#shc exploded houses

Bird? Bird. Bird Bird.

Hey there. I’ve been going in circles about my sorting since I discovered the SHC system and would appreciate your help in figuring it out. Although I’m convinced I’m at least some sort of Badger and Bird combo, possibly with some Lion in there somewhere, I’ll let you decide based on the word vomit below.

Nonny, I have no idea how Tumblr is going to format an ask this long when I post it, so in the interest of letting people actually read the words you’ve put effort into (and making sure my reply is also trackable), I’m copypasting this so it’ll behave more like a submission. Yours is a recent ask I think, so hopefully you see it! I’ll briefly post the original once this is up, so you get the ping.

As a kid, my family called me a walking encyclopedia. I spent a lot of my time burying my head in books and magazines in an effort to understand the world around me rather than engaging with people. National Geographic, atlases, and the Magic Treehouse series were particular favorites of mine, but sometimes I would sprinkle in some fantasy novels here and there when I felt like reading something more creative and fun.

Nice, this is a whole lot of Birdsec up front. Wonder why you need me to confirm this for you.

Along with a genuine curiosity about history and science, I felt a sense of security in gathering knowledge and would let it guide my decisions (What a fucking nerd, am I rIGHT?)

Shoosh, you are perfectly cool.

Also, I would constantly correct everyone and anyone if I felt they didn’t understand something or were completely uninformed, even if butting into that conversation was rude (then again, it could also be that I was too young to understand that there was a time and place for speaking).

Probably. Can I take a guess here that you were an asynchronous development (aka “gifted”) kid? Maybe even twice exceptional (“gifted” and also neurodivergent)? I don’t have that info obviously, I’m just guessing.

@wisteria-lodgejust came out with a great post about “gifted” kids (and why that term is garbage).

A lot of twice exceptional kids get “missed” with diagnosis (hi!) and don’t know there’s a name and a reason for the struggles they have to deal with, especially social struggles. I can’t diagnose you, of course, but that might be something to read up on if you haven’t already.

(Good places to start are @adultingautistic and @adhd-alien on tumblr, or the YouTube channel HowToADHD. Be very wary of any source that’s targeted almost completely towards parents of autistic or ADHDer kids, or anything that feels infantilizing in general. ND folks are just different, not broken or oversensitive or immature. If a source doesn’t seem to know that, you know they have at least one huge piece of bad info. Their other stuff probably isn’t better.)

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled program.

It felt wrong to let them have an incomplete picture.

Ooh, an Idealist primary. Probably Bird. Could still be Lion?

I was very outspoken about what I thought was right and wrong, and why, which was usually some fun fact I had read in a book or heard through someone else.

Yeah, no, that’s Bird.

Even when I would play basketball, I would play better if I understood the theoretical and technicalities of the game and how to work within the rules. I had to understand the why before I could even begin to execute. In a realm where physicality was seemingly more important, I still managed to find a playing and learning style that allowed me to stay in my head.

You are a loud Birdsec, and I suspect the reason you’re piling up all this evidence for me is that you also have moreunwarranted insecurity about it than the Shaq-A-Roni (not sponsored) has cheap greasy salami.

TLDR; I was an arrogant shit as a kid, lmao.

Bullshit.

I mean, maybe you acted that way. But I don’t think you’re seeing the whole picture.

Some kids have the bad luck to grow up interacting with adults like this…

Adult: you are Smart, and therefore worthy of Positive Attention.

Kid: ok I will work very hard at being Smart, because I value your opinion and want Positive Attention.

(later)

Kid: can I have the Positive Attention? I am very Smart. look at this Smart thing I did

Adult: bad! arrogant! only We may bestow the label of Smart, and declare worthiness of Attention, when it is convenient to Us!

Kid: but I did the same thing…

Adult: yes but now it’s annoying. you should know this, you’re Smart.

Of course, there is some reasoning to adults’ wanting kids to learn social norms about modesty. But generally they don’t explain this well, and the kids who continue to act “arrogant” are at least a little bit attention starved.

Kids wanting attention isn’t a bad thing. It’s a totally normal and natural need. It’s not selfish of them to want feedback and praise; that’s just a human thing, and kids need it for development. Kids who get called arrogant are mostly just following the rules adults have set for their interactions.

You can call an adult arrogant, but an adult has the ability to choose not to interact that way. They can opt out of the entire premise that intelligence is what makes them worthy, and they have a lot more freedom to set boundaries. Kids’ choices are much more constrained, and they don’t always realize they have a choice when they do, because their freedom and autonomy is always growing and it takes time to figure out how to use that. (Also because they don’t always have the freedom and safety they should.)

So if you grew up in an environment like this, even if that interaction above was… more subtle, you shouldn’t blame yourself for the coping mechanism you picked up–even if it feels bad or shameful to look back on, or you want to act differently now. Feeling shame is also normal, it’s just not very productive. Once more I’ll point at the works of Brené Brown–you can probably find her books in the library.

Since you’re a Birdsec, I wonder if you ever had a “Trying To Impress You” Actor Bird mask. I definitely did, and it became so automatic that it took me ages to realize that it was there and I could take it off. Then I discovered how much energy that thing had been taking to maintain. Yikes.

This garbage isn’t limited to one Sorting, btw. The school system and societal expectations fling it at all of us.

Being self-deprecating, and calling yourself nerdy, arrogant, or other labels like that can stem the accusations of arrogance, but it’s not the healthiest way to talk to or about yourself. You don’t need to put yourself down. You don’t need to impress anyone. You’re worthy whether you impress people or not.

Be kind to your child-self, is what I’m saying. It’s hard, but remember they’re a kid, and they’re still part of you. Have compassion for them.

During my high school years, I developed social anxiety which also led to depression. Through a lot of therapy and some friends that I would use as a sounding board, it became apparent that the main trigger for my anxiety was concern with doing the right thing in dealing with people (as well as the usual fear of judgment and suffocating feeling of being around large crowds).

Yeah, primary anxiety. Not fun. Also, maybe,,, RSD? Again, not here to diagnose you with anything, just something to read up on.

My thinking was very big picture, too much at times, and I was so worried about considering every single variable and possibility that analysis paralysis became a common frustration for me.

Do I have some sort of bias that’s affecting how I treat this person? Why does this work for me but not for this other person? Am I being ignorant by choosing this? Am I really getting to the bottom of this issue or did I make a wrong turn somewhere and now have completely lost sight of it?

Textbook Exploded Bird. Hugs, that’s tough.

It looked a lot like caring about what other people thought of me, but really I was concerned with how my thinking and opinions could be negatively affecting those around me.

I wonder who this voice is, cutting you down. The implication that you’re obsessed with your own image, how people see you, is a common thread between this and the “arrogance” thing you’re worried about. Does that accusation really come from you? Or was it something someone else told you?

You’re not just self-conscious. Someone has taught you to be self-conscious about being self-conscious. And look, maybe they meant well or whatever, but this isn’t helping you.

(Also, this anxious self-examination? It’s a stressed-out Birdpri habit. Your Sorting is the easiest part of this ask to answer.)

Hurting someone else was the result of a flaw in my system. The way that I treated people was a direct reflection of who I was and my goodness as a person; if I made a wrong decision and hurt somebody, then I was a monster.

You and the Bird from my last ask. (Unless you’re the same person, lol.) Go read that post here.

And, being somewhat young at the time, I made wrong decisions constantly.

Well, yeah. Everyone does.

I would constantly ask friends, “Should I have done X instead?” in order to gain perspective on every single tiny detail of a social situation. It got so bad that I was extremely burnt out by the middle of my sophomore year and struggled with basic social interactions. I was paralyzed. (Is this what Burning is like? Not totally sure. Maybe just Undecided?)

It’s more Explodey, but could be charred too. Again, see that linked post.

Over the years, I had to learn how to not constantly analyze myself and my motivations because it was heavily affecting my quality of life. I have since gotten better, but still do fall into the trap of over-psychoanalyzing myself from time to time, much to my friends’ dismay.

Hey, recovery! We love to see it ❤

Even if it’s not perfect, this is still really important for you. You’re working to move past the struggles you’ve had to deal with. Congrats! ✨

One pattern that I have noticed over the course of my life is that people trust me more quickly than they trust other people, hence the mediator reputation. I think there is a part of that that was related to my social status and the fact that I wouldn’t have anyone to tell, nonetheless being able to help others helped me develop a lot of confidence and decent interpersonal/communication skills.

Did you pick up a Badgersec model/performance/Actor Bird mask as your default social mode? It’s possible, and if so, same :p

I have had people who have told me about their mental illnesses, childhood trauma, secret hate for their s/o or family member, etc within a week of knowing them. (For a while it got to the point of me being a bit of an enabler of toxic behaviors, which I’ve corrected since then) Most of them are lucky that I’m nice enough to keep their secrets, lol.

I get this too–outside the blog, I mean, and completely unprompted. It’s kind of strange when it just… happens to you!

That’s an experience connected with Badger secondaries and Badgersec models.

I did have one incident recently that involved one person in my friend group crossing of boundaries so blatantly and harmfully and constant gaslighting that I confided in a few friends about how I’d been mistreated and what this person had told me about themselves as reasons that I thought they were a terrible person, and within a few days that person was out of the group.

I didn’t need to lie, I didn’t need to exaggerate the truth, and I didn’t even need to do much else other than tell these few friends about the red flags, and they still took my side. It felt horrible at the time, and still does as I retell it, and I constantly ask myself how I let this person lie to and confuse me for so long without realizing it.

Well done, asking for support when you needed it! Aside from protecting yourself (a worthy and important cause), you protected your friends from this person potentially doing the same thing to them.

Also, you have good friends. And probably a Badgersec model.

Don’t blame yourself for not defending yourself earlier, either. It takes time and experience to learn how to set boundaries and figure out when someone is acting in bad faith.

In the least rude way possible, I have to ask: do you have access to therapy? You need some self-compassion, you’re way too hard on yourself. That’s not a judgment on you; a lot of the advice I’m offering, I gathered from personal experience.

(Hopefully I’m not just projecting. I have to make a lot of guesses in these posts.)

I’m sorry for the lengthy ask, but hopefully there was some helpful information somewhere within that whole shpeel.

I think you already knew you were a double Bird, underneath all the self-doubt. You just needed someone to tell you that you’re a good enough double Bird.

It’s okay. You are. You belong, I promise.

- Paint