#she survives

The thing about Susan is that sometimes you have to grow up. Sometimes you have to lock away the dreams of childhood, the fanciful says of pretend, sometimes you have to let the magic go. Sometimes that’s the only way that you can continue to live.

She loses Narnia and it’s okay. Well it’s not okay but what other choice does she have. Her siblings don’t understand why she doesn’t pretend anymore, why she throws herself into fashion and boys and school and a job and life. They don’t get why she focuses on living in the moment instead of dreaming of what was. Losing Narnia hurt more than she could explain, it broke her to learn that she was no longer wanted, no longer enough. So she tries to do the impossible and forget. She lets go of everything and focuses on living in the moment, on building a life in the only place that she’s got left.

Losing her family breaks her. She’s furious for a long time, refuses to cry, refuses to speak of the brothers and sister that were everything to her. She paints on red lipstick each morning with swift strokes as a barrier against the world. Coats mascara on her lashes so that she won’t cry and goes out into the world. She works, goes to pubs, let’s people buy her drinks but she doesn’t smile, she doesn’t laugh. Laughter and smiles died on a train headed to the country side. She goes through the emotions, and hides her heart away from the world.

Years go by because time doesn’t stop and she continues to live, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time. She doesn’t smile anymore not the way she used too, her eyes are hard and there is a sharp and brittle edge to her. They used to call her gentle, tell stories of her kindness, her wisdom. She doesn’t feel wise anymore, doesn’t care to be kind. The years alone have worn her down.