#right next to dangerous woman and lemonade
i hope that from now on, every frog tour of the Haus has pie
like it gets added to the bylaws and every year after Bitty graduates a senior has to teach a junior how to make pies for the frog tour
Imagine the day before the first frog tour after Bitty graduates, with Chowder and Dex and the tadpoles practically in tears trying to get the pie crust right, and Nursey walks in and is all “chill, we can buy pie from the store.”
And there’s just this horrified sucking in of breath, and Dex has to physically restrain Chowder while their goalie and new captain screams, THAT’S NOT WHAAT BITTY WOULD DO!
Every year when they make the pie for the tour they play it up like the huge deal that it is, using Bitty’s original recipes and everything, which they keep either A) tucked into one of those adorable old-fashioned recipe boxes or B) framed on the wall of the Haus kitchen (I haven’t decided which I like better).
When the frogs visit for the first time they sit around and eat pie and Chowder and Dex and Nursey and all the rest of the Old Frogs (who are now seniors of course) are just like “We made this pie in the memory of our amazing captain, Eric Richard Bittle, who is sadly no longer with us–” and one of the frogs is like “holy shit did he die” and Chowder starts to say “no he’s fine” but Nursey (who I imagine has become less obnoxious and was sort of like Ransom and Holster’s protégée) cuts him off like “YES, POOR SOUL, HE HAUNTS THE HAUS TO THIS VERY DAY….!”
Thus Bitty becomes a Haus ghost even though he isn’t dead. His name is legend. It’s said that his poor old oven gave out and he was so distraught that he died of grief– “IN THIS VERY KITCHENNNNN,” Nursey cries, waving his hands. The frogs aren’t sure what to think but Dex backs Nursey up in his quiet, sincere way and they start to believe it.
Cut to graduation. Bitty and Jack come to town, and Bitty decides to visit the Haus because he arrived first and Jack’s not getting in until that night. He goes in through the front door, which is unlocked because Chowder (bless his heart) finally made peace with the LAX team through persistent cheerfulness and the skillful application of Bitty’s own summer berry crumble. The Haus no longer has to worry about LAX bros getting in and ruining things or, failing that, egging the front porch on their way to morning practice.
Bitty notes with approval that the disgusting green couch is gone, and the curtains and windows have been washed. He wanders into the kitchen. It’s empty. The oven is new or at least very clean, and he just can’t help himself. Wouldn’t it be a nice surprise for everyone to come home to a nice fresh pie? So he puts on an apron and is halfway through rolling out the crust when someone comes into the Haus.
“Oh,” he says, and Bitty turns around. “I’m sorry, are you… lost? This kitchen isn’t for public use…”
“Oh, no, no,” Bitty says, and brushes flour off of his hands. It’s everywhere now, he realizes – on his face, in his hair – but it can’t be helped. “I used to live here. I’m Eric Bittle. Bitty.” He holds out a hand to shake but the stranger is backing away, shaking his head.
“This isn’t your kitchen any more, bro,” he says. Bitty shrinks a little. He knows that, he really does… but there was always something about Samwell that was home to him, and this kitchen most of all. He wants to tell this to the frog, but the frog in question is no longer standing before him. In fact, he’s diving for a cabinet on the other side of the sink. He throws it open and pulls out a rolling pin, one that Bitty recognizes. He left it behind because the Haus didn’t have one, and he could spare the extra.
The frog brandishes it at him, not attacking, just holding it up like a shield.
“Apple turnovers!” he shouts. “Pumpkin pie! Blueberry crumble!”
“What are you doing?” Bitty asks, very confused.
“I’m banishing you! Lemon squares! Begone, ghost!”
“What?”
“Gingerbread!”
“What are you saying?!” Bitty asks, raising his voice so he can be heard above the frog’s.
“Nursey warned us about you! This is the only way to set your spirit to rest!”
“Ah, I see.” The frog continues to hold the rolling pin, listing all the baked goods he can think of while Bitty pulls out his phone, opens his contacts, and calls a number.
“Derek. Malik. Nurse.”
mandy and jenny probably think it’s hilarious and like to Spook the frogs in the kitchen.
This is amazing. And also, OH YES when Nursey, Dex and Chowder are seniors they will totally be the Old Frogs.
