I Hate Everything But You

I tried something new where you write a fic based on the first song that comes up on shuffle on your playlist and this song (from the criminally underrated show Crazy Ex Girlfriend) just happened to be it.

Summary: Remy was hardly ever seen around the mindscape by the other sides, and given his reputation of being a prick to everyone, that was something they were almost grateful for. Needless to say, everyone was surprised to see him show up in the kitchen during breakfast.

Pairing: Intrusleep

It wasn’t often that the other sides saw Remy. Most of the time he was “out” as he called it, though what that meant or where he went none of them knew, and frankly they didn’t care all too much to know. He had quite the reputation for being, to put it as Patton would, “a bit ill mannered,” and to put it as everyone else would, “a prick,” and he tended to avoid the other sides at all costs. Which is why the four could only stare in surprise when in the middle of breakfast being made he appeared seemingly out of nowhere and wordlessly poured himself a cup of coffee.

It was Patton who broke the silence, offering him a bright smile. “Hey, kiddo, do you want anything? I’m making pancakes!”

Remy merely turned to him, raising an eyebrow above his sunglasses. “You think I want to eat that.” He pointed to the pile of pancakes doused in powdered sugar, a look of utter disgust on his face. “Honey, I can already feel the type two diabetes set in just from looking at it.”

Patton looked taken aback by the comment, unsure of how to respond. He didn’t have to think too long about what to say as Virgil immediately jumped in, an icy glare held on Remy. “Hey, asshole,” he growled, “he was just trying to be nice.”

Remy seemed unphased though as he merely took another sip of his coffee. “Now I remember why I never come down here, have fun eating that wedding cake disguised as breakfast. Christ, y’all are so pathetic”

He looked as if he were about to leave, but was stopped by Logan. “You of all people are in no place to judge our eating habits,” his words weren’t as aggressive as Virgil’s but still held clear malice in them. “With the amount of coffee you consume your insides must be screaming for help. I mean honestly, if you want your fill of caffeine might I suggest trying tea for once. It’s filled with antioxidants, and can be incredibly beneficial to your throat’s health.”

Remy opened his mouth, about to retort when everyone heard an abrupt pop and a fifth figure suddenly appeared behind Roman, who let out a startled scream.

“Speaking of throats, did you know vocal cords look like a throat vagina?” The four sides let out a collective groan at the realization of who it was.

“Seriously,” Remus said, opening the fridge and pulling out a raw egg, “It’s like a vagina,” he popped the whole thing into his mouth at once, snapping his jaw shut and shattering it instantly, “but in your throat,” he mumbled through a mouthful of egg yolk and shell. He swallowed the last bit, wiping the dripping egg whites from his lips in one over exaggerated lick. “Kind of adds a whole new layer of meaning to the term “mouth-fucking” doesn’t it?” he said rolling his shoulder in the most unseductive-seductive way possible.

Roman looked like he was about to pop a blood vessel, “REMUS-” he started but was instantly cut off at the sound coming from Remy. Everyone stared in shock as he started giggling, trying to cover it up with his hand over his mouth, and immediately failing as it grew into full on snorts of laughter. They had never seen him so much as smile, let alone laugh like this, and could only watch wide-eyed in awed silence.

After finally getting himself somewhat together Remy looked up at Remus. “I take it back,” he said as he turned to leave, “not all of these sides are pathetic, you’re a riot, babes.” He winked at him “Just so you know I’ll be at the edge of the imagination tonight at seven.” He blew a kiss in his direction before popping out of the kitchen, leaving an uncharacteristically flustered Remus, and a table full of shocked sides.

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