster and faster.
Heat builds in my core, a coiling in my stomach so tight it begs to be released. A stuttered gasp escapes me and he knows I’m close. He slips a hand between my thighs, rubbing my clit in circles and bringing me closer and closer to the edge.
When I break it’s with his name on my lips and my head thrown back against his shoulder, water streaming down my face. My body tightens and I clench around him, a surge of pleasure running through me like liquid fire, like the release I’ve been craving for so long.
My forehead falls forward against warm tiles and I feel the stuttered movements of him falling apart before he surges inside me, impossibly deep, holding there while he groans and comes undone, his golden hair splayed over my back when he leans forward against me.
Afterwards he wraps me in a soft, white towel and helps me dry my hair. Dressed in only a pair of sweatpants, he hands me one of his t-shirts to wear and we slip into bed together, his arms around me and my head against his chest.
When he whispers ‘I love you’ through the dark, for a moment I think I must have dreamed it, until I realize his breath is held, only to be released when I say it back with tears in my eye and my lips against his.
*
A shaft of buttery sunlight warms my face, and I rub my face gently as I wake, surveying my surroundings through eyes still heavily laced with sleep.
Until I remember the night before, everything that was said, everything we had done, and I bolt upright in bed.
There’s a note on the bedside table, and a set of keys. I don’t even have to read it to know what it says, because when my eyes scan the room to see his suitcase already gone, my heart shatters into a thousand pieces.
Foolishly, I had hoped he would change his mind. I had hoped we would find another way, together, for him to be safe in this city. I had hoped he loved me too much to let me go.
[Nathaniel/Candy] full angst / heavy mention of panic attack
Hospital scene from episode 16 completely rewritten. I’m so slooow to write ;-;
Words:3464
Author note: Before starting this reading, I would like to highlight Candy’s mental state of this episode. I personally felt a lack of investment as Nath’s girlfriend. If he wasn’t her LI, okay, sure. But as her boyfriend I don’t agree. She saw him bleeding to death a few hours ago and she just leaves? Amber asking Candy to stay alone with Nath? Um, no? I’m not sorry to say that I have the fucking right to be with my boyfriend, as much as her.
As a writer and as Nath stan, I couldn’t let it pass. I got so much frustrated that I had to rewrite the entire hospital scene because first; I can. Second; Beemov cannot get me away from my man like that. LET ME STAY. And third: I LOVE the angst.
Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the angst nonetheless ;)
Candy P.O.V.
Nathaniel has been awake for over an hour now.
A little while ago, Kim and I were interrogated separately by the police about Nath’s assault before they got to question him. Kim assured me soon after that she had repeated word for word Nath’s version. As for me, I did the same with a robotic voice, too tired mentally and physically to pretend to be fine in front of the policemen. They didn’t ask me too much questions, perhaps discerning my torment.
Just after the police left, a nurse came to report on Nathaniel’s state. We were relieved to hear his wound wasn’t too deep and his organs were untouched. However, she also informed us that Nath had a head injury, so they had to keep him under observation until tomorrow to see how his condition is evolving.
My face had blanched during her whole speech, but I didn’t interrupt, unlike Amber who peppered her with so many queries. She acted like a lion mama, nearly throwing a tantrum in the hallway, thankfully Kim was there to calm her down.
The nurse only concluded by saying we could now visit Nathaniel, although not for too long since he was still recovering and probably exhausted by his prior interrogation.
To my surprise, Amber requested to stay alone with him for an unknown reason. I initially didn’t agree, because even if she is his sister, I’m his freaking girlfriend and there was no fucking way I would leave like that! Not without seeing him safe and sound.
Besides, how she asked rubs me the wrong way, like I wasn’t that much important. I acknowledge she has a special bond with her brother, still, it wasn’t a good reason enough to push me aside. I know she has changed and I don’t rightfully hate her anymore, but God, I just wanted to punch her face at that moment.
Hopefully she agreed to let me stay in the end, thanks to Kim who interjected in my favor. However, Amber still demanded to see him by herself first and to avoid another outburst in the hospital, I let her do as she pleased despite my own wish to come along. Only because I would be alone with Nath after as she promised not to be too long.
When Amber left, Kim kindly offered to stick around with me a little longer, to which I refused. While I’m grateful for her concern, I needed to be by myself for a moment. Moreover, I would have felt bad to monopolize her presence just for my sake, because she too, was tired after such a night. She despised the hospital anyway, so, she went home to rest without insisting.
And now I’m on my own in the waiting room for what felt like eternity.
I can’t remember how long I’ve been counting the minutes. The hand of the clock is turning, and yet, time seems to have frozen. It ticks with an annoying sound as if to emphasize the surrounding silence of death, reminding me again and again this disastrous evening.
That deafening noise is taunting me, resounding a little louder as soon as I lose the thread, just to have the pleasure to grab all my attention while I’m waiting to see Nathaniel. I watch it with a rather confusing obsession despite my annoyance.
I hate myself for that, I can’t help but check the seconds spinning through the clock face. Because that noisy thing represents the heartbreaking absence of Nath by my side. Even if I know that on the other side of the wall, he’s alive…
Slumped on my chair, I bring my legs against my chest, my forehead glued to my knees. I need to see him so much …
“Are you all right, Miss?”
I raise my head sharply. Another worried middle-aged nurse is looking at me and I can see pity through her clear eyes. What a sorry sight am I.
“Y-yes.” Great, my voice is shaking. “I … I’m just waiting to see my boyfriend …”
“Oh … is it the boy who arrived at the emergency room earlier?” I only nod, unable to speak at the recall of the events. The nurse sits next to me, her clipboard pad resting on her lap.
“Your boyfriend is safe now, don’t worry.” she begins in a benevolent tone that irks me. “His relative is by his side right now, but you can rest for a while.”
The nurse’s compassion touches me deeply, or maybe it’s tiredness that speaks for me, because I feel my eyes sting a little bit as I’m about to cry any time soon.
“I have to see him first.”
“This evening must have been very hard for you too, you have the right to rest. I’m sure he won’t be angry if you come back later.” She still insists.
“I can’t!” I nearly scream. “I need to see him!”
Unable to contain myself anymore, I hunker down, squeezing my arms so hard that a red mark is blemishing my skin. I can’t go home. Not now, not like that! Not seeing him drives me crazy! I’m exhausted … my whole body is sore.
“Would you like to call someone? Family, friends?”
I shake my head, eyes closed. Her insistence begins to pester me. Why is everyone is completely disregarding my feelings? Amber, the nurse, even Nath. I’m that much insignificant not to have anything to say. My voice, no matter how I yell, is unheard and my opinion not even an option.
Amber had already asked me if she could see him first, alone, and I meekly agreed to make her happy. And yet, I had to fight so I wouldn’t be sent away, still muffled and saved by someone else. The nurse now pushes me to go home for the sake of resting regardless my desire to stay.
And Nath… Damn, he didn’t even wanted to see me at the gym. Kim said she called me because he agreed to, but with the way he acted, I doubt that. He was so stubborn, not listening to anything and facing my lack of power, Kim decided to call the ambulance against his will.
During the ride to the hospital I have wondered; if she hadn’t phoned me, I would have been unaware of Nathaniel’s state since brother and sister like to keep secrets as if I wasn’t part of their life. As if … I was nothing.
“Just leave me. Go away.” I coldly mumble, chasing those memories away.
The nurse doesn’t insist anymore and walk away after reminding me to contact the medical staff if I needed anything. Like hell I would. I feel many eyes on me nonetheless, kept under surveillance from afar. My mental state seems to worry them, but I don’t care. All my thoughts are turned to one person.
I decided to get up after her departure though, to freshen up a bit, the need to walk and think about something else motivating me to move. Specially to avoid their insistent stares, almost too heavy with judgment.
When I see myself in the mirror, I quickly comprehend their dismay. It is anything but glorious … My hair is disheveled, my eyes are swollen from crying and consequently, my mascara has heavily dripped on my cheeks. My white-like face doesn’t really help to improve my condition. I look a fright … The most impressive thing is my clothes stained with blood – his blood –. No wonder the nurses were concerned.
I hurry to make a coarse bun in order to hold my hair in place, then rinse my face, erasing below the neon light all traces of this morbid night. I still look exhausted but at least I’m more presentable.
Once I’m satisfied with my reflection, I go back to my seat. Meanwhile Amber has appeared in my line of sight, coming out of the elevator with a sullen expression. My heart skips a beat and I run to join her.
“Amber!” She glances up at my panicked face and smiles weakly to reassure me as best she could, although it looks more like a grimace.
“I was looking for you. You can go see him.”
“How is he?” I ask, worried about her peaky look.
“The doctors told me he could go home soon. Luckily, he can talk and move despite his head trauma.”
Upon hearing the news, all the pressure on my shoulders evaporates bit by bit. I’m so relieved he is fine…
“Did he …” The blonde cuts me off, shaking her head in negative. He didn’t reveal anything to her either.
I sigh, depressed. Of course, he’s not the type to vent so easily. Even her twin sister doesn’t know everything about him. The few times we spoke indicates that Nathaniel didn’t confide to her as much as she believes to.
“I’m sorry for earlier…” she suddenly resumes, changing the subject. “… for insisting to see my brother alone. But please understand that I needed to talk to him. Nothing against you.”
I’m taken off guard by her sudden apologies. I really didn’t expect it at all to be honest…
“I… It’s fine. I guess.” I articulate, dumbfounded.
She averts her eyes, probably feeling too guilty to look at me directly. “I may have overreacted.”
“You did. And to tell you the truth, it hurt me.” I frankly blurt out.
“So honest, as always. I like that about you.” She lets out a small laugh and I smile in return. I’m glad she noticed her wrongdoing and asked for my forgiveness. She was as anxious as I was, so, I can understand in a sense. And to be fair, I’d probably request the same in her shoes if she wasn’t her relative…
“Thank you again for being there for him … Thank you for everything. You saved his life.” She sobs in a weak voice, taking my hands in hers.
I lower my eyes at her statement, not sure to deserve gratitude. I didn’t do anything. Kim saved Nathaniel while I was watching him, helpless. My conscience planting arrows in my heart keeps me quiet, not knowing what to answer.
Amber’s hand pulls me out of my thoughts by squeezing mine. She stares without saying anything, her message mute. I only notice now that her green eyes have lost their sparkle, filled with remorse too.
“I’m going to his flat to bring some clothes and feed Blanche. I’ll be back soon.” she informs, gently releasing my hand. “Watch over him, please. He’s waiting for you.”
I just agree in silence, the knot around my neck tightening slightly. I don’t waste more time to watch her go and fly to the elevator. And damn the seconds feel like hours in the lift. I’ve waited so long to see Nath that I tremble like a leaf out of stress.
My anxiety is only amplifying, trapped in this metallic box. The walls come off as an oppressive cage, shrinking around me. I feel like I’m suffocating … It makes my mind runs wild, what I’ve striven to push back in my mind suddenly arises with brutality.
My boyfriend is laying in a hospital bed after an attempted murder.
The bloodcurdling realization I could have lost him forever tears me from inside. I remember too well watching him bleed to death. I can still smell the blood, see the light in his eyes weakening and his life being taken away slowly…
I struggle in vain to hold back my suffering, but it’s far beyond my strength. I can’t help but dwell on the events, unable to think of anything but his twisted face of pain, the gaping wound and the pool of blood.
It wasn’t an accident. Someone tried to end his life.
Stop!I must not panic. Do not panic!
Nathaniel is fine, Nathaniel is fine … I repeat these words like a mantra.
Focusing on dominating my terror, I close my eyes for a moment and inhale deeply. My breath is shaking, but I keep taking deep breath to calm the frantic beat in my chest. My body is agitated with nervous spasms, I squeeze my hands hard to stop my tremors. Carefully … slowly … I’m breathing.
At long last the elevator stops and after a soft “ding”, slides open. The overwhelming gasp of air at the opening wakes me up from my horrifying trance, my lungs finally accepting some oxygen. After a gulp, I’m resolved to get out and stand right in front his room. I enter with a gentle push on the door which creaks faintly under the pressure of my fingers.
What I see behind crushes my heart. Nathaniel seems to have fallen asleep, but his features are drawn, denoting extreme fatigue. His face is still a little pale, but slowly picks some colors up again. His left eye is slightly swollen, as are his knuckles. There was no doubt he tried to defend himself against his aggressors as much as he could.
I pinched my lips so as not to break down again, shaken beyond word by his atypical vulnerability. I must be strong. I shed enough tears.
At some point, I finally allow myself to approach with catlike stealth to avoid waking him up. My hand smooths his golden hair, brushing aside wet strands on his forehead. Softly … fearing of hurting him more. With the same care, I stroke his damaged hands in hope it would erase the marks of his fight. I wish I could take all of his pain…
“You’re here…”
I jump, startled. Nathaniel is awake. He painfully opens his eyelids to gaze at me. I’d like to answer something, but on the verge of tears, words are strangled in my throat.
“I’d have preferred to welcome you in some other way.” he continues with a sheepish smile in an effort to relax the atmosphere. Except it provokes the opposite of the desired effect.
He looks at me, his eyes filled with grief. His hand frees itself from mine to caress my cheek and I close my eyes to enjoy his touch full of tenderness. I barely notice him wiping a tear that has escaped against my will. And here I promised myself not to cry anymore. Damn it…
“I ruined our date again.” He feebly murmurs. “Forgive me.”
I shake my head, eyelids firmly closed. Other tears flood with me powerless to stop it. Nath remains silent, busy to dry all the sad pearls rolling on my skin.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you idiot …” I end to whisper with a trembling voice. “We’ll have other dates. I just want you to heal quickly.”
I swallow my tears somehow and finally open my eyes to offer him the best smile I could do. Nevertheless, he only observes me without saying anything, his look indecipherable. His eyes glint with a dark and melancholy glow, almost seeking to penetrate my thoughts.
His face seems tortured, preoccupied, a frown on his forehead. A voice in my head hisses that pain is not the main cause. Anxiety, anger, guilt, maybe something else. I’m not sure what I can read. He carries my hand to his lips and kisses it with infinite love, contrasting with his painful expression.
Nath, is there something you’re not telling me?
The rustling sound of sheets catches my attention all of sudden. My veiled eyes immediately fall on Nathaniel who’s trying to get up, his face disfigured in pain.
“Nath!” With an unsteady step, I try to lie him down but this obstinate man resists.
“I just want to sit down, I’m tired of laying.” He insists.
“Don’t be foolish, you have to rest! Imagine if your wound opens again!”
I’m unsuccessfully trying to convince him, but he is too adamant and completely deaf to my protests. I shortly give up, helpless in front of his stubbornness, and put his cushion in a way he can lean on it without hurt. It takes him a few minutes to find the right position.
“It doesn’t hurt too much?” I ask as I sit on the mattress to get closer.
“I’m fine … I’ve experienced worse.”
Worse? What can be worse than being stabbed in the abdomen? Could it be related to the scar on his lips? To his father? My face runs out of blood just imagining it. Facing my frightened look, Nath takes my hand again squeezes it more firmly.
“No wait! I mean …” he resumes with difficulty. “… I’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry about that.”
“How could you …” His thumb lays on my lower lip to keep me quiet, fondly brushing it.
“I’m fine, okay? That’s all you need to think about now.”
“But you nearly killed yourself, how could you expect me to stay calm after that? Nath, you could have died!”
“What happened, happened. And I’m still alive.”
What the hell! I know he wants to be reassuring but he can’t tell me that like that, as if it was something trivial!
“Listen to me,” He begins but I refuse to hear his nonsense. I drop and shake my head. The situation is so absurd, it makes me crazy! It’s a nightmare. Breathing becomes difficult again, I feel like choking once more.
Sensing my distress, Nath cups my face and forces me to look at him. “Listen to me!”
He gives me time to calm myself before carrying on. I stare back with a look in which an unreasonable dread is reflected. I know I’m overreacting but …
“You’re afraid.” I’m not. I’m terrified. “I understand, I really do. But look, I’m fine.”
He caresses my cheeks with lots affection and so much care to put me at peace, but I’m still shivering so much. However, my body is less stiff now, soothed by his voice.
“I’m fine…” He calmly repeats again, insisting on this point until I stop shuddering. “All I need is my girlfriend by my side. This night has been painful enough for you and for me… We both need to rest. Just let me enjoy your company. Is it too much to ask?”
I have to admit he’s right. He is indeed fine. He survived and is certainly exhausted by his injury. I was so preoccupied by my own fear I forgot the most important; taking care of him. Ashamed, I lower my eyes.
“I’m sorry…”
“No don’t be, love.” He murmurs, putting his forehead against mine. “I’m the one who should be. You deserve so much better than that.”
“Shut up.” I sob. Our faces are so close, caressed by our breath, yet I feel so far away from him, an unbreakable wall between us. And I know… he is the one building it, pushing me away. Again.
“Come.” He simply finishes by opening his arms. He wants us to cuddle.
“Your wound, it could open …” I weakly protest, fighting against my own desire to snuggle against him.
“My right side is fine.” Nath persists. I don’t want him to suffer … My hesitation crumbles a little more when he softly pleads:
“I need you in my arms …”
I don’t want to start a quarrel, especially in these conditions. I’m too tired anyway. Besides, I’d lie if I said I don’t want to be in his arms too …
Short of argument, I breathe: “Promise me to tell me if you’re in pain.”
He simply nods, and I give up. With caution, I go around the right side of the bed where he’s not injured. I’m careful not to lean too much upon him, my side propped against his cushion, but my head finds its way to the crook his neck. His right arm slides around my waist and presses me a little more against him despite my reluctance, yet I oppose no resistance. His soothing heartbeat under my palm relaxes me. He is still alive…
Being in his arms drains all energies I had left, in other word, almost none. My eyes close when he brushes a warmth kiss full of comfort on the top of my head. I’m just so weak even though I should be the one who supports him. I can’t help myself thinking I must do more than complaining and crying.
He silences me when I word my thoughts and confesses that being here is more than enough. Actually, it is what he needs the most according to him so, I’m not arguing. After all, a nurse is coming soon to kick me out and I don’t want to leave him with a pointless fight.
Silence now surrounds us. Not a single word is shared anymore. We are just enjoying each other presence…
