#pursuit of happiness

My Spiritual Awakening || David and I parted ways after a few years. He did his best to love me during a time where I was not in a good state and took a lot more than I gave, but due to actions on both our parts we never had a solid foundation of trust and security. I continued to feel a deep sense of sadness within me once I was on my own and for a while it seemed like the tears would never stop.

In 2011 I was having a particularly emotional night when, as I lay in bed, a memory crossed my mind. During the trip to New York when I met Kanye, I was running around the city with a well known and highly successful photographer. We were on our way to an event one evening when he asked me to cover the cab fare because he didn’t have cash on him. The fare came to $20 which was all I had and which I needed to get back home, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of such a small amount of money. I said nothing and nervously handed the driver the last of my cash. At the end of the night, around 3 am, I found myself standing in the rain outside of a train station, my lack of loose change making its gates now entirely impenetrable. I didn’t want to ask a stranger for money; I’d had so many people approach me in the past for change and I’d always labelled them as scammers, and here I was about to do the same. I feared how people would respond if I asked them for change, but I had no choice. Asking for help was the only way to get home.

Tears in my eyes, face flushed with embarrassment, I approached a woman about my age. I told her I didn’t have money to get on the train and said that anything she could give would be appreciated. I was expecting a negative response and at best maybe a pitiful 25 cents, so her answer caught me by complete surprise.

“Of course, sweetie!” she responded, with what was in that moment the most loving voice in all of existence, and without hesitation she gave me the full fare. I was stunned. I had braced myself for judgment and rejection and this woman, this perfect stranger, gave me kindness and compassion instead. On any given day this may have been a small, forgettable exchange, but at the time I was still in LO’s abusive clutches and his treatment of me heavily affected my view of the world. What may have seemed like a tiny act of kindness was actually something massive; it helped to restore my faith in humanity.

So as I reflected on this memory in my room that night, I lifted my head up from my tear stained pillow and went to the window. I looked at all the darkened houses and wondered, “How many other people are awake right now, suffering in silence like I am?” I decided then that I was going to do something to offer them the hope, comfort and reassurance that I myself was longing for. I wanted to do something to help restore people’s faith in humanity. That was when my mindset shifted from “I” to “we” and I can pinpoint that as the precise moment of my spiritual awakening.

I am forever grateful to that stranger for giving me the change I needed, and for helping me make my way home.

Selbstkritik eines bürgerlichen Hundes[Self-Criticism of a Bourgeois Dog] (Julian Radlmaier - 2017)

how to think positive by chris (simpsons artist)

Episode #3: Date

Nicky and Sheer try to find dates on Facebook. Things don’t go exactly as planned.