#neharastogi
By Alpa Rajai
I often play the “name your feeling” game with my 3 year old daughter. However, I could not particularly describe the emotions I felt as I read about the Neha Rastogi and Abhishek Gattani case: a stellar ex-employee of Apple was verbally abused, punished like a child, and beaten by her Silicon Valley ex-CEO husband in an upper middle-class setting in sunny California. She was a well-educated, financially independent, gainfully employed mother of a 3 year old and she was in an abusive marriage for 10 years.
I know my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, and the blood was rushing up to my face as I listened to only some of recordings she presented to the courts. Did I have tears rolling down my eyes? What was this emotion I was feeling?
I was angry - mad at the abusive husband, his scheming attorney, and the (seemingly) indifferent judge. What made this man think he was allowed to treat his wife in such a way - beating her, punishing her, making her feel so little? How can the legal system of a nation like America allow him to bargain a plea deal and get away with this? How could the judge go away on vacation before deciding on this important case?
I felt cheated – like most others, I had this picture of DV victims: low-income or uneducated or financially dependent on the abuser. This assumption was always validated by various articles and cases I had previously seen. However, Neha was everything but that typical image. She could’ve been my friend, my colleague, my classmate, my daughter… It was an important reminder that domestic violence does not see race, social class, color, gender, or religion. It forced me to discuss this “sensitive” topic within my social circles to bring home the point that we cannot brush aside or remain indifferent to the important issue of domestic violence.
I felt despair - It was evident that the victim in this case was not raised to accept abuse because she expresses her shock after the first domestic abuse incident. Nonetheless, she was a victim of domestic abuse for 10 years. How do I ensure my daughter or any person does not end up with this same fate?
I felt thankful – she finally spoke up and walked out. Unfortunately, the first response from many when this case first surface was, “why did she stay?” I remembered that it is better late than never. I also remembered my Sakhi training which provided so many reasons why: fear, victim shame, optimism, age-old and constantly reinforced idea that marriage is meant to be forever, social and family pressures, etc.
I was hopeful – Sakhi and many other feminist groups have been actively working to empower women and to drive away from these age-old ideas. We can work harder to ensure victims have the confidence to speak up. We can teach everyone that there is no shame in being a victim - whether of domestic violence or sexual abuse or rape. We can actively and consciously redirect this shame onto the abusers - they are the ones who acted shamefully. We can progress on our journey of gender equality with the men in our lives as our allies.
Finally and more importantly, I felt inspired to continue working as a Sakhi volunteer. Neha’s case epitomizes the need for this organization which is not just addressing cases post-abuse (a critical function) but also working hard to empower women and fight for gender equality to eliminate the root cause of abuse. It has reinvigorated me and many others to engage in every means possible and urge others to act.
To voice your concerns for Neha’s case specifically:
To make an impact in the fight against domestic violence / sexual abuse and towards gender equality:
http://www.sakhi.org/about-sakhi/get-involved-2/
Alpa Rajai is a Sakhi volunteer and a seasoned professional with over 13 years of experience in banking and consulting. She was born and raised in Mumbai, India by a feminist-but-in-denial family that introduced her to community service early on in life – which is probably why remains passionate about giving back and attaining gender equality. When she is not working or volunteering, she loves to spend quality time and rediscover this beautiful world with her curious little daughter.
