The last week has been a difficult one. Anyone reading my last blog may have guessed I have had an unexpected illness crop up.   Any illness can have an impact on your life but when you share your life between the vanilla world and the D/s world you can place added burdens on yourself. You have all the normal concerns of not wanting to let your family down or your employer or feel you are a burden on anyone while dealing with the illness or you are less fun to be with. Then as a submissive you have a dominant that you add into that equation and the D/s aspects of your life that you don’t want to stop and don’t want to feel you are burdening your dominant with a less that up to par submissive.

I think these feelings are natural but that doesn’t mean they are right. My submissive side wants to please my dominant and doesn’t want to feel I am limiting him in any way in pleasure or control. My focus has been a lot on how this will/is impacting him in his dominant role. Maybe it is because I am submissive that my thoughts went to how it will impact him more than thinking of myself first. We do tend to happily put our dominants first even when we should perhaps be thinking of ourselves first.

It’s taken me most of the week but I have finally realised it is actually ok to put myself first at the moment. If you knew my dominant you would know it is in truth exactly what he also thinks I should be doing and stop excepting myself to suddenly be ok when I am dealing with an illness that has a recovery period of weeks or months not just days.

D/s isn’t about just the fun times. It’s a relationship between people that comes with the good and bad.  With the health and the illness, the fun and the stress that every day presents to all of us. The submissive may happily look up to the dominant and put them first but a good dominant also knows there may be times that needs to be reversed and the submissive needs to put themselves first. It doesn’t lessen their submission to the dominant in any way. It is all just part or being in a caring and supportive relationship. Whether it be a D/s one or a vanilla one.

Illness is a terrible thing. It can creep up on you or can come on suddenly. All focus goes into getting healthy from both sides of the D/s relationship. The healing is important but the continuation of some form of D/s may also be important to the healing. If the recovery period may be weeks or months the thought of all D/s stopping may act as a further stressor, the worry that your dominant will be put off by your illness. Especially if it’s affecting you in a visually physical way. Even if your dominant is caring and only wants the best for you there is the concern that desire to make sure you are ok causes him to pull back on the D/s side of the relationship. It comes purely from a desire to make sure the submissive is ok and looked after and given the space to heal and recover but for some submissives this may cause anxiety even though they know it’s from this place of care. As with everything discussion is so important and being open about how you are feeling, both parties, dominant and submissive. If the illness allows perhaps just changing things a little rather than completely stopping that might be helpful and even beneficial.

I was going to write a tongue in cheek blog about whether dominants should be  punished/restricted when they don’t get things wrong just like they punish their subs when they do something wrong. As I started to write it I started thinking others wouldn’t like what I wrote and would say I wasn’t being a submissive. This made me start questioning my own submission. I surprised myself that even after all these years I would still question myself about my submission and how it may seem to others.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. My style of submission and D/s may not be someone else’s way and that is fine. We all have our own ways of doing things and all that really matters is that I am ok with my submission and D/s and that it is what Sir and myself want and like. And yes that also means being a little cheeky and teasing him at times. It works for us and that really is all I care about.

Getting the balance of pain and pleasure can be tricky thing.  The levels used last time you played may not have the same effect next time. A submissives body may not always crave the pain in fact and sometime it will take away some of the pleasure as the mind is focused on the ‘ouch’ and not on the ‘ahhh’. Even when a dominant is very good at reading a submissives body and reactions they may not always get it right but when they do…….it’s amazing!!

Making your dominant laugh when you are gently winding him up serves as a great reminder that D/s isn’t about losing your personality it’s about learning to control it so it doesn’t go too far.

Having tasks to do can help a submissive feel the control from their Dominant. For me these tasks need to be meaningful and followed up by the Dominant. Tasks that have no purpose come across to me as a lack of interest from a Dominant who is just pulling something out of thin air because they think they should without actually having a purpose for the task. You may think that may make me less of a submissive but I think it is quite the opposite.  I want to learn and grow as a submissive. Am I going to get that with random tasks that have no purpose? Very unlikely. They don’t teach me anything apart from learning the dominant doesn’t know me or has no imagination or no real interest in having the control and is assigning tasks just for the sake of it.

The difference between meaningful tasks and random  worthless tasks  is that meaningful tasks are just that, they have meaning. They have a purpose. You know why the task has been set and you know it is aimed to help you grow or to help you learn something new. There doesn’t need to be a new task every single day, in fact I have the same tasks that were set several years ago and are still in place.The fact they have been in place this long doesn’t make them any easier. I still struggle with them sometimes and even at times wish they weren’t there, especially when I am busy doing something else and have to stop to complete a task that has a time restriction on it. The tasks are there for a reason. Besides helping me to achieve things I used to struggle with, they allow me to also feel my Dominants control even when our physical D/s is limited.

You would think as a submissive having no control would be something that wouldn’t phase me. In fact the complete opposite is true.  When things in my vanilla life take some form of control away from me I hate it. Its stresses me, it annoys me and it frustrates me. The truth is that even though we may be submissive it doesn’t mean we don’t like having no control. It means we chose to give control to our Dominant not have a lack of control over things.

As a submissive I love the feeling of being possessed by my Dominant, being owned by him and yes even being a possession of his. I like knowing he wants me and even like seeing the very rare slip of his normally perfect composure at the thought of someone else trying to   move in on his possession.

His possession is a healthy possession.  I live my life fairly much how I please and he supports and encourages me in doing this.  He is comfortable and confident in himself and our relationship which is why it is healthy.

I have seen, and been involved in relationships where my possession was a negative experience. Being owned or processed by a Dominant shouldn’t border on or be abusive. It should be nurturing, supporting and leave all parties involved feeling secure, content and happy in their respective roles.

One of the major advantages in a D/s relationship is not having to reassure your partner when you end up crying during or after play. I’m not talking about tears as a result of pain but the tears that flow from the intense pleasure and/or the release.

If crying in front of others is something you are uncomfortable about anyway, having to then explain yourself or  try and make someone else feel better about your tears when you are feeling  confused by them doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas everyone. It may not be the kind of Christmas we are used to having and some may be finding  any chance of a kinky Christmas has been seriously curtailed due to covid. Regardless of the limitations hopefully everyone still manages to have a lovely Christmas and stays safe.

When punishment is a very rare occurrence the threat of it as a motivator to complete something you are procrastinating on can be very effective for the submission. It can also serve as a reminder that although punishment is rare, it is serious, and your dominant will punish if needed.

Is it because I am a submissive that I feel it’s my responsibility to make others happy. Even in my vanilla life when things go wrong for others I often feel I need to make it right and sort the problem out so they are happy. While it is great and often fulfilling to help others, taking on the problem so you feel it’s actually your problem and something you have done wrong isn’t healthy. Is it a submissive trait? A need to please? Or just normal compassion?

I do like helping others but really do need to learn not take on the problems to the point of feeling I am the cause of the problem and it’s my responsibility to make it right!

I keep saying I am not a service submissive. In my definiiition  a service submissive gets pleasure from cooking, cleaning  and looking after their dominant. I always say I get no pleasure from doing things like that but the truth is I don’t often get the opportunity to do them for my Dominant. On the rare occasions I do actually cook for him I have to admit I do get pleasure when he says he has enjoyed it. Maybe it is because I don’t do it all the time that I feel that twinge of pleasure or maybe there is the tiniest bit of service submissive in me…..but it really is only the tiniest bit!!

The problem with a birthday approaching means you are reminded of your age and for some strange reason that leads to thoughts of being too old to indulge in BDSM. The truth is there is no age limit to BDSM. There is no law that says at ‘this’ age you ‘retire’ from enjoying the activities. Some may think of BDSM and in their mind see only 20 and 30 something’s indulging but that is far from the reality. This is what I need to remind myself of when the negative birthday is approaching thoughts creep in!

I know I am not the only submissive who sometimes doesn’t feel they aren’t getting what they need from their Dominant. For some it can be a mild ‘I wish’ feeling and for others it can be more dramatic and upsetting. As submissives we all have a desire to be able to express our submissiveness in our way and have a Dominant that wants and encourages that. When we feel this desire is missing from the Dominant we can start to question our relationships.

Although it can be hard raising this with your Dominant we can’t expect them to be mind readers if we don’t actually talk to them about how it makes us feel. We also need to not just tell them how we feel but ask what they want and how they feel about things. We can be quick to only think of our needs and telling our Dominant what ‘we’ need but what about them? When was the last time you asked your Dominant what they wanted or needed from the relationship or from you?

Mental health has been bought very much into focus thanks to covid-19 along with the need for supporting family and friends during this time. For many they have this in their vanilla life but for those in the lifestyle it is also important to have a D/s or kinky support network as much as having a vanilla one. Some may not wish to talk to family and vanilla friends about any D/s related issues and by not having a support network it can make the situation worse and in the case of many submissives they find their brain overthinking everything and struggling to find any solutions.

To me, having lifestyle friends is incredibly important. Having a friend or friends you can reach out to who understand the aspects of this lifestyle and how it can affect our lives is healthy. Someone who wont judge you or be so focused on the fact you are kinky they lose sight of what you are trying to talk to them about.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to your D/s friends if you need them and also let them know you are there for them if they need you.  

Name calling in BDSM during play is not unusual.   A dominant may call the submissive a slut or any other degrading name as part of the play.

For some this verbal abuse can be a real turn on but as with anything in BDSM finding out how each other feel about this is wise before adding it in. Verbal abuse can hit bad triggers for some while for others they just crave more of it. For some the good or bad trigger may be a word or a phase or just the humiliation of being degraded as a whole. Having an honest discussion about how you each feel about this activity is important.

It’s also important to remember this form of humiliation may elicited a completely different response if used outside of the play or in vanilla life. Within the context of the play it can been taken almost as a form of endearment especially if a possessive pronoun like ‘my slut’ is used  but outside that can feel like abuse.

Everyone is different and of course we all enjoy different thing so what works for one person may not work for another.

Life goes along smoothly and then something comes along to create a bump causing you to stop and take stock of what you are doing and what you want.

Sometimes we need these bumps to stop us becoming complacent.They serve as an opportunity to review what we are doing and can motivate us to push forward with things we want but have perhaps eased back on. 

The same can be  true with our D/s lives. It is very easy to just go with the flow. Our play and D/s life can take on its own form of routine.  There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this and  it doesn’t mean we aren’t enjoying our D/s but sometimes a change in that routine can help us to look at our D/s with a refreshed viewpoint.

Excitement

It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are never too old get excited like a child when your Dominant surprises you with a wonderful treat.

Working Together

A D/s relationship is a partnership just like any other type of relationship, it just has its own unique intricacies. Just because one is submissive and the other is dominant doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work together on things that are, or may, impact the relationship. One may lead the relationship but it isn’t up to them to make everything in the relationship work, it is also up to the submissive to contribute as well. It may even mean there are times the submissive needs to speak up and lead conversations that relate to the relationship. I don’t believe this lessens the dominants position in anyway and instead can be beneficial to the relationship and therefore beneficial to the dominant and his control of that relationship.