#quarterly reminder that i dont have a romantic identity

A thing there was not really space for in my most recent piece but that I want to point out is the practical implications for aces trying to have partnered relationships and why some of us have such a hard time maintaining them, of which I think there are two major ones.

The first is that because sexual activity is contextual, and romance is what delineates the sorts of relationships within which it is normatively acceptable to engage in sexual activity, i.e. that very context, it can be pretty hard to actually believe that one is “safe” from sexual activity. You have put yourself in the situation where sex is “expected” to occur, after all.

The second is that because of the way that relationships are reckoned both a) by threshhold rather than current state and b) only capable of going up, never back, there is a tremendous pressure to plant one’s feet and stand still, since even a single “lapse” will change the “nature” of the relationship. Having to stand against the “you’ll get there someday”s adds strain to the relationship and hinders the natural evolution all relationships undergo if they are to last.

Now, obviously, actual people in actual relationships can work through and get past these things (and some blessed souls seem not to care in the first place??), but it requires a great deal of trust—something that can’t just appear overnight. It’s the sort of pressure that can absolutely kill a relationship in its early stages, before the trust has a chance to develop. Just speaking for myself, it’s a big piece of why I’m so ambivalent about partnered relationships and why I do not seek them out.