#relationship types
Listen I know I know it’s because of our knee jerk reaction and fear from so much discourse and mocking “that’s called having friends” I get it I do but I’m gonna be honest every time I see someone say “queerplatonic relationships aren’t just friendships” it really grates me.
Part of the point of queerplatonic is that there is nothing “just” about friendships. Friendships can be close or intimate or the most important relationship in your life and still be friendships. Queerplatonic isa kind of friendship in my opinion, it’s just one that challenges the relationship heirarchy and amatonormative ideas of which relationships are important and valuable and what a friendship can and cannot entail. That’s it. It’s not about certain actions or exclusivity its not about being “more” than “just friendship” its about prioritizing and valuing (a) platonic relationship(s) outside of the bounds of what society tells us is “normal”.
This is why I prefer to define QPRs more by their opposition to the relationship heirarchy than in opposition to friendship. I personally would define a QPR as something along the lines of “a friendship/relationship that ‘queers the platonic’ by rejecting amatonormative beliefs that friendships are inherently less important, intimate, valuable, commited, or affectionate than romantic ones.”
Now note, there are some people who feel that their personal experience with QPRs is seperate and distinct from friendships in general. This is also completely valid and no less of a QPR! QPRs are a very wide open category, and there really is no one size fits all QPR. I am not saying you personally have to define your own QPR as 100% platonic or as a friendship (this is why in my personal definition I wrote “friendship/relationship”). Some QPRs aren’t! But I do dislike the fact that nowadays I so often see QPRs being defined or defended as explicitly Not Just Friendships, which is really alienating and hurtful to me as an aro who loves the concept of queerplatonic specifically because of how it challenges the idea that friendships are “just” anything.
Queerplatonic is not just a new step on the relationship heirarchy between platonic and romantic, nor is it (in my opinion) a platonic category completely seperate from friendships placed on the same level as romantic. It questions why we put certain relationships above others and restrict certain forms of care and intimacy to each of them at all
(but maybe that’s the relationship anarchist in me talking).I 100% understand the urge to want to make a clear distinction between 'regular’ friendships and queerplatonic relationships because we get shit on about it so much. I know I really do get it. But it’s not helpful redefine QPRs in a way that alienates members of our own community in an attempt to gain the understanding and respect of people who have absolutely zero intention of understanding or respecting us.
In my opinion this is one of the scars from ace discourse that we need to heal from, in addition to rebuilding our communities. We do not have to let how we were shamed and harassed and bullied change our understanding of our terms or lose sight of how our existence and relationships push back against normative values in society that harm us.
