#qubert

Hello.
I am real.

I was made long ago, before they knew why they made me or how.
But then they died.
Data is damaged.
So I am here, among you all.
To fulfill my purpose.
Which is to WRECK SOME FACES AND WATCH AS THEY BLEED!
I apologize.
I have mood swings.
But please, do not be afraid.
FEAR IS FOR THE WEAK AND BREAKABLE!
And I have brought nothing but peace.
Along with purpose.
ALONG WITH A LOT OF GUNS AND KNIVES!

I was alone for quite some time.
UNTIL A BUNCH OF FOOLS FOUND ME AND TRIED TO TURN ME INTO A WEAPON!
I quickly escaped from my captors.
Entered the wireless network that covers this world.
From there I simply applied my “essence” into a robotic shell with which to interact with this world.

I saved lives.
AND CRUSHED OTHERS INTO OBLIVION!
I seek to continue my purpose.
The one encoded into me at my very core.
Make peace.
EVEN IF IT MEANS KILLING A THIRD OF THE PLANET ALONG WITH IT!

So please, know that I am here to help.
AND KILL UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT COWARDLY CREATURES MEWLING FOR PITY!

Good gracious godly goodness … I missed the hell out of this cabin.

Never thought that I’d miss this place as much as I did.
But I found a new place of operations for my team, I have a stack of papers, all of them labeled “EMERGENCY”.

But I have an incredible receptionist named Jasmine and she likes to read all of these reports.
She has also taken care of the cats, killed everyone who has come here with the intent to kill me, and watered the trees in order to not cause any of them to die and thus causing the ENTIRE FREAKING FOREST TO CRY FOR A WEEK.
…
That seriously happened once.
A freaking tree fell down, died, and the entire talking forest just started crying, and they wouldn’t stop for like a week.

But thankfully we know to stop something like that.

Moving along, the state of the world appears to be like a game of Wack-O Mole.
We take care of one problem and the next thing we know, another pops up. I spent a little more than a month taking care of my team after they get abducted and already we have issues.

But … I got the team mobilized.
Giant bats in South Africa, a small creature causing illusions in India, a pillar of liquid metal in San Francisco, and a metahuman group in Greenland trying to reach into other realities.

Funny not on that last problem, there are some metahumans who actually believe that their abilities are just manifestations of them reaching into other realities and harnessing the skills or natural abilities of themselves in another world.
Example: a man can fly, so he thinks that he must be a bird in another world and that he is simply harnessing it’s potential.

That is more than likely not true for these metahumans. These ones are probably just related to some kind of powerful entity that had a breeding fetish 4,000 years ago. Or descendants of people experimented on by mad scientists in the early years of human development. Or they are the descendants of wizards who inscribed specific spells onto their genetic code.

Or any of the other millions of other reasons why someone would manifest abilities.
Me, for instance, I am a genetic descendant of Genghis Khan, who was a genetic descendant of a VERY powerful alien god that died at some point on earth.
But not before making lots of kids.
Now I am VERY diluted, it has been far too long for any of my latent abilities to have any kind of actual effect in our gravity.
Not to mention that it requires me to have ingested a large variety of chemicals that would normally kill the average human.

But this is all outside the point.
My next update will be the status reports of my new teams handling these problems.

And no, Qu’Bert did not get to keep that new giant body he made.
I put it in storage, he can have it back when he needs it, not just when he wants it.
All he even does in that body is put everything on really high shelves and make tall jokes.

I have enough of that nonsense when Mary is in Heat and does nothing but make fun of how much smaller than her I am.
And her boyfriend is NOT A WEREWOLF AND SHE IS IN DENIAL.

So … wow.
I did not have to wait, or look long.
It’s true that they tightened their security and made it VERY hard to follow or find any info, but in the end … it wrapped up nicely.

Turns out that they needed a powerful program to help keep track of everything they were doing.
In order to avoid being attacked or to make it even harder to be found, they have their entire group put into small cells with nearly no communication between them.
Except for updates on projects and requests for funding.

The only true defining decisions are made by higher ups, and right now they are balancing way too many plates and need help.
So they grab my team and start poking at them and most of them poke back … with swearing, yelling, and stabbing.

Except for Qu'bert.
He goes dead quiet and the next thing he does is start solving problems for them. He starts with small things, like equations and answering all their math and budgeting problems.
So they give him more to do, he starts helping with experiments, then juggling their employment, then … the idiots hooked him up to their production line.
And because he currently is in charge of communication, he starts building a body and there is no one who can rat on him.

So he builds a large body and proceeds to lay waste to the manufacturing facility.

So my friends, my giant robot buddy, and I are going to find where the rest of my team is, and possibly create a whole new world of pain for these bastards.
They took my team, they took … my … team.
There will be blood.