This nerd again! Morgan once again looking pensive with flowers. He turned out a lot more religious-y looking than I meant him to, but it sorta works out. He is literally a religious figure and he desperately does not want to be one anymore.
I haven’t had much luck getting this published, but at least when I’m down, I can draw and drawing usually helps. I’m pretty proud how this turned out especially since it was supposed to be a quick sketch.
Is your mind full of what ifs, fluttering about with all the frailty reticent in new ideas? Do you wonder aloud, let your words float up the ceiling as you think about all the things I might do, may do, could do, have done? Does your mind wander, then, through places new and old, the familiar and the fantasy?
Or does your mind blank, trying to slip into some sort of trance, a way to while away the time between now and then, trying to cross the distance with the minimum of effort, as if, should you be able to empty your mind, you’d also empty it of the knowledge of time, and the ability to perceive its passing. Do you, then, lose yourself in the anticipation, let it override your body and overwhelm your mind?
I’d like to think it’s a little of both, an undulating rhythm between one and the next. I’d like to think you’re entirely obsessed, with nothing else to do but wait and play, keep yourself occupied while you wait for me to occupy myself with you. I’d like to think that you have nothing better to do, because I supersede all else. But then I always did have a vastly inflated sense of my own worth.
Instead, I imagine you let it tick away in the back of your mind, all of the above, the fantasising, the anticipating, and leave it there, a way of remembering, reminding yourself, while you keep yourself busy with all the things you have to do, should do. I imagine it’s nothing like my imagination, at all. Which makes it awfully fortunate that I’m so very good at conjuring my fantasies once I do arrive.
But then that’s why you anticipate it in the first place.
what a beautiful day to remember that wendimoor is all alive and thriving and disaster doesn’t follow dirk everywhere he goes and that everyone is alive and happy!
It’s crazy to think that the last time I logged into this account I was suffering through the lowest point of my life so far. It’s even crazier to realise that all those motivational posts that said ‘everything will get better’ were right.
I broke off from that toxic friend. I stopped ignoring my health and I finally got help. I started drinking more water. I met a girl who changed my life and taught me to love myself. I started leaving the house more often. I found a job and started earning money. I graduated. I dyed my hair. I got my license. I embraced my sexuality. I started smiling at my reflection in the mirror.
I feel like a completely new person, and I could not be more grateful for the life that I have right now. If you’re reading this and find yourself in the same place that I did last year, please hear me. Reach out. Get help. Focus on yourself. Find the negative in your life and cut that shit out. It’s your life, live it however you want.
