#noshaming

I recently came across the Justin Bieber song ‘Love Yourself’. I know that I’m quite late to the party on this one, but at first I found it quite troubling. I’ve since had a read through the lyrics and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean ‘Love Yourself’ in the way I’m about to explain. But the phrase really touches a nerve with me. I discussed it with a few of my friends and I was both happy and sad to find out that they felt the same. Happy I didn’t feel like I was being oversensitive about a pop song, and sad that we all share similarly unpleasant experiences.

I have found that the language we use to shame women is evolving. It used to be that you would be labeled a ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘slag’ if someone felt you were having too much or the wrong type of sex, and sadly these words are still absolutely in use. However I’ve found that as people become more aware that these words are hurtful, the same sentiments are being expressed in more subtle ways. One phrase that crops up a lot is ‘Love Yourself’. We are told that we need to love ourselves more, respect ourselves more, as if enjoying and expressing our sexuality means that we have no respect for ourselves. As if we aren’t worthy of respect because our sexual behaviour doesn’t adhere to someone else’s personal standards. As far as I’m concerned ‘Love yourself’ or 'Respect yourself’ are just pretty ways of calling me a slut, nothing more than code for ‘I don’t respect you’.

This train of thought often comes from a place of well meaning. I remember telling a friend what I thought was a funny story which included me having sex with someone, and his reaction being completely different from what I expected. He told me that I shouldn’t talk about stuff like that as it ‘wasn’t very attractive’, and that I just needed to ‘Love Myself’ a little bit more. The condescending way that ‘Love Yourself’ is most often delivered makes me angrier than if someone just straight out called me a slut. However angry I was, it was hard for me to really blame my friend for thinking these things. I don’t underestimate how hard it is to live in a world that constantly reinforces the idea that sex (especially casual sex) is wrong and come out unscathed.

‘Slut’ and ‘Whore’ are becoming outdated, we know that these are words are disrespectful, but as this happens people find new ways to police our sexual behaviour. This ‘Love Yourself’ phrase perpetuates exactly the same harmful ideology. At times it has made me question my own self worth and I have been made to doubt my own decisions. Until we unlearn the idea that enjoying sex is dirty or bad it will keep cropping up in different ways, with the same harmful consequences. So for my friends and for anyone who has come across this phrase - the type of sex you choose to have, does not reflect how much you love yourself.

By MT