Because sometimes we all just need to see a guy head-bump a beautiful Beluga whale
Note: that is not a lumberjack!!! Most likely it is a domesticated marine biologist, possibly a domesticated fisherman, (you can tell because it has been clothed in wool, which stays warm when wet, so it is is clearly well cared for).
While this may be appropriate enrichment for your DOMESTICATED and WELL TRAINED marine biologist or fisherman, please remember that lumberjacks may be tame, but are not domesticated. They are still wild, and they absolutely will freak out if they see you swimming around in their forests.
did you write this notice for the belugas or
Who else would I write it for? It’s not like orcas care about ethical wildlife photography.
X: okay quick quiz for the groupchat, three guesses on what this is:
X: [picture attached]
O: toy spaceship.
M: the legs are all wrong for a ship its probably some kind of agricultural tool
H:You’re both wrong, that’s an arbitrary machine.
M: an ARBITRARY machine wtf
O: yeah wtf arbitrary how can a machine be arbitrary???
M: yeah is it a machine or not
H: The same forces that developed the first machines on our home planet actually function on a galactic scale.
O: oh don’t tell me you’re religious.
H: I’m not religious, it’s a scientific fact that machines evolve on exoplanets too. Whether or not god exists, something in the universe takes planets of a certain size and water content and produces functional machines.
O:no!
M: okay if its not god making the machines what is it
O: who cares about that! what about the machine in the picture!!
X: it’s a crab. it evolved on earth.
M: but whats it DO
X: mostly, it gets eaten by humans.
M:what
O:no!!
M: but humans are tiny
O: is that machine just like CRAZY SMALL??
X: yes and yes. unfortunately for all of us, tiny humans have had no problems adjusting from eating machines much smaller than them to eating machines several hundred times their size.
M: but that thing is an alien machine and the humans are alien vermin because they are aliens so how come they can eat our regular ship made out of normal meat
X: as far as i know? god has a sense of humor.
O:NO!!!
M: anyone want to tell me why the captain just about slapped my whiskers off for asking what to do about the pest problem
O:oh fuck you didn’t
M: didn’t WHAT
O:yeah buddy we don’t “have” a “”pest problem””
M:the fuck we don’t, those little monsters ate half my workstation
H:I’m afraid to report that O is correct
M:ok that’s a galactic first time event except for how WE DEFINITELY HAVE HUMANS
O:rude!
H:Yeah so we officially do not have any humans on board because if we did we’d get our travel logs examined by Central.
M:shit
H:And of course we ALSO didn’t go to Blue Prime station last cycle to offload all that extra cargo we never picked up anywhere even less legal, which is where, probably, the humans we don’t have, didn’t infest us.
M:great! cool! love that for us!! what do i tell the captain then, i ate my own fucking computer?
O:i mean i’ve seen you eat weirder
M:concrete is a digestive supplement
M: i have a condition
O:the condition is you’re gross
X:there’s a number of common elemental compounds that humans are averse to. i painted my computer with sulphur paste and they haven’t even nibbled it.
O: is THAT why you’ve been smelling like about three hundred new years parties at once
H:Is THAT why I spent all night rewiring your damn console.
X:yeah so unfortunately computers are also averse to sulphur paste. i think i held it down too hard when it was trying to escape and crunched its main data lobe.
H:DID you now.
X:look it worked! no one ate my computer. you got the backup data lobes working. problem solved.
M:except we still have humans and i don’t exactly feel like rolling around in permanent holiday cheer mode forever on pain of ALIEN VERMIN WANT TO EAT ALL MY STUFF
O: are humans edible?
M:now who’s gross!
O:no hey like at this point it would only be fair!
X:humans are technically edible but not very good for you. also they have so many bones. it’s literally not worth the work.
O:wow you knew this immediately you crazy freak.
X:we’ve had humans for three fucking quarters of this tour, I LOOKED SOME SHIT UP.
M: im going to eat a human
X:yeah they’re also semi-sentient so good luck catching one in the first place, dealing with the ethical ramifications of consuming something that might technically be a person while you’re stripping the rare edible nodes off a heap of 200 tiny bones, and then living with the shame afterwards while we make fun of you forever.
H:I heard about someone who ate a human once, actually.
M:it went great right
M:you’re going to tell me some good news right
O:galactic first!
H:Yeah no, they have some kind of hivemind situation going on and if you kill one the rest will attack you forever.
