#pieck x reader series
✩Three Words ✩
✩Chapter 12 ✩ I wish I loved you ✩
✩ Ex! Sasha Braus ✩ Pieck Finger x Reader ✩
✩Summary ✩ You wake the morning after and you both have mixed feelings. You try to salvage the life you’ve built and go home. Throughout the day that sense of guilt follows you as you drag other people into the mess you’ve created. ✩
✩Warnings ✩Nsfw mentions (past), Lying, Crying, Unrequited Love, Cursing, Guilt ✩
You rolled over, throwing your arm over the body next to you. You tightened your arm around them, hugging them closer to you. Opening your eyes you saw Sasha. You smiled softly at her sleeping face, so relaxed like this. Looking away from her you looked around the room.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
This wasn’t your room. This wasn’t Sasha and your apartment, it was Annie’s. Shit.You and Sasha aren’t together. This isn’ta normal day. You were supposedto be at Pieck’s. You usedPieck to sleep with Sasha. Who youbroke up with.
You slowly scooted to the end of the bed, peeling the blanket off your body. You did notwant to wake Sasha up too soon. You got up from the bed, letting out a sigh of relief that the change in weight didn’t wake her. You went around the room to collect the clothes you had stripped off last night. You slipped your pants back on, and shoved your old shirt and bra in your bag. You would rather not make your way home in the same exactclothes as last night.
You took a moment ensuring you got everything. Then, you panicked. You sat on the end of the bed once again, trying to steady your breathing. You put your head in your hands, looking at the floor, tears collecting in your eyes.
What do you do now? You and Sasha are over. You have been over. Last night you used and lied to your best friend so you could sleep with your ex who never loved you. Do you tell Pieck? Do you lie? There doesn’t seem to be a win for you. Perhaps that’s what you deserved, for all the mistakes you have made since the breakup.
You sat, dwelling on your thoughts and panic, until you heard the bed sheets moving behind you. You shot your head from your hands looking at her slow realization.
She went through the same steps you had. Relaxation, to looking around the room, to a sense of panic. She sat up abruptly, staring at you with wide eyes.
In the sudden movement she dropped the blanket that was covering her chest. She turned a bright red, picking it up, as you gave her a soft smile. The smile didn’t quite reach your eyes. They were swirling with stress.
The first word that stumbled from her lips was an eloquent, “Fuck,”
You laughed. It was a bright noise, one that filled the room. It wasn’t an appropriate reaction, but it was all you could do in the moment.
You calmed yourself, laughter dying. Your eyes lit up a little at Sasha’s smile at your reaction, “Fuck is right,” you sighed, sinking into Sasha’s bed, collapsing into the piles of blankets.
“So, what now?” She asked, getting up with sheet wrapped around her, searching for a shirt.
“Good question,” you huffed, looking up as she pulled a shirt over her chest.
She sat, then flopped back next to you, joining you in staring at the ceiling. You both sat there for a moment, the only thing you were able to hear was both of your breathing.
You two looked odd now, not like a couple, maybe two friends. Maybe that’s what you are now, friends.You sat in tshirts and underwear, side by side but not touching. Like two people that had a sleepover the night before, but not two people who had just had breakup sex.
“We move on,” you spoke out of the blue.
She turned to you eyes wide, staring at your side profile, waiting for an explanation. She didn’t get one. You didn’t have anything to say.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” she whispered softly, still looking at you.
You took a minute, trying not to choke on your words, your throat tight, “Me either,” pausing once more before speaking again, “But we have to be, we have to,”
She took your hand, returning her gaze back to the ceiling, “Yeah, I know,” her voice was breathy, you could hear the tears in her eyes. You could feel the pain in the squeeze of your fingers on yours.
You sat there for a while, hands clasped together, breathing unsteady. You knew that this was actuallythe last time you’d be together as anything more than friends, anything more than exes. You had said that before. You’d had your last kiss the night you broke, the last time you’d touch her, but it hadn’t been true. It hadn’t even felt true then.
Now though, now you could feel it. It was over. You both knew that this was a mistake. There wasn’t the same urge to rekindle things like there was the night of your breakup. Now, there was only pain and regret. There was no working it out for you two. There was no marriage and happy ending. This relationship was over.
You took yet another deep breath, facing her for the first time since she laid down, “Sash, I need to go to home,”
She turned to you, the tears in her eyes so easy to see with the sun shining on her face, “Home? It’s weird to hear that and know it’s not our apartment,”
You took your hand to her face, wiping her tears, “It’ll get easier. It has to,”
She nodded her head. She fell into your shoulder, tears landing on your shirt as sobs wracked her body. You held her close to you, whispering that it would be ok. You hoped that was true. You couldn’t help the tears that slipped past your eyes as well.
Eventually her sobs turned into sniffles and she pulled away from you, sitting up, “You need to go home yeah?” Her face and eyes were red. You couldn’t leave this second. It felt so unresolved.
“Sasha, we are still friends. This doesn’t mean I’ll never see you again. You know that right?” You reminded at the look of grief on her face.
She nodded, tears still streaming down her face, “I know, but it’s not the same,”
“I know. It will be eventually though. We both deserve to be loved, and give love to someone,” you added. This relationship wasn’t fair to either of you. You couldn’t play pretend forever.
“I have so much to say, to apologize for,” she whispered to you.
You laid your head in her lap, “We have time for that. Not now though. Another time, I promise,”
She laughed, her hand on your face, bringing it up to look at her, “I’m so sorry,”
“I know. Like I said we have time for that later. We have the rest of our lives to rehash our relationship. Right now we need to let go,” you promised.
She just made a noise of agreement as you stood up, her hand still in yours. You paused, looking at her. You cupped her face in your hands, looking at her. She nodded her head and you captured her lips. There was none of the fire from last night. The kiss was filled with love and regret. It was soft, mixed with tears and snot not unlike your last last kiss. You didn’t want to be done, but eventually you pulled your lips from hers, tears streaming down both your faces.
Without any hesitation you said the words that ended your relationship, “I love you,”
At that, Sasha pulled away from you, her hand covering her mouth as she sobbed, “I wish I loved you, I really do,” the words were separated by gasps for air.
“I know,” you said softly, walking out the door of her bedroom. Leaving her crying, just like last time. You shut the door, laying your back on the wood surface and taking a deep breath. It took everything in you not to sink to the floor right then and there.
You didn’t though, you put one foot in front of the other and started to walk to the front door where your shoes laid.
Unfortunately for you, you ran into someone on the way. Annie was sitting in the kitchen, stirring her coffee. At the intrusion she looked up, expecting to see Sasha. When she didn’t she had to do a double take. She looked you up and down, her usual calculating gaze terrifying. Took a gulp of her coffee, setting it down, and gripping the counter. You were nervous, she wasn’t one to keep her opinions to herself.
“What the actual fuck were you thinking?” She asked in a tone less angry than the words sounded. It was a genuine question.
“We weren’t,” you sighed, it was the best explanation you could offer.
“You’re such an idiot,” she sighed, “Are you two getting back together?” The question was stiff, her voice right and eyes filled with dread.
You shook your head softly, “No. We both know it was a mistake. We are moving on. We’re going to try and move on,”
“That’s gone great so far,” she snarked.
You sighed. This is exactly what you didn’t want. You didn’t want your friend’s judgement. The stares of disappointment mixed with pity, “I’m tryingAnnie. It’s hard to just let go of years,”
She huffed, “I know. I’m sorry. Just don’t want either of you to get hurt,” she said, softer than before.
You cooed, “You do have a heart,” she looked up smiling, rolling her eyes in the process.
You wanted to leave at that. Walk out the door having resolved the issue with Annie. You couldn’t though. Not if you wanted what you have built since breaking up with Sasha.
“So,” she looked back at you, eyes already sharp at your shaky tone, “I don’t want Pieck to know,”
“Oh fuck you,” she said without any hesitation.
You smiled sheepishly, as she just stared at you, “Fuck. Ok, fine. My lips are sealed,” you let out a sigh of relief, but she added onto the statement, “but you haveto tell her eventually. I don’t do the whole secret thing,” she added, her conditions clear.
“Yeah, ok. Just give me some time?” You asked, practically pleading.
She nodded her head, “Don’t take too long to figure your shit out,”
You laughed softly, her words stinging a little. You were trying to get it together. It was just so hard.
“See you later,” you said bye, slipping your shoes on and walking out the door.
Once you were out the door you yet again took a second to breathe. You checked your phone seeing messages from Pieck. She had texted you all night, worried about where you had disappeared to. That pit of guilt in your stomach returned. You had left her hanging, lied to her. She asked if you were with Armin.
You walked to the bus quickly, looking quite rough. Your makeup was smeared down your face, your clothes disheveled. If anyone looked too closely it was clear you were doing the famous walk of shame. Walking the street, in the same clothes and makeup as last night, hickeys all over your body.
The bus ride was long, the guilt staying in place rather than the ebbing and flowing it had been doing the last 12 hours. Walking into your apartment you could only hope Pieck was still asleep. Shutting the door and slipping off your shoes, you realized she wasn’t.
The lights were on. You could hear the almost whistle of the tea kettle. You set your bag down and made your way into the kitchen, preparing for this conversation.
At your entrance her face shot up, a look of relief crossing it. There was that stab of guilt again. You sat on the stool by the counter, smiling at her, and trying not to grimace.
Then the questions started, “Where were you?” She asked voice filled with concern, “Why are you wearing a different shirt?”
You hesitated, weighing your options before speaking, “I was with Armin. The party was a lot for both of us so we left,” you weighed your options and ended up lying, “My phone died,” explaining your absence of texts, “As for the clothes it was at Amrin’s. I left it awhile back,”
She looked at you, she trusted your words, and nodded her head without a second thought.
Guilt.
She believed you so easily.
“I’m glad you were with Armin,” she sighed, “but you should’ve charged your phone or told me, or something. I was worried,”
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
“No need to worry. What time did you go home?” You asked, trying so desperately to change the conversation.
“Probably not long after you did,” you had no idea what time you left, “Parties aren’t really my thing,”
“Mine either,” you laughed.
She smiled up at you, it was bright, soft. She was beautiful, “That’s why I thought you’d go home with Armin. Glad I was right,”
Shit Shit Shit.
Lying. You lied. Over and over. And you’d have to keep lying if you were going to keep this up. Everyone would.
“Yeah. Armin asked me to call him when I got home. You know to make sure I got home safe,” grabbing your stuff you hustled up the stairs, ignoring Pieck’s reply of what was surely just an ok.
You shut the door to your room, and sat on the edge of your bed. While finding Armin’s contact, your leg was bouncing up and down. You were asking someone else to lie for you now. You stood, knowing once you got on the phone you’d be pacing around the room.
The phone rang and rang. You sort of hoped he wouldn’t answer. That you would have a few more minutes to think.
“Hello?” Armin’s calming voice came over the phone. It was like waves crashing back and forth. It was relaxing, smooth, the same pattern, crashing softly.
You took a breath, “Hey Armin,”
“What’s up? Where’d you go last night? Are you ok?” Ah, the calming pattern was gone. The waves were a little faster, a little louder, his voice was slightly higher than normal, questions falling through the phone at a fast pace.
“I’mfine.I needed to ask you for a favor. It’s actually about where I went last night,” you asked.
“You asking me for something is never good,” he laughed, “What happened last night?”
You had no reason to lie to Armin, so you just bit the bullet, “I went home with Sasha,” unnecessarily you explained further, “I slept with Sasha,”
You heard an intake and output of a deep breath, “Yeah I got that,” his voice was stable. The calm before the storm.
“What exactly does that have to do with me?” He questioned, you could hear the dread in his voice.
You continued pacing the room, your hands shaking slightly, “I lied to Pieck. I said I was with you,”
“Fuck,”the storm, “Why exactly would you do that. Why would you drag me into this,” he wasn’t mad, he was whining. Which was practically worse than anger. You’d actually never seen Armin mad. The storm was always a mope and a whine. You could see his shoulders dropping and a pout in his face from over the phone.
“Hey,”shit, you shouldn’t have dragged him into this, “I can go back downstairs right now and tell her the truth. I would never make you lie for me. I know you hate lying. There’s no hard feelings if you say no,” you need to make it exceptionally clear that you did not expectArmin to lie for you, you just hoped that he would.
You waited with baited breath, waiting for his response.
“Yeah. Whatever, if Pieck asks I’ll say you were with me. She probably won’t anyway,” he said. He wasn’t angry, a little peeved at the idea of lying to one of his friends, but not angry. His voice was still in a whine, the waves not yet settled.
“Thank you Armin. I won’t lie forever, I promise,”
You could hear a sigh of relief on the other end, “Good. I’m not too great at lying. Take care of yourself, ok?”
“Yeah. I’ll try,” you responded, hoping your friends wouldn’t hate you for this.
Armin was looking out for you. You, on the other hand, were on an accidental path of destruction.
You hung up the phone, taking a sigh of relief that it was wrapped up. Your story was pretty much airtight now that Armin agreed. Eventuallyyou’d have to come clean, but for now you were ok. For now you can pretend everything is normal. That you didn’t sleep with Sasha last night.
You walked down the stairs, running your hands over your face as you did so. Preparing yourself to see Pieck again. Really, all you wanted to do was act fine.
So, that’s what you did. You went downstairs, piled under blankets with Pieck and watched movies.
You sat all day laughing at stupid lines with her. She looked at you, studying your face when you weren’t looking, and you did the same to her. Following the curve of her nose to her lips, eyes focusing there. Her lips looked soft. You wanted to kiss her.
Oh fuck. You wanted to kiss her.
You shoved the feelings down opting to turn forward again focusing on the tv. Your heart was hammering in your chest. You refused to make another bad decision. Once was enough for today. You ran your hand over your face trying to refocus, putting your attention back on the TV.
That’s genuinely all you two did all day. Snacking on popcorn and other food that wouldn’t constitute as an actual meal, watching corny rom coms, many of them gay ones. They held the same coming out story in each.
“These are bad,” you laughed. The latest movie being socheesy. The couple had just kissed at graduation, one of the most cheesy places to get together. That and in the rain. Even worse if it’s both.
She giggled, “But they’re so good,” she leaned into you, laying her head onto your shoulder.
“Mmm. Yeah, but still pretty bad,” you agreed, laying your head on top of hers.
The movies were painful to watch. Each one held the same or similar storylines. Each ended the same, happy. The couple resolved their conflict and lived happily ever after. No matter how bad they were, they were absolutely addicting.It was the perfect balm to your guilt and regret.
You watched a few more movies. Slowly the living room got darker, the sun setting and night taking over the sky. The only light in the room was the tv and the moonlight that was pouring in through the windows. Now that it was later, Pieck was practically asleep on your shoulder.
You set the bowl of popcorn on the table softly, trying not to move too much. You then reached over to her, pushing her hair out of her face. Her eyes fluttered fully open from their half shut state. She looked so beautiful like this, completely relaxed, so close to you you could feel her stray hairs on your face. You smiled kindly at her calm face.
“Come on, let’s go to sleep baby,” the pet name slipping from your mouth with ease.
She smashed her face into your neck, breath hot and tickling, “So much work,” she groaned. You tried not to gasp at the feeling of her voice shaking your skin. She was in direct contact with your healing hickeys. You prayed she hadn’t seen them.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go to bed,” you pulled her up by her hands and she stood dramatically, ignoring her complaints.
She trailed behind you at a leisurely pace, her feet shuffling across the floor. You let go of her hand near her room. You kept walking past her room, going to yours. That’s when you felt a hand grab at your wrist and you stopped. Pieck was looking at you with tired eyes and a pout.
“What’s wrong?” You asked, voice soft and small in the quiet of the dark hallway.
She pulled you closer to her, “Come sleep with me,” she must not have realized the affects her words had as your body lit up, feeling like someone had just dumped boiling water on you.
“Yeah, of course,” you responded, following her into her room.
She settled into bed quickly, pulling the blankets up and laying her head down. She was asleep before you knew it, curled up into you. Her knees were curled into her chest. Her head was laying below your clavicle. She was perfectly wormed into you. Like puzzle pieces completing each other.
All you could feel was the anxiety bubbling in your stomach, but your eyes were getting heavy. With the feeling and smell of Pieck surrounding you it was easier to calm your increased breathing and heart rate.
You put your arms around her waist and buried your face in her hair. She let out a sigh of contentment, and you tried not to cry.
This is what you should have been doing last night. Now was notthe time to live in the past though. Right now, Pieck was sitting clung to you in her sleep. Right now she still trusts you. You needed to stop and enjoy that before unpacking the rest of your life out of the boxes you’d sealed haphazardly.
Soon enough your eyes were closed and the only thoughts you were having were ones about Pieck.
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