#phil coulson x reader

Summary: How these guys saved the world when they can’t handle the simplest of tasks is beyond you.

Rating/Warnings:T (reference to alcohol/a drinking contest; not Agents of SHIELD compliant; not MCU compliant; set post-Avengers (2012))

Challenge: “100 Drabbles of Randomness” by Miseria1 on Lunaescence Archives.

Tag List: @imaginesfire

I Don’t Want to Know

Today was just not your day, not your day at all. Despite your having been there for nearly three hours, Avengers Tower was a complete mess.

The banner you had so painstakingly painted the night before? Ripped slightly and hanging from only one part of the ceiling; the other part of the ceiling had nothing but a huge dent from Thor’s hammer. Apparently Thor hadn’t stopped there with his decorating, either.

Natasha and Tony? Nowhere to be seen. But there was a large amount of alcohol missing, and they’d been talking about a drinking contest for weeks. You’d seen them briefly earlier, Tony practically asleep and Natasha complaining of a headache.

The cake? Currently nothing but a smeared blast across the remains of one wall. The rest of the kitchen area had all the other telltale signs of a Hulk attack.

Clint? Still unconscious. One of his explosive arrows could be found near where Bruce had been carefully icing said cake that morning. The rest of his arrows were littered across the cabinets, walls, ceiling, and counters.

And poor Steve? He was still trying to understand the situation.

All you had wanted was a surprise party set up. That wasn’t such a big request, was it? They all liked Phil. You’d thought they would want to help celebrate his getting out of the hospital. Instead, all that was left was wreckage and some unsalvageable dessert.

The aggravation wasn’t even worth it. When Phil arrived when your note had directed him to, all he did was take one look around at the carnage and shake his head.

You opened your mouth to explain, but Phil held up a hand.

“I don’t even want to know,” he said.