Man to man: five tips for guys attending sex parties
Taken from an article written by W for the blog of a swinging/sex party organisation. The focus of the article and the intended audience are people attending relatively vanilla, swinging sex parties as opposed to polyamorous, kinky or queer events. However, there are a number of similarities between those types of events and therefore much of this advice is applicable across the board.
Whether it’s your first time or your tenth, attending a sex party elicits a wild mix of feelings, not least of which are excitement and a heavy dose of nervousness. After doing this for a few years, I’ve come across a handful of tips for men which will hopefully help first timers relax and give veterans a refresher.
1. Consent, consent, consent
The popular saying is that there’s nothing sexier than consent and while that’s completely undeniable, the real rule is that nothing happens without consent. This likely isn’t news to you but you should take a fresh look at your attitudes and behaviour every time you play.
Always seek and obtain enthusiastic consent before initiating or progressing anything Establish boundaries, work out how each of you like to play, and when you want to stop. Check in with your partner regularly, even (and especially) among the wildest throes of an orgy.
There are plenty of ways to make seeking consent fun, spontaneous, and natural; it doesn’t have to be a monotonous stream of “may I touch you”. Try out “I’d really love to do X with you, if you’re interested” or “my partner and I are happy to do Y, would you like to join us” or simply “does that feel good, would you like more”. If they say yes, that’s great. If it’s a no, thank them for being clear about their boundaries and never press the issue.
Remember that consent must be freely, enthusiastically given and can be withdrawn at any time by either of you.
2. Remember why you’re there
Unless you’re at a party that allows single men, you’re likely attending a party with your regular partner. People start swinging for many reasons but it’s fair to say, no one goes into it hoping to get hurt.
That’s why it’s crucial that you keep your partner in the front of your mind at all times - even if you’re in the middle of an orgy that fills the room. Never forget why you’re here together, what you want to achieve together, and how you each support each other.
If you’ve established rules beforehand, now isn’t the time to bend or break them, and it’s probably not the time to try to renegotiate them either. If you desperately want to do something that’s outside your firm rules, talk to your partner about it.
If it’s appropriate, take them aside somewhere quiet and private to discuss it. But more often than not, my strong advice is just to enjoy what you’re doing within the rules on that night and then talk about changing those rules back at home later.
3. Attitude is everything
It’s tempting to think that behaving like the alpha dog is going to a sure-fire way to be lavished with attention. From years of witnessing it, I can tell you this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Guys who strut around acting as if they own the show are almost universally given the cold shoulder by singles and couples alike. Keep in mind that you’re not only hoping to win over one person, in many instances you’ll also need to earn the trust of that person’s regular partner too. Don’t blow your chances by being cocky and disrespectful, including to other men.
Be outgoing, friendly, humble, funny and kind; keep that swagger firmly in its box. Don’t be afraid to compliment other guys meaningfully - they’re much more likely to be endeared to you if they see you’re a genuinely good bloke and not just trying to have sex with their wife.
Finally, remember to comply with the rules of the party - no one likes a guy who thinks he’s above the rules.
4. Sometimes it just doesn’t work*
So this is somewhat of a secret among guys people at sex parties but I’ll give it to you straight up here: about 90% of men who attend a party will have some form of issue with their erection at some point.
The myth is that if a guy is surrounded by beautiful people and hot sex, he’s bound to be hard as a rock for hours and hours. The reality is that it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming or stressful to be naked and having sex in the same room as other relative strangers doing the same thing. The body’s natural response to stress is to shut down unnecessary functions which, unfortunately, includes your dick.
Regrettably, most guys’ natural response to this alarming twist is to panic or worry something is wrong. Of course, that’s literally the worst thing you can do.
If you find yourself in this situation remember that it’s happened to every other guy in the room, it’s only natural. I promise you, no one else in the room cares and your partner(s) will understand completely.
Being lighthearted and honest about it is actually the best way to overcome it. Simply saying to your partner “ah, looks like everything is a bit much right now for me, would you mind if I went down on you/kissed you for a bit/we did something else for a while” is often a perfect way to regroup, distress and get back to it.
Also keep in mind that there are plenty of other ways for you to have a great time a be a hit with everyone, don’t focus so much on just being able to have penetrative sex.
*While the rest of this article is applicable to all men, tip number 4 is specifically applicable to men with penises. I note that not all men have penises and not all people with penises are men, however, as a cisgender, heterosexual man I do not have a lived experience from which to comment on trans or queer issues and it would be disingenuous for me to take up that space where other more qualified individuals can and do comment.
5. Everyone’s least favourite friend - condoms
A lot of guys come to sex parties for the first as part of a couple who have been together for a number of years. The odds are that if you’ve been with a partner for many years, you’re fluid bonded and you’ve decided to not use condoms regularly. For many men, it may have been years since they last used one.
So what happens? A nervous, excited guy attends a sex party and then, right at the peak of everything, he has to flash back to his single days and remember how to put on a condom quickly and without fumbling all over the place. Of course, this has the potential to be stressful and we find ourselves back at tip number 4 again.
The best advice I can give is to try out some condoms prior to the party with your regular partner. Remember what it’s like to wear a condom and test different sizes, shapes, textures and materials to find exactly the one that suits you.
Once you’ve found the perfect one, go and buy a substantial amount and bring them to parties (don’t rely on the ones provided by the hosts). You’ll feel better using it and you’ll be comfortable with putting it on confidently and quickly.
Remember, you can end up using a dozen or more at a party so make sure you buy and pack appropriately. I buy mine in boxes of 100 and I’m still staggered by how quickly the stock diminishes!
Finally, make sure you and your regular partner have agreed safer sex practices together and then communicate those rules to new people. Condoms for penetrative sex is an almost universal rule but requiring a barrier for oral sex and hand sex is also very common. Make sure you know the rules for everyone before you play.
Born in Vienna, Nitsch is regarded as one of the most versatile contemporary artists, whose practice ranged from performance, to painting, composing (symphonies, organ concerts), and set design.
The artist is known for staging radical and controversial performances as part of the Viennese Actionism movement, of which he was a crucial founder.
His performances and paintings often incorporated blood, flesh and viscera, among other materials.
His painting actions first took place in the 1950s, when he conceived his famed Theatre of Orgies and Mysteries (O.M.Theatre), a provocative, intensive sensory experience of various substances and fluids.
Born in Vienna, Nitsch is regarded as one of the most versatile contemporary artists, whose practice ranged from performance, to painting, composing (symphonies, organ concerts), and set design.
The artist is known for staging radical and controversial performances as part of the Viennese Actionism movement, of which he was a crucial founder.
His performances and paintings often incorporated blood, flesh and viscera, among other materials.
His painting actions first took place in the 1950s, when he conceived his famed Theatre of Orgies and Mysteries (O.M.Theatre), a provocative, intensive sensory experience of various substances and fluids.
