#rkheejin
rkheejin:
their reunion isn’t grandiose, isn’t emotionally charged in a way that’d make tears sport from either of their eyes, but for heejin, it’s everything she could’ve hoped for— no matter how she tries, she’s aware of just how hard it is to phase the older woman, to garner unnecessarily big reactions, and that difficulty is something heejin has missed more than words can express ( she feels that sua has always taken her actions in stride with acceptance, offering guidance and care in return ).
heejin isn’t surprised by the others correct deduction, because really, why would she be? it’d be normal for the rest of the girls to be told of any new arrivals, so she’d assumed they’d be expecting at least one new presence. “that i am.” she doesn’t bother beating around the bush, her appearance alone proving as much. hand held in suas, her own fingers squeeze gently, an almost sheepish grin replacing the wide smile she wasn’t aware she’d had. “i’m sorry, kids can be so forgetful sometimes— there’s plenty of time for me to make it up to you, though.”
while she hadn’t been nervous, there’s no denying the overwhelming calm that settles over heejin now that she’s made herself known. entering a new company for the mere chance at debuting would’ve been far more stressful without the presence of someone so dear to her. sua simply being here as well eased concerns she’d been so sure she didn’t have in the first place.
“…did i really surprise you?”
although she doesn’t outwardly show her surprise, the heartache, the lift of her heart, the happiness that heejin has given her just by showing up at her side like this, sua is sure that the younger girl knows. after all, they’re connected in a way that sua can’t quite explain to others that aren’t related to them. it’d be hard to convince anyone that heejin is her daughter, one that she’s certain that she must have given birth to in another life. heejin is hers.
heejin doesn’t need to hear it, because she’s certain that the younger girl can feel it. especially when sua threads their fingers together and tugs the girl closer, keeping her at her side and showing her off to the other people walking in the halls just as she did once before in another life, in another company, in a way that is both protective and flaunting. look at my daughter, but if you touch her you die.
“ you should know better.” she chastises flatly, though there isn’t much anger in it. sphere has been tiresome, more draining than trc ever was in ways that it never could be. at least trc never disappointed her. sphere just keeps doing that, over and over. part of her wishes that heejin just stayed in trc. part of her wishes that she didn’t come because she wouldn’t face the things that sua is. “ i’m not sure how it’s something you just forgot to mention. don’t play with me, i know you laid this plan out this way on purpose.”
but a bigger part of her knows that she needed someone here who understood her. out of all the people she knows, sua couldn’t think of anyone better than heejin. “ .. of course. i thought you’d stay in trc.”
HEEJIN …
heejin is nervous, and rightfully so.
while birthdays have always been something to look foreword to, this year brought on hesitance and the smallest vision of doubts— while there was no uncertainty as to whether she would have a good birthday this year ( she was entering her twenties, had a steady group of people around her she felt she could put her trust in, and her future only seemed to be growing brighter ), deep down, there was something she really wanted to happen. something that she had to initiate in order to make happen.
heejin had never been on the timid side, was always the type of person who spoke her mind and told it how it was, but as the hours go by and her birthday is spent, she can’t help how antsy she starts to feel. that sort of anticipation only grows as she and sua enter the older woman’s apartment, heejins grip on her bag firm as to not risk somehow losing the precious bounty inside.
she’d thought long and hard about this, and while she thinks she knows what will happen, she’s still scared. despite that, however, and despite how she’s sure sua has picked up on her mood, she still clears her throat at the apartments entrance, hands nervously digging for the folder she’d had hidden in her desk back home for the last two weeks.
"uh, sua—wait,ma,“ she internally curses her fumble, cheeks burning. taking a second to think, she exhales, slowly pulling out the folder as she speaks, taking out papers she’s practically memorized at this point. she forgoes tact, getting right to the point. “you’ve always done so much for me, and i know asking this of you on my birthday might be cheating but…will you sign these?” she doesn’t say more, simply hoping the words adoption forms printed boldly at the top will give sua all the answers she needs.
˟ ▀ &.@rkheejin
today is heejin’s birthday, and for that fact alone, sua decides to spend a night outside the dorms and in her own home ( her real home ) for a little bonding time and a small celebration. it’d be good for meimei and jin to see heejin, and after the clear instructions she’s left the housekeeper, she’s certain that the house will be tidy with a few decorations of flowers, balloons, and a beautifully lit cake will be waiting for them when they walk in.
she’s wriggling out of her shoes easily at the entrance, feeling much more at ease coming home to her place rather than the dorm room that’s starting to feel all too cramped and messy and sua won’t lie - she is a little excited for heejin’s birthday, after all. this year, she turns twenty. it’s her first day leaving her teens.
heejin, though, doesn’t seem quite right. there’s been an odd sense of quiet rather than excitement for her birthday celebrations that sua’s been stewing over the entire car ride home, wondering if perhaps something happened during her practices that she has to sort out. she figures if heejin doesn’t perk up, she’ll have to ask her about it as she reaches for the door to the foyer, only to be stopped by heejin’s grasping tone and her fumbling voice.
she stops.
her brow knits together at heejin’s little speech, wondering if perhaps this is what was stressing the girl out so much. “ i don’t know what you’re so nervous about.” she muses, opening the door and flicking on the lights so that she can read the wording a little more clearly but when she does, she drops the papers. it’s hard not to look at heejin in incredulity, it’s hard not to feel her heart race and the expression that she’s always so carefully manufactured to look uncaring breaks as her eyes well up with tears.
for her twentieth birthday, heejin wants to be adopted. and not just by anyone, by her. she bends down to quickly gather the papers that fell loose on the floor by her startled realization, being thrown back to days that she’d rather not remember and all the things she’s lost and the desperate, clawing, feral part of her that clung to heejin and allowed her to be a mother all these years. with these papers, she no longer has to pretend; with these papers, heejin will be hers. her daughter. “ are you sure that this is what you want?” sua wipes away a trail of tears with the back of her hand, careful not to get the papers wet with her emotion. “ you’ve really thought it through?”
rkheejin:
there’s silence for a moment, heejin keeping mum, simply letting the older comb fingers through her hair, and already heejin can feel herself growing tired. it’s so easy to forget just how tired she can sometimes get when she spends her days constantly trying to show her best— it’s been that way for her for a long time, and while she’d never admit it, there are times when everything comes somewhat close to a breaking point. she’s a strong girl, she knows she is, but even someone like her has moment where she needs comfort ( regardless of whether she’d admit it or not ).
when sua pulls away, heejin feels embarrassment at how easy it is for sua to understand her. it’s not bad, she quiet likes that the older has that ability, but it’s only natural since not many are able to do that with her. “i just missed being here, ok…” she’s slightly pouty, eyes wide.
making her way towards the bath, heejins pout grows a small bit, and while the older can’t see it heejin is sure she can hear it in her voice. “i’ve gotten better! i’ve been trying to snack less so i can get into a more regular eating schedule, this is the first time i’ve forgotten in a while,” she tries to sound convincing because, while it’s not a lie that she’s been trying, she can’t admit this isn’t her first slip up this week alone. “i’m surprised jin hasn’t tried to barrel his way over here yet.”
heejin is the love of her life in a way that sua can’t quite explain. sometimes she wonders if perhaps she really was her mother in a past life and they found their way back to each other in this one. all that she knows is that when sua needed her the most, when she was suffering from guilt from things that she’d never say aloud, heejin filled a void in her that she lost. although the love they share is that of family, even if sua didn’t really give birth to the girl - sometimes, it just feels like she almost did. or could have, even. sitting here like this, brushing heejin’s hair through her fingers to try and comfort her stresses is simply one of those times that sua realizes she’d burn the world if anything ever happened to her girl.
her girl. her baby.
maybe no one else will understand, but sua doesn’t need them to. as long as heejin is at her side, then sua will find herself content.
it’s why her smile comes easier for heejin than it does for anyone else. " are you embarrassed about it?“ sua asks, brushing down the flyaways in heejin’s hair gently. ” don’t look at me like that. you could have come anytime you wanted to.“
sua shakes her head disapprovingly. although she can’t say that she’s much better than heejin - in fact, most people would say she’s infinitely worse - it’s more important to her that heejin at least eats properly. training isn’t easy, and training while being in a competitive debut process is even harder. ” i’ll order something. start eating better.“ she says chidingly, searching through her bag on the counter to find her phone. ” if you want to see him, jin is probably in his room. it’s late, he’s probably just sleeping.“ she pauses. ” and meimei will take a bath with you if you put her in her boat.“
heejin will admit it— throughout september, she hasn’t spent as much time with sua as she normally would, but her reasons are anything but malicious. from the moment the older woman was picked as the next girl to debut, heejin couldn’t have been any happier, couldn’t have been any more proud, to see sua get something she was so deserving of. heejin admired her for a lot of things, but her ability to preserver and work hard was something heejin thought incredibly highly of, and with that in mind, heejin had thought the older woman might want to double down on her debut preparations.
so, heejin does her best not to seem like a bother, not wanting to take up too much time during something where suas attention was required. now that it’s the end of the month, heejin feels a bit lighter, happy to be at suas apartment after being away for a bit. she’s curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, head resting on the back cushion as she looked at sua. “what have debut preparations been like?”
———— for you, @rksuas ♡
there’s at least something that she dislikes about being a confirmed member of heartz - amongst all the uncertainty and the fury, they’ve basically stripped her away wholly from heejin. either that, or heejin has just distanced herself from her and that’s not something that sua is really pleased with either. although the younger girl was more than happy about her confirmation for debut, sua at this point can’t help but wonder what the distancing was about. there was so much time this month where she was alone, left to rot in a dorm room that was quiet and unfamiliar. in the end, she ended up at home more than she even slept in the dorm and it was supposed to be her first month in a brand new place. heejin could have come over to spend just as much time as they could have together, considering the fact that sua supposes things will get harder now that she’ll be filming in the coming weeks.
at least there’s tonight, but sua doesn’t plan on letting this lie. she’s not the type to swallow her unhappiness - not anymore, not with the people that she cares about. she stands up and she fights, and that’s where sphere was wrong about her. she may be lying low for now, but there is no part of sua that has lost her venom. " … fine. there’s not much to say about it. it’s about the same level of annoyance that i expected.“ sua sits gracefully next to the place heejin is curled up on the couch, frowning only slightly. ” there are more important things to talk about, anyway.“ she turns her head to look at heejin, obvious disapproval in her eyes. ” do you want to explain to me why you barely even talked to me this month?“
rkheejin:
it’s easy, soeasy, to fall into step with jei, to lean into her offered warmth and support without a care in the world— had it been anyone else ( a newly met stranger, someone who’d yet to fully break down the walls she’d surrounded herself in from a young age for her own sanity ), heejin was positively certainshe wouldn’t feel as happy as she did now. every individual she’d allowed close to her left her with a different feeling of fondness.
jei was no different— in heejins eyes, the older woman was something she’d been missing for a long time, someone she’d hold near and dear to her heart for as long as she could( she would never admit this to anyone but jei, but heejin hoped she’d have her forever as long as jei would have her too ). to heejin, she was a role model— a friend, a confidant, a mother.
it was only natural, then, for her to want to share everything she could with the older woman. good or bad, right or even (begrudgingly) wrong, she’d share it with her.
"ah, i’m glad then!“ there’s a sense of a rare, unbridled excitement to her tone, her body unconsciously moving closer with jeis pull. the other’s actions aren’t lost on her, the way her voice trails leaving heejin curious, but she knows better than to drag on what’s meant to be let go ( if it was truly important, she was sure she’d know in time— jei wasn’t someone she’d want to pester for answers the way she’d do with friends). “we’ll see this for the first time together! i don’t know if you could tell but i’m a littleexcited.” she speaks with a blinding smile, giving a small skip in her step, brows raising in mock question.
she’s not really sure how they managed to hit it off so well, but maybe it’s just because they’re so similar that they’ve bonded. and now that they have, she’s loathe to lose the connection; it’ll remind her too vividly of a time long past when she lost the thing dearest to her because of someone else. when heejin leans into her for comfort and warmth, the world feels like it’s set to right again. it’s an unusual feeling but one that jei welcomes nonetheless, with her arm wrapping around heejin while guiding her through the masses.
their time together is easy and though they’ve managed it, sometimes it leaves jei grasping for straws. it leads her down a path to memory that jei would rather not remember, but at the same time she wouldn’t trade it for the world. now that heejin has expressed wanting a mother, now that she’s called jei her mother, she’s not going to let her down. this isn’t going to be like before.
that’s why she’s promised herself. that’s what she’s promised to heejin, even if she hasn’t said the words aloud.
” of course. i know this place is important to you.“ as much as jei doesn’t want it to be, she knows that it is. it’s heejin’s dream - she shouldn’t stand in the way, as much as she knows what lies behind closed doors in the entertainment world. and even though she has her own opinions about the big five, it doesn’t mean that she should always shatter the view of someone who really admires them. ( that’s what maturity is. ) ” really? i couldn’t tell.“ she says drily, the corners of her lips turning up for a moment before settling back into her normal neutral expression. ” what do you want to do first?“
