#sexpositive

CN: binary language

All too often (in my opinion), porn is constructed by men for male enjoyment, even “lesbian” scenes are often created purely for men, which seems pretty counterintuitive to me. 

When I was at school, I asked one of my male friends why men like watching women kiss, and he responded that it was because they were obviously doing it to turn men on, to show men that they were up for sex. At the time, I blindly accepted this as a suitable response, but seriously? How conceited is it for straight men to think that women’s sexuality is always a performance for them? 

This is a common theme in porn, an industry that routinely abuses and demoralises women in many ways, including the perpetuation of this myth. This is not to say I haven’t ever watched or enjoyed porn, because I have and do regularly. But sometimes I do struggle to take off my feminist hat and accept the male gaze, as defined by Laura Mulvey (a feminist goddess and film theorist). 

“As the spectator identifies with the main male protagonist, he projects his look on to that of his like, his screen surrogate, so that the power of the male protagonist as he controls events coincides with active power of the erotic look… a male movie star’s glamorous characteristics are thus not those of he erotic object of his gaze, but those of a more perfect, more complete, more powerful ideal ego conceived in the original movement of recognition in front of the mirror”, in other words, the male protagonist/porn star is constructed as the object of desire for the pleasure of the heterosexual male spectator, the spectator sees himself in the character and so by watching the character be desired, the spectator feels desired and empowered. Any women in the scenes are merely objects who make the man feel desired.

However, this doesn’t always have to be the case. In female-directed porn, the women seem more authentic, more real. There’s less focus on male pleasure and more on the pleasure experienced by all characters in the scene.

Watching porn doesn’t make you a bad feminist, nor a bad person in general, but it is important to acknowledge what constitutes good porn (safe, equal) and bad porn.

Have a watch of the video below, created as part of YouPorn’s female director series for some more info about feminist pornography

http://www.youporn.com/watch/12543019/youporn-female-director-series/

PT

Bisexuality is not a phase whilst you figure out if you’re gay or straight. Nor is it being ‘greedy’. It’s a sexuality all by itself, and people should be able to identify as bisexual without others raising eyebrows.

For guys, if they’re bisexual, it’s often associated with them not yet admitting they are gay. And for some guys, it may be a way to ease news to family, or to come to terms with their homosexuality themselves, but for the vast majority of bisexual guys, they are just bisexual. Not ‘transitioning’. Just because bisexuality can be used as a way for someone to discover they are homosexual, that doesn’t mean that’s all bisexuality is.

Then for bisexual girls, it’s seen as a girl trying to get attention, or a phase, where she’ll later go back to ‘admitting’ she’s straight. For either stereotype, it’s wanting to be with men that seems to be the answer. Bisexuality is not having one toe dipped in each pool, deciding which you like better. It’s about liking who you like without having to worry about judgements.

You can also be bisexual without having dated as many guys as girls, or vice versa. If you’re a bisexual girl, but all of your serious relationships have been boyfriends, or you could not even have slept with a girl, this doesn’t mean you can’t be bisexual. It’s about how you identify and being honest with yourself.

#stopthestereotypes

JR

The Sex Education Forum’s recent report called for Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) to be placed on the national curriculum. Their survey found that young people were not getting enough information about these important topics, with it being found that some children did not fully understand what giving consent meant, and were unable to name parts of their body.

Sadly Nicky Morgan, the Education Secretary, has since said that statuary status for SRE “would do little to tackle the most pressing problems with the subject, which are to do with the variable quality of its provision.” But making SRE compulsory is an important way of giving children and YP all the information they need to keep them safe.

So why is SRE so important? It helps deal with a range of issues, including STIs, teenage pregnancy and cyberbullying. Curiosity about sex and sexuality is inevitable, and it’s not something we should be hiding from young people, nor something we should want to hide. It’s about giving YP the best foundation in helping them to lead happy and healthy lives.

When Finland re-introduced compulsory Sex Education in 2006, there was a decline in the number of teenage abortions. This compared to the rise following the decision to make sex education optional in 1994 (it had previously been compulsory since 1970). In Holland, sex education and information about sexual diversity is also mandatory in both primary and secondary school. And they have one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the world.

Going through puberty is rough for all of us, so preparing children though SRE will also help them deal with these changes and let them know that it’s all normal. SRE is vital for dispelling myths, from people thinking that the withdrawal method means you definitely won’t get pregnant, to thinking you can’t pass on STIs through sharing sex toys.

It’s also important to adapt to the digital age, teaching YP about pornography, sexting and protecting yourself online. The Wireless Report in 2014 found that 24% of young people who have sent a naked photo of themselves have had it shared without their consent. Today, good quality and informative SRE is more important than ever. It’s not something we should be denying YP from having.

JR

TW: discussion of abortion, mistreatment of women, rape, abuse

Following the closure of a UK abortion clinic in July of 2015, women’s charities and sex positive charities have been calling for buffer zones to be established outside abortion clinics.

But it’s a free country! I hear you cry. Indeed, we are incredibly lucky to live in a country where each woman is free to choose, whether that be to choose abortion or to choose to disagree with abortion.

However, the flaw in this “free country” argument is that yes, this is a free country, until you use said freedom to encroach on another’s.

For hundreds of years, and still today, women’s bodies have not been their own. They have been treated as incubators, sold like cattle, gawked at, and been abused. In the UK, we now (for the most part) have the right to make our own decisions concerning our own bodies, “own” being the operative word. A woman down the street may not make the same decision as me, nor may I make the same decision as my best friend, and that’s just fine.

It saddens me to see women restricting the rights of other women, when we have fought long and hard to be able to take back ownership of our bodies.

I am not suggesting that everyone be pro-life, it is entirely your own decision, but please, don’t force your opinions on anyone else. Should you wish to protest, do it elsewhere!

You have no idea the amount of time, thought and emotion that may have gone into the decision to go to the clinic that day. There are a multitude of reasons why a woman may have to or want to get an abortion, and, quite frankly, they are none of your damn business. The woman in the video below articulates this point exactly:

So take a breath, take a step back and reflect on what you’re actually doing. You’re using your freedom to protest someone else’s freedom to choose. How can that mean that we are all free?

The idea of the buffer zones is that we can all keep our freedom.

You can sign the petition for buffer zones here.

PT

Originally posted here.

(TW - this article discusses rape and sexual assault)

Male…female, its all the same if someone says no it means no.

Some facts for you:

• Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour

• Nearly half a million adults are sexually assaulted in England and Wales each year

• In 2012-13, 22,654 sexual offences against under-18s were reported to police in England and Wales with four out of five cases involving girls (NSPCC, 2014)

statistics from http://rapecrisis.org.uk/statistics.php

The number of rapes and sexual assaults reported is increasing, with more victims coming forward.

Yes, if you are a woman unfortunately you are at higher risk of rape. However if you are male it can happen to you no matter how big or manly you consider yourself to be. It can happen to any of us.

By HelpIsHere

Bisexuals are greedy. We must want threesomes. We cannot be satisfied with only one partner, and are thus more likely to cheat.

The hypersexualisation of bi women directly contributes to violence against us. This year alone, when Amber Heard accused Johnny Depp of domestic violence, several prominent newspapers were quick to respond with headlines describing how Depp was ‘driven mad’ by the fear that his wife was cheating on him with another woman. As if that would ever justify abuse.

I came out as bisexual when I was a teenager, but the bullying and continual erasure of my identity by those around me managed to convince me that I was straight until my final year of University. I had only had boyfriends, and I wasn’t romantically attracted to women, so I couldn’t be bi, right?

Wrong. (Turns out bisexual and biromantic are different things – and you don’t have to be one to be the other! I really wish someone had been there to tell me that when I was younger, it would have saved a lot of time and confusion.)

High school bullying is just one of the reasons that, as one study by The Open University found, ‘of all the larger sexual identity groups, bisexual people have the worst mental health problems’ - including higher than average rates of self-harm, depression and anxiety.

Even after beginning to use the terms bi and bisexual to describe myself once again, I still couldn’t shake this feeling that I had something to prove. That maybe I should define as heteroflexible or another identity under the bi umbrella. One that would be harder for people to dismiss. Even now, I’m still working to unpack that mentality.

With the many stereotypes aimed towards bisexual people, particularly bisexual youth, it’s no wonder why the immediate reaction to such stereotypes is often simply to dismiss them outright. ‘Not all bisexual people want threesomes!’

And of course, this is true.

But what this argument fails to acknowledge is the link between the systemic denial of bisexuality, and the pressure to live up to such stereotypes in order to ‘prove’ yourself as bi. For many, the desire to participate in a threesome is derived from the persistent erasure of our identity from those closest to us. We are perceived as straight (or possibly gay) until we possess evidence to the contrary.

This erasure is accentuated in mainstream media. In Netflix’s popular show Orange is the New Black, Piper’s bisexuality is never described as such. She is referred to as the ‘straight girl’ by her girlfriend Alex, and as an ‘ex-lesbian’ by her fiancée Larry.

Of course, nobody should feel pressured into sex. The pressure for young people to be sexually active before they feel ready is deplorable – but remains worse for young people who feel obligated to prove their sexuality to cement their own sense of self. Bi youth need more complex role models in film and television to alleviate some of this pressure.

There’s nothing wrong with bi people who do want threesomes, and there’s nothing wrong with those who don’t, or are unsure, or indifferent.

Challenging stereotypes can be an integral part of addressing biphobia. But until we begin to unpack the harmful roots and impacts of these stereotypes, and start to build a more nuanced conversation around them, we are only further alienating members of our own community.

By Rachael Melhuish

(CW - this blog discusses rape and sexual violence)

Hello everyone,

So today I went onto Facebook and was appalled to see a photo of four girls laughing and joking about ‘a man at gun point raped’

First off I would like to say that no one should ever have to deal with being a victim of rape.

Second I would like to say that it is hard enough to deal with what has happened to you without other people laughing and joking all over social media about a terrible horrible crime such as rape.

It is absolutely disgusting that someone would think that something that serious and traumatising is it to be laughed about!

Men suffer from being victims of abuse as well as women! Think about that…

It is not funny to feel humiliated, out of control or vulnerable Please remember that sexual abuse can happen to anyone.

By

HelpIsHere

Lemonade touches on a lot of important issues, many of these (in my opinion) a lot more important than whether or not Jay Z is cheating and who Becky is. However, infidelity is one of the main themes of the album. This has lead to 100000000000 tweets along the lines of ‘well, if Beyoncé can’t keep her man then how is anyone supposed to?’. I will admit that I had a similar reaction when I first heard it, I wondered who could possibly be better than Beyoncé?

This was until a friend of mine pointed out to me that cheating has nothing to do with how attractive someone is perceived as being. It struck me that my first reaction to the album was contributing to a wider, hurtful idea. This idea comes from an attitude of blaming the person who has been cheated on (the cheatee if you like) for the actions of their partner. As if they weren’t pretty enough, or funny enough or sexy enough. This leads feelings of guilt and encourages the cheatee to blame themselves for what happened. They will often feel that if they were different, the situation may have been different. A feeling that is described in the interlude between the first two songs on the album

-‘ I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for 60 days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word. In that time, my hair, I grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated.’-

Here we see this attitude manifest in a very extreme way, the poem paints a picture of the cheatee (Beyoncé) going above and beyond to punish herself mentally and physically as if this will reverse the harm that has been done.

The more time I spent thinking about it, the more I found this part of the album really upsetting. Hearing such a powerful expression of the pain that so many people go through is hard, it made me sad to see so many people relating to it. Cheating happens for a thousand reasons, but the one reason that it always comes down to is lack of communication. The inability of partners to talk through their issues or, as the case may be, to end the relationship. I know that cheating is often blamed on the state of the relationship; if a relationship is unhappy a partner may cheat. So the blame is spread equally between the partners, or even placed more heavily on the cheatee , especially if they are seen as the ‘cause’ of the cheating. However, what we need to remember is that no partner has ever directly caused someone to cheat, it all leads back to these same communication issues.

We can’t let other people determine our own self worth. They didn’t cheat because you were ugly, or annoying, or you wouldn’t sleep with them or because you’d slept with too many people. They cheated because they weren’t adult enough and didn’t respect you enough to communicate.

By Mai

When I first started to want to sleep with people, I decided to shave all of my pubic hair. It was absolutely the done thing at the time. I remember hearing my male friends laugh about it and talk about finding pubic hair ‘disgusting’. I felt a sort of blind panic at the idea that someone might laugh about my pubes with their friends. The whole experience was horrendous. My pubic hair was quite long at the time and removing it was very tricky, granted if i’d done a bit of research beforehand it could all have gone a lot more smoothly - literally. As it was, there was definitely some blood, a lot of itching and a generally unpleasant aesthetic.

Afterwards I thought I would feel sleek and sexy, but in reality I just felt exposed and uncomfortable. The only real benefit to having no pubic hair was that it eased the anxiety of what someone might say about it. This was enough for me to carry on doing it for quite a while. I did eventually get better at it (thankfully), but even then the itching was unbearable and being honest, I didn’t really trust myself having something so sharp next to something so important.

I can’t lie and say that part of the reason I don’t like shaving isn’t pure laziness. As if I have time to regularly shave my whole vulva? But it is more than that. I can’t help but remember how proud I was when I first grew pubic hair (albeit a little bit embarrassed), and how disappointed young me would have been to see me get rid of it. I like the way it looks but it’s not just aesthetic. It makes me feel comforted in a way that’s really hard to explain; I like the way it feels.

I’ve had partners in the past that have said they prefer shaved pubic hair. And while I respect that they have preferences, they don’t have to live in my body. I won’t be expected to regularly do something that makes me unhappy, just to pander to their ‘preference’. I exist outside of my sex life, and it’s my preference to feel comfortable. In hindsight, I feel that if a partner is pressuring me to change my pubic hair for them, then they’re not the type of person i want to be having sex with.

On the flip side of this I know people who love to shave / wax / remove some or all of their pubic hair. It’s how they feel more comfortable, they might feel more sexy or love the way that it looks. While I shouldn’t be pressured to shave my pubic hair, people who prefer to be bald shouldn’t feel any pressure to grow theirs out.

There are lot’s of benefits to having pubic hair. I’ve linked an article below that lists some of them, but the bottom line is that your pubic hair is yours. Wear it how you want.

•Benefits of pubic hair: http://www.thesexmd.com/your-bush-loves-you-back/

•Pubic hair trends over time: http://www.bustle.com/articles/48042-pubic-hair-trends-over-time-from-tweezer-happy-ancient-greece-to-your-last-painful-wax

•Safe pubic hair removal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RAf0tzDbbA

By Mai

It’s here.

The season of bare chested men.

It happened just the other day, Sunday. That blisteringly hot Sunday, the 8th of May, when we had our first glimpse of summer after our long, long winter. Wasn’t it wonderful?

See, I was at work, actually. It wasn’t too bad. I walked to work in the sun, had lunch in the sun, and walked home in the sun. I saw the sun. I even had the next day off, and I grabbed that with both hands. But it’s the Sunday I’m here to talk about.

I was in full uniform: my polo shirt, my long black trousers, my (Christmas) socks, and my sensible black shoes. I was a bit on the warm side, definitely. But, you know, propriety in the work place and all that.

Then it walks this guy and his family. He’s dressed for the weather. Or not dressed. In he walked to my place of work wearing shorts, sandals, and nothing else. Absolutely nada.

Now, I have no problem with showing skin. Show it, or don’t, that is absolutely fine with me. Your body, your rules. I may not particularly want to see a fifty-something hairy man’s chest, but I’m going to leave him to it and give him kudos for being bold enough in his own skin to do that. Wish I was.

But yes, that’s the thing. I would absolutely love to go topless in the heat. Every time I see a topless man enjoying the sun in a public place, my brain shouts “SAME, BRO”

Except, of course, I can’t. Because apparently my topless self would be public indecency. My breasts, really not much bigger than this man’s pair on Sunday, are indecent. Wearing them bare would cause outrage, covering the offending appendages just enough to keep cool is sexual.

I just want to cool down. And to have equal rights to my own body, whatever.

Also, maybe if I have to cover my breasts, maybe that guy should have covered that topless pin-up-girl tattoo? Because that just doesn’t seem fair.

By Jessica

[Content Warning: this post discusses anorexia and eating disorders]

Hello! My name is Rosie, and I have anorexia. I’ve always taken the opinion that talking about things like this is the best way to deal with them; that way, no one can use them to hurt you, and you can spread information and experiences to help others - that’s why I blog for Brook! It’s okay, anyway; I’m in recovery, and I’m doing as well as I have been for years. Anyway, I thought I’d write todays post as a little myth-buster on some misconceptions that surround the disorder, and hopefully engage in some discussion on the topic. I’m sure this is something I’ll be writing more about in the future.

1. Anorexia can affect anyone

Think for a moment about the typical image of what someone with anorexia looks like. They’re probably female, white and teenaged. Quite possibly, they’re conventionally attractive and affluent. However, anorexia can affect anyone. It is estimated to occur in 0.9% to 4.3% of women and 0.2% to 0.3% of men in Western countries at some point in their life, regardless of their ethnicity, and while data is harder to find in other areas of the world, reports of cases are becoming more frequent. It is more likely to first occur during adolescence, but this, too, is not universal.

2. Anorexia is not simply caused by just wanting to be thin

In all honesty, no one quite knows what causes anorexia. There are a number of different theories regarding contributing factors or sources of the disease, ranging from genetic predispositions to social pressures, from viral triggers to familial dysfunction. However, it’s not just wanting to be thin; conversely, it’s “an intense fear of gaining weight”. As with any phobia, those with the condition can go to extreme lengths to avoid this, including starvation, purging and excessive exercise, which all lead to further physical consequences.

3. Anorexia is not just a disease of modernity

While diagnoses of anorexia have increased exponentially since the 1950s as the disease received greater recognition within medical fields, and inclusion in later additions of the DSM (the manual used by health professionals to diagnose mental illnesses), case histories depicting the condition have been identified from the 1600s. Some theorists have suggested that religious fasting in the Middle Ages could also be considered a form of the disease, but this is something that is disputed.

4. The road to recovery is not a straight line

Anorexia is unpredictable. It can sneak up on you at any time, and while the demons that cause it can be locked up in a cage permanently, they cannot ever be killed completely, and one day they might just rear their ugly heads again. And this is okay. Recovering from anorexia is exceptionally difficult both physically and mentally. The extent of starvation can lead to long-term health difficulties (I’m lucky on this front to only have an arrhythmia to worry about). Sometimes the road can feel long, hopeless and unrewarding. It’s okay to sometimes stray from the path. It’s finding the way back on which is important, and how the battle becomes gradually easier and easier. It is possible to lead a normal life after recovery.

For more information regarding anorexia and other eating disorders, or to seek help and advice, have a look at:

https://www.b-eat.co.uk

By Rosie

[CW: this post discusses sexuality and shaming.]

This year, I’m redecorating my room. It’s a lengthy process, one which involves a lot of decluttering, and realising exactly how much ‘stuff’ I have. I’m a bit of a hoarder. I have three massive bags of my crafting supplies, and many smaller bags filled with old projects, clothes, toys, scarves, that have no real place in my room or on my person, but I can’t bring myself to throw away because I made them.

The majority of those items have been made in the last five years. However, there’s one old project that’s now very old, is undeniably clutter, and I still can’t throw it away.

I made this box on a Brownie weekend away. I was probably about nine or ten at the time. The boxes came pre-made, we just decorated them. I chose the heart shaped one, because I liked it. I chose pink because what other colour would you make a heart? I chose the sequins because they were large and filled the shape easily. I chose the picture… because the woman was pretty.

The Brownie leaders had cut out photos from magazines, and there were a lot of celebrities to choose from, plenty of bands from the time, boy bands and girl bands. I don’t remember the options, I just remember thinking she looked nice, and so she got to be the centre of the heart.

You might notice her face is no longer there. Shortly after I finished making it, other Brownies pointed out that it was weird that I’d chosen a girl to be the centre of a heart. I argued I just thought it would look nice. It did! I got very defensive. It stuck with me. I didn’t scratch out the photo of her face on that weekend; I found it again a few years later and felt ashamed, felt stupid. It was weird I chose a woman. I drew over her face and hid it.

So why do I still keep the box? Really, it sort of sums up why I started working on Sex:Positive with Brook. This box is a very real and tangible reminder that once I was so ashamed of my sexuality, something that came so naturally and instinctive to me before I had any idea what lesbianism was, that I destroyed something I had once taken pride in. There’s a big problem with that.

Today the box holds my favourite childhood toy, a little troll doll called 'Peach’. I don’t think I’ll be throwing it away.

By Jessica

A group of young volunteers from Brook recently attended a Fertility Health Summit organised by the British Fertility Society, The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, and The Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare. Laura, one of the volunteers who attended the summit has produced two blogs based on the discussions on the day…

I attended the ‘Fertility Health Summit: Choice not Chance’ in April with Brook. We had the opportunity to represent youth and presented some of our experiences of fertility education to the summit. So, I thought that it would be appropriate to feedback some of what I thought about the summit to other young people - and anyone else who might be interested!

The Fertility Summit was titled: ChoicenotChance.

• Getting pregnant can be prevented through contraception and family planning #choicenotchance

• Getting pregnant can be difficult, and factors such as reproductive health issues and declining fertility with age can be a part of this #choicenotchance

The only way we can have a choice is if we are educated on topics of sexual health and fertility. The earlier we learn, the longer we have to make these choices which will have an impact on the rest of our lives. Don’t leave the next generation’s future to chance.

Fertility education is crucial as it enables young people to make informed choices, and it should be taught in schools as part of a comprehensive sex and relationships education programme. In preparation for the summit I read an article suggesting that a woman’s declining fertility should be taught to 11 year olds. This headline was plucked from something Adam Balen, a fertility expert and facilitator of the summit had said. Do I think that this should be taught in primary schools? Maybe not. In a follow up article titled 'fertility lessons for 11 year olds: why badgering our babies about having babies is plain wrong’ the suggestion was highly criticized. (http://goo.gl/JtWThs)

Indeed, this is not the time to be worrying about your ever impending infertility. It could have a negative impact, putting worry into the minds of young children or encourage the need to find a partner. You don’t need to worry about having children when you are still a child yourself. However, this article was missing the crucial point. That is what is meant by fertility education. The articles main focus is fertility education -  telling primary school children that waiting hit 35 it could be 'too late’. But, doesn’t education on what our body parts do and where babies come from fit into the sector of fertility education?

Puberty hits around the time of the end of primary school towards the beginning of secondary. Bringing with it strange new things - from periods to deepening voices and new emotions. Shouldn’t children be prepared and understand what is happening to their bodies and why? So in this respect, of course fertility should be taught in schools from a young age, but it should be age appropriate getting more in depth as time goes on. Fertility education it should be encompassed within lessons of sexual health. Not as a stand-alone topic. In terms of messages about declining fertility, this should be done at an age where you will have the mind-set and maturity to think 'okay, this is information that I know and may have to think about if I choose to have kids later in life’ but being given the knowledge at school is very important. Firstly, because not all parents will know this information themselves. If, we aren’t taught, how will we be expected to teach our children? Secondly, because if it isn’t given at school then when else will you find this out- maybe at 35 having to use IVF? (Because when you leave school fertility lessons aren’t typically commonplace) Thirdly, because knowledge is power- and I reiterate it is our right to know about our bodies and how they work so that we can make informed choices. Particularly in regards to something that will directly impact our future such as fertility- if we can, when we want to and if we decide to have kids.

Schools are there to educate and prepare us for the real world. And education about fertility is part of this. Withholding information in order to 'protect’ young people is neglectful. Evidence shows that early education on sex and contraception actually delays the age of first sexual encounters.

Some may say sexual health education shouldn’t be taught because it promotes promiscuity. However, a comprehensive sex and relationships education (SRE) programme would include the exploration of when the time is right, avoiding pressures if not ready, and if you think you might want to have sex, how to do so safely. It explores much more that sex, teaching understanding and respect of different genders or sexual orientations (maybe this will help young people understand how they are feeling). It teaches about personal well-being and safety, and in terms of fertility education- rather than promoting sex and teenage pregnancy, it allows the exploration of when the time may be right for an individual to think about having children, and if they want any at all.

Pretending sex doesn’t exist by avoiding the topic will only result in more first-times where a person is ill educated to understand sex and its impacts, or even result in higher rates of coerced sex. Neglecting sex and relationships education could lead to life-long effects like untreated STIs resulting in infertility and a lack of knowledge about contraception resulting in unwanted pregnancies.

By Laura

This is me and my girlfriend, Tiggy. I’ll probably be speaking about her in further posts, so now’s the time to introduce her!

Last week, the two of us decided that it was probably worth us both getting sexual health tests. And so we had a “clinic and chill” date together. I realised after this decision that I actually had no idea what went on at one of these check-ups, so I decided what better way than to write a blog post about it!

We went to the University Hospital of North Durham during one of their drop-in sessions. The first week, we arrived ten minutes after the clinic start time to find that all the appointments had already been taken for that afternoon, so we tried again the next week and made sure to get there before the doors opened. Here, we were given a number, checked in by our gender and then asked to wait.

There was a lot of waiting - I wasn’t aware of how long each appointment would actually take, but they really spend time getting as much information out of you as they can, so it can take a while. While we were waiting, each of us was called up to the desk by the number we were given and asked whether we’d been before. We also gave a name, which can be real (me) or fake (Tiggy). Tiggy, who’d been before, was able to continue her records under the name she’d given previously.

Having never been myself, I was asked to complete a form with my details, including how I wished to be addressed and how I wanted to receive my results. And then there was more waiting, until I was called through.

The examination room itself was both homely and clinical. The walls were a warm yellow and full of light, and the only imposing feature was the blue bed, lying down in the corner with stirrups at the end. I was asked by a Healthcare Assistant what I was there for - a check-up, no symptoms currently - and she then fetched the consultant on duty.

I was asked questions that were generally pretty standard for a medical examination. What medications I was otherwise on, any other conditions I had, that kind of stuff. She explained to me that the system used in the sexual health clinic does not connect to any of the main computer systems used throughout the NHS, so that my results and details would not be linked to any of my other records.

Then came questions regarding my sexual activity. When I last had sex, what contraceptive(s) I was using, whether I’d had any history of STIs or symptoms. I was also asked about my sexual partners in the last three months and to give details about them - their age, their gender, their sexuality, where they were from, whether they were casual or regular partners and what contraception we used, if any, as well as what sexual acts we had engaged in. This part was the longest section of the appointment (sorry, mum!) We also had a short discussion about other contraceptive options, since I’ve been considering switching from the combined pill to an IUD.

The actual physical tests were then pretty simple - a self-swab for Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea, where I was asked to go to the bathroom, insert an oversized cotton bud into my vagina and then place it in a sample deposit box. Blood samples were then also taken for hepatitis B and HIV (something of a miracle for me, being spectacularly needle-phobic - the nurses even gave me a Lucozade afterwards!)

Finally, I was offered the vaccine for Hepatitis B, since I have male partners who also have sexual activity with men, placing me at a higher risk. This I turned down, since I would not have been able to have the full course of vaccines on time when going home for university holidays, but I intend to take it up next time I go.

And that was everything! The appointment was exceptionally thorough, and a lot of the questions were intimate and required a high level of openness. However, it’s a completely non-judgemental environment, and talking about your behaviour honestly will get you the best results and treatment from the appointment

I received my results a week later via text, and both of us got the all-clear. I intend now to go every time I have a new partner, since the tests I’d had previously were not so thorough (mostly urine screenings for Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea), so that I can keep track of my sexual health in relation to who I’m with at any one time. If you’re having sex regularly, it’s a good idea to go and get tested - it’s not a daunting process at all!

By Rosie

I recently came across the Justin Bieber song ‘Love Yourself’. I know that I’m quite late to the party on this one, but at first I found it quite troubling. I’ve since had a read through the lyrics and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean ‘Love Yourself’ in the way I’m about to explain. But the phrase really touches a nerve with me. I discussed it with a few of my friends and I was both happy and sad to find out that they felt the same. Happy I didn’t feel like I was being oversensitive about a pop song, and sad that we all share similarly unpleasant experiences.

I have found that the language we use to shame women is evolving. It used to be that you would be labeled a ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘slag’ if someone felt you were having too much or the wrong type of sex, and sadly these words are still absolutely in use. However I’ve found that as people become more aware that these words are hurtful, the same sentiments are being expressed in more subtle ways. One phrase that crops up a lot is ‘Love Yourself’. We are told that we need to love ourselves more, respect ourselves more, as if enjoying and expressing our sexuality means that we have no respect for ourselves. As if we aren’t worthy of respect because our sexual behaviour doesn’t adhere to someone else’s personal standards. As far as I’m concerned ‘Love yourself’ or 'Respect yourself’ are just pretty ways of calling me a slut, nothing more than code for ‘I don’t respect you’.

This train of thought often comes from a place of well meaning. I remember telling a friend what I thought was a funny story which included me having sex with someone, and his reaction being completely different from what I expected. He told me that I shouldn’t talk about stuff like that as it ‘wasn’t very attractive’, and that I just needed to ‘Love Myself’ a little bit more. The condescending way that ‘Love Yourself’ is most often delivered makes me angrier than if someone just straight out called me a slut. However angry I was, it was hard for me to really blame my friend for thinking these things. I don’t underestimate how hard it is to live in a world that constantly reinforces the idea that sex (especially casual sex) is wrong and come out unscathed.

‘Slut’ and ‘Whore’ are becoming outdated, we know that these are words are disrespectful, but as this happens people find new ways to police our sexual behaviour. This ‘Love Yourself’ phrase perpetuates exactly the same harmful ideology. At times it has made me question my own self worth and I have been made to doubt my own decisions. Until we unlearn the idea that enjoying sex is dirty or bad it will keep cropping up in different ways, with the same harmful consequences. So for my friends and for anyone who has come across this phrase - the type of sex you choose to have, does not reflect how much you love yourself.

By MT

Growing up you could say that I was incredibly lucky; my family as always fostered an open environment of communication, any question we had about anything, we were free to discuss. It ensured that we never went to obscure places to find answers we were searching for, and from my mother’s point of view (with her midwife’s head on) we always had the right answer too. And she would explain it the best she could, whether that was by whipping out a medical textbook. Or giving up with them and drawing a better picture herself.

But as I’ve got older the roles of the teacher and the student has morphed and changed, it’s me sometimes explaining what things mean to her. This has found her exploring new phrases (few of them publishable!) and also how I found myself explaining what a dental dam was on a spring Sunday evening. As someone who works in the sexual health area, she was fascinated at the prospect of protection for oral sex.

A dental dam is a relatively new contraceptive method and works as a piece of latex stretched over the vulva. It can also be used during oral sex performed on the anus. This therefore protects the giver from the potential STIs held by the receiver. They can also be made by cutting off the tip and the base of a condom, to make a square. It is recommended that a thin condom be used to retain sensitivity. I have to say it made for an educating if not interesting evening, exploring new contraceptive methods.

Yet, I think it’s important to continue this discussion and questioning, even if the person explaining has changed over the years. When protection or even words are changing with such speed and ferocity, it is important to always keep learning to ensure that we fully understand. Even if you do end up discussing contraception with your middle aged mother.

By Beth